That Full-Spectrum Life

"When a daughter is hurt by her mother, she doesn't stop loving her mother, instead she stops loving herself." - Kelly McDaniel

"I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger.

You'll have to learn, just like me, and that's the hardest way"

- Rod Stewart

Usually, I'm a fast learner but in the case of relationships, it's taken a while for the lessons to sink in. Part of why it took me so long to become aware of the subconscious patterns at play in my relationships was because I was/am a Master Avoidant, especially when it comes to pain, and, of course, my relationship issues were rooted in my deepest pain. I'm so good at avoiding, it's so deeply embedded in my nature at this point, that to this day sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it. My Chiron is in Gemini and my deepest wounds are all around my communication & being misunderstood. Growing up in a house where "children should be seen & not heard", having my needs be "too much", being made to feel stupid and/or "bad" & "wrong" for my questions and curiosities, being shamed for my intelligence… this is all Chiron in Gemini's territory. My big relationship pattern is being attracted to people very different than me and trying to get them to understand me. In each relationship, I got attached and I got hurt because I was looking for someone else to prove to myself that I was not "bad" & "wrong" and was in fact someone worthy of being loved. The truth is, if you don't love yourself, no one else can love you enough. One by one, after each of my relationships ended, my pain body got a little heavier, and I disappeared a little more, becoming a little smaller & a little less of myself. Eventually, I got to a point where my inner world collapsed. I reverted to a child state, once again a little girl who didn't understand why no one loved her. I concluded that it must be me; there must be something wrong with me. I had not yet begun my studies into Internal Family Systems and childhood trauma and wounds and emotional health and relational patterning and healing. I had been on the path of "Just keep going and never look back." When you arrive at Nervous Breakdown, you're forced to stop and look at what's going on.

"Compounded grief is when one loss brings up every unprocessed ounce of pain." - Adriana Rizzolo (@artofloving)

"Grief is different. Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehensions that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life." ― Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

"God, why do you hate me?" - Bruce Almighty

I used to skip over the sad parts. I hated the sad parts. "Why would you feel sad when you can just take something to make you feel better & then move on to something else?", I'd wonder, "What's the point? Feeling sad doesn't change anything." I was so angry. Anger was my Life Fuel. Anger is what pushed me through. I didn't realize things you're meant to learn are going to keep showing up no matter how good you are at running away, no matter how good you are at holding back your tears.

"There is immense value to found in powerfully becoming aware of exactly what you should have said differently or done differently or what you needed somebody else to do or say differently. Essentially what should have been different. Why is there value? Because that powerfully points you towards what you want to do differently now and going forward. Or what you need them to do differently now or going forward. It gives you a picture of what you want as opposed to what was unwanted. The "What Now" is your only access to Genuine Power. When you put your focus and your energy in the what now, that will actually lead to positive results and positive change." - Teal Swan

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

"The wound is the place where the Light enters you." - Rumi

Looking back now I can see the sad parts are how I know all the gritty shit that I do.

I know how it feels to not have a home or a family, to feel completely alone in the world. I know how destruction feels. I know all about inner annihilation. I know how it feels the first time you snort heroin & cocaine & oxycontin; how numbness can be mistaken for bliss. I know how it feels to think you're dying from an overdose, and how it feels to wish that you would. I know the power of withdrawal and the willingness to do almost anything to avoid it. I know about blacking out for entire months & disassociation & fragmenting your Soul. I know what alcohol poisoning feels like and how when you throw up stomach bile it's a mix of neon yellow and green. I know how it feels to have a dick inside of you that you don't want there. I know how it feels to lie & cheat & steal. I know about the dehumanization going on in the prison industrial complex. I know how it feels to be carrying such intense rage as to fantasize about torturing the person who hurt you. How it feels to think about burning someone alive, hearing their screams without feeling any remorse. I know how it feels to not know the feeling of safety, to not understand how to just lay down and rest because whenever it gets too quiet and still you become overwhelmed with the feeling of terror. I know what a panic attack feels like. How it feels to not be able to take a deep breath. I know depression & depletion & disgust. I know how painful pain can be and how it can feel like such an intrinsic part of you that you don't want to let it go because you don't know who you are without it. I know how fucking hard letting go is, how hanging on can feel so right when it's so wrong. I know how tempting destruction can be because you know her so well it feels like she's your oldest friend. I know how a human body can feel like an empty, hollow, tunnel where only sorrow echoes. I know what it feels like to give up. What it feels like to have cookie dough for breakfast and beer for lunch. I know how it feels to be wiped out by grief. How it feels to not be able to get out of bed. How it feels to lose all desire. I know what it feels like to barely shower or brush your teeth for weeks on end. I know what it's like to fantasize and romanticize death, daydreaming about what it would feel like to have your body hit the water at __mph after jumping off the golden gate bridge. I know what it feels like to wonder how sharp a knife would have to be to cut through your thickest veins effortlessly, how it would feel to lay in a puddle of your own blood, how long I would be conscious, what it would smell like, how traumatizing it would be for whoever had to clean me up, thinking maybe I could just do it in a forest and let the animals eat me, wondering if I would still be alive while they consumed my flesh. I know what it's like to spend nights googling, ironically, the least painful ways to die. I know the feeling of thinking you're so powerless that you probably wouldn't even get killing yourself right. I know how it feels to not believe in love. I know how it feels to not have one person in your life who truly knows you. How it feels to be so distrusting of humans that the plants and trees are the only ones you'll let in, and sometimes you won't even let the plants and trees in because the rage pushes away everything. I know what it's like to not be able to imagine swimming in the sea without a shark being there in the water with you. For a while I didn't even listen to music… can you imagine? I stopped listening to music. Out of everything, this is what disturbs me most. There was no dancing. I know how ugly being a human can get. And I know it's all ok. Now I know how to hold darkness in the same way I hold light. I know how to hold all parts of myself with equal respect and care. I know the insistence of tears and how resistance is futile. I know the glory of deep sleep after a lifetime of passing out from whatever it was that I would take. I understand what it takes to forgive someone who tortured you. I know how sitting in silent peace is like a pot of gold at the end of some kind of demented rainbow. I understand the Force of Nature and all her wonders. The power of seeing a hummingbird outside your kitchen window.

How can you make the world a better place if you don't know suffering?

Here is a poem I wrote a while ago:

"I have explored Disassociation; numbness, unaware of my breathing, unaware that I even have lungs

I have explored Trying; trying to please, trying to be someone else, trying to be perfect, trying to be loved, trying to die

I have explored Destruction; the misplacement of anger & rage, self-punishment, the pushing away of what I desire most

I have explored Distraction; running away, the thrill of the escape

I have explored Denial; living in a fantasy, playing the part, the consummate actress

I have explored Grief; frozen, unable to move, thinking if I felt the sadness, it would kill me

I have explored Crying; an ancient purification tool

I have explored Release: the deep laughter that comes after the sweet surrender of a lifetime's worth of buried tears, the music that understands

I am here now interested in exploring Resurrection; what comes after death"

Along with my intimate understanding of the gritty, I've also gained some hard-earned wisdom from my bitter experiences.

THE WISDOM OF PAIN

One thing I will say about grief: it is the story you tell yourself that creates the most pain. The ego wanting things to be different, grasping onto the illusion of control: this is the greatest pain.

Hating & blaming yourself won't change a thing and it will prevent you from finding the gold. You can't hate yourself into someone you love.

They say that grief is love & you won't know grief if you haven't loved. So I take the fact that I have known such deep grief as a sign that I have deeply loved.

"Without accepting true darkness or hatred or bigotry, we also don't have an understanding of the human experience." - Lena Dunham

Despite everything, I deeply value my time in the abyss. It might feel like a bottomless hole of darkness but I'll tell you what- making it out alive is a feeling you can only achieve when you've been through it. It's a feeling money can't buy. No one else can give you the gift of making it through the abyss. It's something only you can do for yourself. It's powerful. I've gained the kind of priceless wisdom that only comes with personal experience. Personal experience is one thing I have in spades. It was no picnic but my determination is a force to be reckoned with and I'm satisfied that I haven't given up on myself.

The pull of the familiar is strong but the heart is stronger.

I would never have imagined that one could survive such devastating loss. I think part of why I wanted to die for so long was because I didn't think one should have to live through it. I thought what I had experienced was worthy of death. That the kind of pain I felt should kill. But for whatever reason, I'm not dead yet. Call it Angels, or Fate, or Heart, but I think it has everything to do with the Human Spirit. Maybe Angels, Fate, Heart, Human Spirit… maybe they're all the same. Maybe these are just names we give to the Unseen Forces that create Life. These forces that push us to grow and continue on, even in the gravest of circumstances.

"Life is unkind. We fall but we keep gettin' up. Over and over and over and over and over and over" - The Pretenders

"Every intention, every achievement has come out of dissatisfaction, not serenity. No one ever said, 'Things are perfect. Let's invent Fire.'" - Fran Lebowitz

"Don't run away from grief, o soul

Look for the remedy inside the pain.

Because the rose came from the thorn

And the ruby came from a stone."

- Rumi

"Let us forget with generosity those who cannot love us" -Pablo Neruda

"But what if I lose them?"

"But Darling, what if you lose yourself?"

- Dhiman

"To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don't need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself." - Thich Nhat Hanh

"This next one, it isn't a song about getting anywhere. It's about walking toward somewhere that you've dreamed of. And maybe the walk is every day of your life, and the walking has to be enough." - Judy