Taking Charge of Your Happiness

“Take responsibility of your own happiness, never put it in other people’s hands.”

― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

Recognizing the source of unhappiness

“Someone else is responsible for my unhappiness.”

“I am always the only one doing the chores.”

“I have no help and nobody cares about me.”

“I am just a mother with an ever-growing to-do list, unseen, unheard, and incredibly tired.”

If you catch yourself thinking this way or even firmly stating it, take a moment and detach yourself from your believed reality.

Breaking free from my generational patterns

I used to live and say all the above out loud, thinking everyone was against me. I was mumbling in my sweaty home attire, not paying attention to my self-care, or how my flabby belly wouldn’t disappear for once after the birth of my second.

Then, while reading a book on intergenerational traumas, I started to think deeper about why I felt that way. It turned out it was all up to me to fix something in myself, to improve my mindset, and to dig myself out of the hole I was in.

I was not helpless at all. I did have help and people I could ask for support. But I grew up believing I could do it all, like the women before me, generations of strong women who have preached their so-called strength my whole childhood.

I remember now the other side of the coin, the tired face of my mom, the endless excuses why she couldn’t play with me, the forever blaming that because I did or didn’t do something, she couldn’t now do something else. I always felt defeated and smaller with each such reproachful “conversation.”

I remember the unhappiness of my grandma, which I finally learned about later, from my dad of all people. She suffered bullying and manipulation from her husband and still felt she had to appear strong. Until her body deceived her and she got cancer. I remember her repeating these words that resurfaced into my present. “I cannot do this anymore.” “Nobody can help me.” She must have felt so alone! But could she have done something back then to change her life? She was most likely stuck in victim mode.

The power of mindset in parenting

Why would someone else be responsible for your unhappiness? What is that person doing to make you unhappy? Are they avoiding pleasing you? Are they avoiding behaving according to your expectations?

Answer these questions for yourself, and observe clearly who is truly responsible for the state of unhappiness in your life. What if, guided by the journey of the reality you desire, you gave yourself time to reflect on your deeper thoughts, meditate or just go out in nature and explore?

Every time you find yourself in an unpleasant state, instead of sinking into the familiar comfort, you decide to do something to change the mood, the mindset, or if needed, the whole scenario, your life.

Scientific insights on happiness and well-being

I recently read a study by Seligman et al. (2005). The researchers found that individuals who take proactive steps in managing their happiness, like practicing gratitude and mindfulness, report significantly higher levels of life satisfaction and lower levels of depression. This means that our mindset determines our overall happiness.

Another research this time from 2013, by Lyubomirsky et al., highlighted the importance of intentional activities for enhancing well-being. Basically individuals who engage in activities such as goal setting and reflective practices, improve their mood and overall life satisfaction considerably.

Ok, but you might notice, that such intentional activities might not have helped my grandmother. She was probably too stuck in her traumas and didn’t have support. In such cases, it’s super important to seek professional help. Mental health support, such as therapy or counseling, can provide the necessary tools and guidance for deeper issues and traumas.

The Importance of Professional Help

Recognizing when self-help strategies are insufficient is vital. My grandmother’s struggles highlight the need for comprehensive support systems. I mean both professional mental health services and a strong personal network. Trauma can create barriers that are difficult to overcome without specialized help. Therapy can offer a safe space to explore these traumas, understand their impact, and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

Moreover, integrating therapeutic approaches with positive activities can definitely improve the benefits.

In my case, as I recognized my own limitations and my sinking deeper into previous generational patterns, I asked for help from a therapist. I combined regular therapy sessions with practices like journaling, mindfulness and goal setting. This was a more holistic approach to my mental well-being. It took a few years until I decided to graduate from therapy and my therapist supported my decision, as I had made great progress.

I learned through my therapy experience and also through some research I found, that when therapy is combined with positive lifestyle changes, it can enhance one’s ability to manage stress. I can also improve the overall quality of life (Wampold, 2015). And yes, my partner confirmed that the changes were visible and that therapy and all the programs I had joined worked.

Creating a supportive environment

In addition to professional help, creating a supportive environment is crucial. I barely had any close friends, my family was mostly across borders, and I was only part of some online communities. So it was mostly my partner who could offer emotional and practical support. But he was also overwhelmed with his own stuff and I needed a different listening ear.

Through writing on various platforms, I started building a support network, which then also improved my real-life engagement. By making a few real-life friends and feeling brave again to go social, I felt empowered and I didn’t feel alone in my struggles anymore.

Actually, the paper written by Uchino (2006) confirmed the importance of social support in improving psychological and physical health. For me, a strong and updated support system helped me handle stress better.

Setting a positive example for our children

In the end, I finally understood that while we cannot control everything that happens to us, we can control how we react to it. This was empowering and transformed my outlook on life and even my approach to parenting.

So I would like to encourage you to start taking responsibility for your own happiness. As parents on this journey, we not only improve our well-being but also set a positive example for our children.

Please join me in this movement towards happiness and share your comments below. I am curious to hear about your experience too.

Research I studied:

• Seligman, M. E. P., Steen, T. A., Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2005). Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions. American Psychologist.
• Lyubomirsky, S., Dickerhoof, R., Boehm, J. K., & Sheldon, K. M. (2011). Becoming happier takes both a will and a proper way: An experimental longitudinal intervention to boost well-being. Emotion.
• Wampold, B. E. (2015). How important are the common factors in psychotherapy? An update. World Psychiatry.
• Uchino, B. N. (2006). Social support and health: A review of physiological processes potentially underlying links to disease outcomes. Journal of Behavioral Medicine.

***

Disclaimer: This article was previously published by the author on Medium (with pen name Eleanor Writer).