Stuck on Life

“You know, when you're stuck in the same old routine in the city, it's easy to get caught up in the grind and forget what life is really about. But then you take a step back, get out of town, and watch the sunset, and it's like a whole new world opens up.”

That’s what I did, I finally saw a life outside of work, it changed me. I’m a different person. Sure, I still laugh at my own jokes. I still talk to myself when figuring out a problem. That’s just a small part of me that they see. I felt stuck in this never-ending cycle of sleep, but no rest. I could not even force myself to send an email of saying I am okay, I am alive that thought alone made me feel sick to my stomach. During my time away from work I've attended three funerals, dressing in black and having tissues in my pockets became a normal for me. How do you get out of such a rut? It's the people that you surround yourself with. My sisters pulled me out of the house; we would go to the zoo or wander in the park along with my dog. My dog made me go out and meet strangers in the park. I was finally seeing so much light in my life after seeing darkness. I remember waking up and realizing it was not the weekend and I would cry on my way to work for no reason. It was time to do something about the problem; it was time to shut down and shut off myself from that world entirely.

I have realized three things in my life during my leave of absence:

1) The people you surround yourself with make all the difference in the world.

2) I hate my job.

3) It's okay to admit that you have anxiety or that you have ADHD, it does not make you special, it just makes you wired differently.

Every experience I had while on leave made me feel grateful for a lot of things. I started to do hobbies I had forgotten about or felt too tired to do, I spent time with my sisters children and I didn’t feel burnt out after. Yet, I still thought about work and the events that occurred. I thought of “what if” statements and “maybe it’s because I failed to…” after the first funeral I thought about how life is very short and I realized how much stress my job had caused me. My supervisor before I left told me something important and one iota but we sometimes forget how “it’s just a job”. Something in my brain clicked.

Why did I care so much about work? I work to go out and live…not live to work. Getting that pay cheque at the end of the month to make ends meet isn’t enough in your life you need to go and be creative, find a passion, feel alive, do something meaningful. Yet, I felt powerless and depressed. What did I want to do most? Nothing. I wanted to daydream in front of the television, I wanted to check out.

Luckily, I started to feel a shift in me. Like I was a car and here I was stuck in one gear and unable to move and I finally found that gear to get me out of the mud and onto the road again. The answer was clear: therapy (plus work made me) I honestly found it helpful just processing things in my life which I didn’t understand. Soon it came clear that this depression and cycle was caused by my job. I had to quit. So I start to apply to other jobs but it was still passionless and I didn’t put in any effort because I didn’t care. So what made me care again? Time off, I was starting to get bored, I remembered why I wanted to work in healthcare. To care for people not to worry about what co-workers said behind my back. People are going to talk no matter what you did. I found an empty desk to isolate myself so I can freely hum and talk to myself without judgement. I learned all my life I had a learning disability ADHD I can’t focus, I’m in the middle of a task and I forget what I was doing, want to relax but can’t, thinking about a lot of things all at once, getting overwhelmed by too much noise. It all clicked. I thought everyone had this…but ADHD doesn’t make me special I think just a little differently, which is why I was a great unit clerk. It finally made sense.

I did not care what others thought about me and that was freeing. My anxiety disappeared. I was free. Weird? Sure. But aren’t we all a little weird? I went into health care to help patients to show compassion, to have empathy, to show sympathy when they needed it. I had to get out of the office and then a miracle happened.

A single phone call changed my future and life. He got the job. My husband was finally getting a new job. We were moving. Funny how things work out like the universe knew we needed a change and gave it to us. So if you feel stuck. This does not have to be forever. Pain is temporary and it does get better. You just need faith that it will.