Sometimes You Gotta Ask Yourself

1. How did you go from an extroverted personality to more of an introverted personality?

Puberty started the closed and standoffish personality. My body was changing and so were my thoughts and perspectives of people and the world. When I entered 7th grade I became more opinionated. It wasn't until that day I discovered I lost my voice. Not by a teacher but by another student. After that day my philosophy became "The more I stay quiet, the happier I would be." I discovered that that was one of the worst mistakes of my life.

2. Why don't you smile more?

Smiling with my mouth closed, I look like my age. Smiling while showing teeth makes me look and feel like an adolescent. Depending on who you give a smile to can either appear friendly or flirty.

3. Why are you so hard on yourself?

I beat myself up when I feel like things will not go my way. I'm thinking about ways for "It" to go my way. The more I can't figure it out, the more I get frustrated with myself. I know things happen when they're supposed to.

4. Why don't you have a best friend?

I can't stand a person who doesn't treat a friendship like they would a romantic relationship without the intimacy. They need communication, accountability, dependability, and reciprocity. When people lack these things, I check out.

5. Why are you so afraid to go back to school and become a nurse?

I feel like I'm not inclined enough to have the recommended "bedside manners." I get timid sometimes. I also I'm not confident in administering needles. I'm not afraid of blood, it's the technique.

6. Why are you so guarded?

Fear. Fear of people using my struggles against me. People telling my business. Not being able to trust, insecurities, and the possibility of being rejected.

7. How come you start things you can't finish?

It requires a lot of discipline and consistency. It takes a lot of being in the now. Knowing would give me panic attacks and self doubt.

8. List your: dream career? A career you would you settle for? Weirdest job you Googled? And, does the career you have now match your dream career and the one you settled for?

My dream career would be a trauma surgeon. A career I would settle for is being a pediatric nurse. Weirdest job I googled is becoming an EMT. A career I have now is still in the medical field but doesn't require thinking on your toes.

Sometimes the best kind of reflection is meditating on the things that bother you. Once those questions are addressed, new and exciting questions would accumulate. It gives me clarity on the things I want to improve on. I learned so much about myself during this process. First, my purpose is to serve, whether that be through medical or volunteer. Second, most of the things I fear are "fake news." How can one be fearful of something they never tried? This theatre production that I constantly run in my head isn't facts. Third, some goals don't require a due date. Most of the things that had occurred in my life never had a time limit. I can still work toward a goal and not feel bad about it. Lastly, most of the answers to these questions can be fixed. I admit that I created this box around me that I only know about. Protecting what could be instead of what it is. It's astonishing how powerful the mind is.

I remember what Joyce Meyer said in one of her sermons, "Think about what you're thinking about." I'm terrible at yoga. I can't sit with my eyes closed and legs crossed focusing on my breathing. Answering these questions is somewhat like mediation; focusing your energy on these questions and allowing myself to answer them freely.