Have I Lost Hope?

We all have dreams and nightmares. For the past two months, I've been having nightmares about dying children with one child in particular. After talking with my therapist, I finally understand what my dreams mean. I'm still in awe of how I can have unconditional love for someone without knowing them. My niece saved my life. Before she was born, I was experiencing depression, anxiety, and having suicidal thoughts.

When she came into the world seven pounds and twenty-one inches long, I couldn't help but ignore my negative thoughts and admire her round precious face. I thank her mom for carrying this sweet soul for nine months and showing her to the world. I take my job as an aunt is very serious. It's crucial that we nurture, love, and support our black girls so they then can become powerful women. I am happy that my sister has given my other sister and me the permission to teach, discipline, and love her as if she was my own. I finally know the meaning of "it takes a village to raise a child." After holding her for the first time, I committed to be her hero and to nurture whoever she wants to be in life. Many would say that I spoil her, and I would kindly interject and say that I'm showing her the world of possibilities.

We share such a bond that she and I would understand. I'm thankful she knows that I am willing to protect her and put her out of harm's way. I hope she becomes the best version of herself. Although I'm well into my thirties, I want to have the spirit of my niece. She's my angel. This past weekend was traumatic. A goodnight sleep quickly turned into me gasping for air and my heart racing a hundred miles per hour with tears streaming. I wanted to get to the bottom of these emotions. I am a very detail-oriented dreamer who can vividly remember the smell, taste, and feel in every dream.

It was cold, gloomy, grey, and did I mention cold? I was wearing a grey jacket, and my niece was wearing a pink jacket. We were standing in the sand admiring the ocean. It was just us. She asked questions, and I was doing my best to answer her questions the best I could. From what is sand created? To how are clouds formed? She noticed a pier and asked me if we could walk to the edge of the pier. In true aunt fashion, I said yes. This pier was nothing like I had seen before; it was wood, and each step was close to the water. I picked her up and placed her on my hip, and carefully carried her across the pier.

Towards the end, the wooden steps began to disappear. Every third wooden step it was water. I put on my superwoman cape, and my niece and I managed to jump with her onto the next step. After a while, I explained that I had to put her down because I couldn't carry her anymore. I had to patiently explain that we now have to jump to avoid falling in the water. She understood. We both grabbed each other's hands, and we took that leap of faith, only allowing me to clear the jump and my niece falling in the water. I quickly turned around to grab her in a panic, but she fell into the water and went underwater. I can't swim; some saving her would've resulted in two fatalities. There I stood, crying my eyes out, yelling for my niece to come back.

At that moment, I felt hopeless, useless, and selfish. I opened my eyes in a panic. Seconds later, I was gasping for air, trying to catch my breath. It was at that moment I was experiencing a panic attack. I removed my covers and grabbed my phone, attempting to Google what my dream meant. I couldn't type fast enough before my eyes leaked with salty tears. I put my phone down and focused on catching my breath. Falling back to sleep was out of the question because I didn't want to relive the tragedy that I just dreamt.

Later that morning, I had to prepare myself for therapy. My spirit at the time was on another planet, and my mind started to drift. Having flashbacks to the nightmare, I found it challenging to gather myself for this appointment. My therapy session felt like one big blur. I tried my best to be present and use these sessions as a part of my self-care routine. I quickly noticed that she knew that something was wrong, so she asked me to explain my dream. After "watching her drown" part, I couldn't contain myself. I cried, and at that moment, my therapist gave me my space to let it out. My therapist explained that dreams are images that reflect our thoughts and feelings in a conscious state of mind.

The Meaning

My niece represents a symbol of hope that I want to have one day. Losing this sense of hope will be detrimental to my evolution as a woman. The dream represents letting go of childhood traumas to embrace a new beginning, start over, and find my true calling in this life. The fear of letting go won't allow me to get to the end of the pier. During our last session, she gave me a homework assignment to read over a list of values and instructed me to pick ten important ones and ten of the least important ones. I mentioned that I had to redo the list four to five times because I wasn't satisfied. There was one word that continuously occurred, which was the word "hope." My niece allowed me to see what I needed to see for the past two months. To stay hopeful and jump in with two feet instead of one. Embracing change is what we all look forward to but rarely commit to completing. I aim to achieve. I've worked extremely hard to get to where I am now. It would not be ingenious of me not to finish what I started.

Besides, I have two bright, beautiful eyes staring up at me and permitting me to take that leap and HOPE for the best.

This article wouldn't be complete if I didn't mention my four-month-year-old niece (her sister). Her smile warms my heart, and her chubby cheeks bring me comfort. I have no shadow of a doubt that she will be just as inspirational to me as her older sister.

Click here to read more of my stories. I only profit off this website through reads and tips, so your curiosity is much appreciated.

Follow Me On Social:

Instagram: teisha.leshea and tl__teisha.leshea

Twitter: teisha.leshea

Writing Profiles

Medium: Teisha LeShea

xoNecole: Teisha LeShea

Thanks for the reading, and until next time.