Small and Simple Lessons.

When I think about lessons, I tend to have a go big or go home mentality. Especially if I am sharing it. This means that I often forget about the small things. The personalized and less dramatic wins that are setting me up for long term success. Because, honestly, we live in a word that dramatized lessons. I mean look at the fairy tales we read to children. If someone hasn’t cursed you, kidnapped you, or given you a magical item, have you really learned a lesson. And that just seems to be the world we live in. Especially if you are an adult. We don’t always look to the simple learns as impressive anymore the older we get. Maybe it’s because we feel ashamed of having learned so late, or maybe we have been conditioned to think bigger than we need to.

So when I had to look back on this year and think of a lesson. I felt like I was really scratching my brain. What in the world is going to be an impressive story? How am I going to make any lesson I’ve learned sound ground breaking and inspiring. But then I sat down. Asked myself what did I learn, and bam my brain told me.

“You learned how to show up for yourself Lane.”

Why in the world would I write a whole reflective post on that? It’s so simple and anyone should know how to do this. This isn’t inspiring? This is a trauma, people pleasing person’s goal and growth. And I have some other communities that would celebrate this with me. And my brain, and my higher self, paused and asked me, “Yeah…. So?”

Okay, yeah. Let’s write about this. Because you know what this has changed me, and it’s changing my writing too.

September was a huge month of change for me. For the last three years, September has been an awful month for me. It is the constant reminder that I am no longer in school and that I am a part of the ‘real working’ world now. And this sucks. I love school, I love using my brain and I loved learning. So every September I would feel this huge emotional downfall. This being my fourth year out of school, I was on track to have an emotional downfall. Which would lead me to spend way too much money trying to make up for the loss of school. I was at a boiling point. Another year was going to go by and while my student was going down, my MasterCard was going up. And I couldn’t stop. But I wanted to. I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to not stress my friends out with my constant anxiety and worry around money. I wanted to stop feeling like I was a failure and like I peaked in university. And I didn’t want to keep going through this cycle of depression. And no I didn’t do this by myself.

I stumbled across a mindset coach and a program. It was promising all of the changes I was seeking and to top it off, it was based in not only psychology but witchcraft. It was perfect. I was ready to jump in and take action. Until I saw the price. There was no way. And I got so scared of committing to this because, what if I was just wasting all the money on some other thing I was justifying I needed. I clicked away so fast. I was never going to be rich enough for that. So I felt like a failure again. I just wasn’t worthy of this kind of thing. I was not worth of spending more money on myself, I was not worthy of health and I was not worthy of having a good life. Because I was 27, I had already had 2 abusive relationships, was in a mass of debt, no hope of ever getting a home, and was so far away from what I had envision being an adult would be. I wanted to lie down and show my belly to the beast. Submit to the life I was living and maybe I would live through the small moments of enjoyment.

But then I couldn’t stop looking at this coach. I followed her on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, and found her podcast on Spotify. I took a deep dive and started to listen to everything that was out there for free. I even booked a call with her to check her out. And I knew I was hooked. And in October I jumped in. And as much as I would love to keep singing her praise, this is about my lesson. But I would be fooling myself that she hasn’t helped me and will continue to help me, because this is a year long program.

And maybe this was what I needed to take the place of school for a while. But so far it has grown from that. Because it wasn’t for someone else. And for a really long time so many things in my life was to please other people. Sure I had my hobbies and little special things I liked. But ultimately I was living life to please other people. I wanted my parents t be proud of me, I wanted someone else to love me so deeply it was poetic. And I was willing to give all of myself to everyone else in the effort to make people like me. So yeah I was buying myself more than I needed… and I also woke up that I gifted and spent way too much on other people trying to keep p with them and make them love me and not think badly of me. I was ruining myself in trying to prove myself.

And this was uncomfortable. Because I had to start putting up boundaries and I had to be open and honest with my people. I cried multiple times telling people that I was broke and scared. I had to admit that I generally thought it would be better to live in my car that to be stressed out by my Mastercard debt. Because then maybe I could put in all my money into the cards and just the car. I had to be honest with myself and with other people, with the fear of losing a bunch of people and of feeling so ashamed of myself. But then it didn’t happen like that at all.

My best friend hugged me and offered to help me set up a spending spread sheet. Offered to pay my phone bill if I really need him too. And well I was and am still struggling to not feel ashamed by this. It changed so many things. Because I realized that I was supported and I was loved. Not because I could buy people things or do these amazing adventures. But because of me.

And I know, I am getting overly sentimental over this really small shift in thinking. But I will stand by this. Learning how to start being there for myself changed my life. And I don’t think it is done.

Because I invested in myself and opened myself up to getting better, I have turned this year around for myself. I cannot go back to the way I was before. Because I am now a better friend, daughter and person because I am being honest. And because I am filling my own cup instead of constantly filling someone else’s cup. And this was something I use to hate doing. Because I thought that I could fill other people without filling or loving myself. Which was a huge lie. And there was no Disney Princess who taught me that. It come because I had to chose me. I had to commit to myself.

And no, my life isn’t suddenly perfect now. I still spend a little too much. I still have moments of deep sadness and want to smack myself in the head for being a burnout. I am still not successful in many areas of life. But I just found the foundation that is going to get me there. The foundation is me. Yes other people helped me build it, and they help me maintain it. But at the heart of it. I have to be my own foundation. Because I am the best person who knows what I need. And I am not afraid of being selfish and out of touch with others because of it.

My lesson isn’t one that is going to fade over time. It isn’t one that I get to do once and continue along my merry little way. It’s one that I will likely learn over and over and over again. And the best lessons are like that. They aren’t a grand tale of failure, or have an entire cute little story. They are stupid simple and they kind of just walk into your life one day. And trust me, I wanted to be the princess. I have dark hair, pale skin and blue eyes; I am in the running to be the next Snow White. But I’ll keep this simple one with me. Because I believe it will change everything. And I mean everything. And that’s what I’ve wanted for the last four years.