Silver Lining

I turned 46 this past November and realized I am at that mid life moment of how the hell did I get here and what’s next. While yes my hair is getting gorgeous silver highlights and my knees are struggling to keep up. I am really not that old. I have another 20 years of work to do. But what’s next?

As a 20 year old I had clear career goals after college. I knew what I wanted and I had motivation to get there. I learned to whitewater kayak, travelled all over the United States and the Caribbean. Married and divorced my first husband. Moved from Alaska, to Portland Oregon and then to Boise Idaho. Met my best friend in Portland in 1999 and have stayed best friends for 22 years now even with us thousands of miles apart. Went to as many concerts as I could afford.

In my 30’s I won my long sought after awards in my career not once but multiple awards. We received hotel of the year for Marriott and for the largest hotel management company in the world at that time. Married my partner for life and birthed two beautiful children. Moved back to Alaska, back to Idaho and then back to Alaska again. We bought a camper and we travelled all over Idaho and Utah. One year the kids and I camped over 31 total nights. We would go with friends. We would go alone. I would do girls camping weekends. I ran a moms group. I helped open a food co-op. I volunteered in more organizations than I can count.

Here I am now more than halfway through my 40’s.

I did everything I set out to do. I burned out and exhausted myself. My motivation and heart was no longer in it and I knew I should look for a new direction.

At 44 I took a leap and went into sales and account management for the states largest telecommunications company. I didn’t start in small business or medium business. Went straight to the big enterprise accounts. You know the kind of accounts that have their own IT department, CIO and complex networks that I needed to understand and be able to speak to.

Did I mention two months after I started we were all sent to work from home because of CoVid?

Fast forward a year later. I forget what it feels like to have functions that you look forward too. I quit planning anything. I can’t stand working from home. I haven’t gone to lunch with a girlfriend in over a year.

I just went back to work after five weeks of medical leave. It was take time off for myself or I would have ended up killing myself. Yes it was really that bad. But I have fought anxiety and depression on and off since I was in middle school.

I know what I need to do to get myself back in a better frame of mind. I tell myself daily that it’s my brain running on empty and I need to take better care of myself. I ignore the negative thoughts and push through saying to myself “fake it till you make it sis”.

I’m tired of faking it till I make it. I want that job that I get excited to go to work everyday. I want to wake up have the energy to get in the shower and actually put on makeup. But the vicious cycle runs and I skip the shower and put on yesterday’s pants and walk downstairs to turn on my laptop. It’s not like we have smell vision through Zoom.

Why did I stop caring? How did I gain twenty pounds over the last year? What am I going to do different to stop this life that I no longer love and find a new one where I thrive?

I’m not ready for a bucket list. I’m not that old. What’s now? How do I embrace the rest of my 40’s, then 50’s and 60’s?

The silver lining of it all is that this is the age where we are old enough to know better, young enough to not give a shit, and finally in a place where we have a little money to live.

So how do we embrace life today. Especially in the world of CoVid? That is my quest. Once a week I will try something new and not care if it works or not. But I will share it with the world.

First up: bought myself a sewing machine. Going to make myself some pants. Check back in to see how it goes.

Second is looking for the little joys in my job, by seeking options for advancement or seeking a position that i would enjoy.