SHHHH.....

There aren't a ton of things that give me peace in this world. The ocean, yes indeed, the ocean. I used to go down the shore when I lived in New Jersey, not during tourist season but in the fall or winter. I would bring my journal and just write to the music of the waves. I let my long, thick hair loose for the wind to take. The feeling of having my hair blowing this way and that was like magic. I couldn't control how it blew. I didn't care about the tangled mess that would come, I just let the wind weave in and out, back and forth while I wrote my deepest secrets to myself. This was wind making love to me in that special way that only it could. I sure do miss that.

We moved to Nebraska for five years, five months and six of the most miserable days of my life. I didn't understand the lifestyle I was supposed to be living now and I was sick all the time with constant, relentless migraines that my doctor described as a " medical horror" I agree. It was horrifying. I hated all of this but then there was the wind. It was waiting for me on our back porch. I would take my sweet black lab, Bear, outside with me. We sat close together and let the love of two beings just loving each other. My hair was whipped around. There was nothing gentle about it. That wind was revealing all the anger I felt. It hit my face like the disappointments of the past several years. It hurt like the pain that depression and PTSD were causing me. I would look at Bear. I saw that his hair was moving quickly to. I wondered if he was also letting some of the anger go. He was my constant companion and best friend. I knew with all my heart that we were kindred spirits and I am grateful for the time we had together. Bear developed cancer. I knew it before we even got to our Vet, Cory, She listened to him and told me that I was right. I knew the right thing to do was let him go so he could cross the rainbow bridge. He deserved to be free and healthy. I loved him more than life itself but we will be together again when it's time.

Bear was cremated. One night I took his urn out to Plum Creek Bridge. It was a very cold and windy night but I knew what I needed to do for us. I went down to the water and let half of his ashes go to swim free on the ripple of the soft current. He loved water. He had his own pool. When I got back up from the creeks edge there were at least six police cars sitting next to my car. I explained what I was doing and the Deputy in charge let me continue. The rest of Bear's ashes were set free to ride the wind. It wasn't angry wind it was cold and so peacefully, purely ours to use to say, " goodbye, I love you" to each other. I watched my friend fly freely. The emotions were strong, of course I cried. I cried into the cold wind that was pulling my hair in the same direction that Bear's ashes were going as if to say, " I'll see you again. Live free and Go find Daddy. He will take care of you until we meet again." I felt a two big arms encircle me. The warmth of the Trooper's body let loose a waterfall of tears but he just held me close and let me cry. We didn't speak, only the wind did. The song of sorrow, a song that was just for us our story, our love. our parting, our desire to see each other again. When I finally composed myself enough to drive home. I looked back and saw six different Officers and Deputies standing side by side and I could swear I saw a few tears for Bear and Me. Peace was in my heart. We had shared our last wind together and it wasn't angry, It was peace, untouched peace.

I live on a lake now. It's not at all like the ocean but there are these magnificent trees that call for me when a storm is coming. It's some hand reaching out to me, saying, " Come with me my friend you need some quiet so you can listen to the wind. You need time away from the chaos that goes along with having so many other souls in one place."

I always take that hand that leads me to our back deck. I sit of the steps that lead to the backyards where the dogs run and play. I look around at the beauty of the lake , the plants that grow without any help from me and I always respect the trees. The trees that have been there for hundreds of years and the new ones that are reaching up trying to touch the sky. I then hear a new song. A song that only the wind from these trees can play. The gentle hymns; just enough wind to make movement in the leaves. I feel happy but don't feel the need to let my hair go just yet.

I know that storm is coming. I can smell the change in the air. I can hear thunder in the far distance, now is when my hair is set free. The trees are playing rock songs now. The tempo of the leaves change. My hair is listening to the silence of the music in the wind. It's taking my hair, warm, soft violet hair into the atmosphere. It was taking away all the stress of days and days gone by. The dance of my hair to the song of the wind feels like two lovers swaying to a favorite song.

I wait because I know that it's coming. The clouds are getting darker and the thunder is scaring me but I stay to feel mother natures fingers running through my hair. She is shaking away any negative emotions, sadness, and worry. I can feel her fingers using ever quickening movement from the shift the timber of the wind twirling my hair around her fingers. The ringlets won't stay and that's okay. Peace comes surging through my soul when my face turns toward the sky. I'm one with the wind. We are swaying, and singing the same song. The song that is ours alone. A sweet country song being played with the only instrument my hair. The silence of my hair being moved by a force that is dangerously invigorating. Mother Nature takes her hands away now and whispers as only she can that today is a day of peace. I stand up to go inside but the wind and I have one last thing to do. I hold my hand toward that huge oak tree and pretend to hold a limb. I dance like a happy child because for today peace has come in a tender embrace that I accept for as long as it lasts.