Self-Love

This is by far one of my favourite subjects and yet I am still learning about it everyday. Despite being of an utter importance – it is a subject that is often overlooked and even more often misunderstood in our society. Self-love. I was familiar with the concept for years, yet it remained just that – a mental concept in my head with no idea on how to apply it in real life. And for some reason finding it out was not high on my priority list. Most likely because nobody told me just how important it is. It was a somehow mysterious thing, one that sounded vain and liberating at the same time and one that some people seemed to just magically have. It was almost like you had to be born with it in order to grasp it. Little did I know at the time – we were all born with it, it is our very essence and birthright. The problem is what happens after we are born – namely being shown and told we are not good enough. By our parents, by our teachers, by other kids and eventually by ourselves as we start to believe it. It has to be said that more often than not the message is not delivered on purpose and most of the time not in a direct manner either. It is more the case of us arriving to that conclusion just by living and observing the world around us. Every time we are told that we need to have good grades in school in order to be rewarded, every time we are compared to other children, every time we are punished for misbehaving – we learn that love comes with some conditions attached. And every time we fail to meet those conditions, we end up feeling not worthy of that love. The examples mentioned above are quite common and hence are something the majority of people can relate to. Then, there are those of us whose stories were far more traumatic and abusive and the consequences more pronounced, but the bottom line is that almost no one reaches adulthood without having had at least one experience that made them feel not good enough.

What happens next is the disconnection from ourselves. Believing you have to be something you are not in order to be loved, will inevitably lead to inner conflict, to some sort of pain which a child will have a difficult time to process simply by not having the knowledge and the resources needed to do so. If one is lucky to have a parent or any other adult figure who is aware of this dynamic and is able to help them make sense of it all, the damage is less likely to happen. But not many of us were blessed with that guidance and hence, we suppressed it all. We developed coping mechanisms and distractions, sometimes even addictions to fill the void, to numb the pain. Overeating, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping – there are various options of how to escape from feeling it. Additionally, we started to look for love outside of ourselves – in our partners, and blaming them when they failed to make us feel loved, not realising that unless we heal and love ourselves – nobody else will succeed at that either. Not permanently, at least.

So what took me from knowing about it to starting to embody it? First of all - at some point it is just enough. Enough of pain, enough of being deeply affected by other people’s actions, enough of any victim-like mode. Realisation that if I do not take a good care of myself – nobody else will. Self-care goes hand in hand with self-love and it can mean different things to different people. Some of the most basic and important ones would be taking a good care of your body by eating healthily, getting an adequate amount of sleep, exercising and avoiding excessive alcohol intake. It sounds very simple, yet many of us, myself included, struggle when it comes to actually committing to it.

As equally important as what you feed your body is what you feed your mind. Films you watch, books you read, activities you participate in, conversations you have. Choose them wisely, ask yourself if they reflect what you want to bring into your life. Which brings me to my next realisation. Another crucial part of learning how to love yourself is who you surround yourself with. I cannot stress enough how important that is. We are affected by others way more than we realise and once you change your inner circle to only those who are reflecting who you want to be - you will feel benefits immediately. We are energetic beings and even though we are unable to see it - we are exchanging energy all the time, be it a conversation, a hug or just an eye contact. So having genuine, loving and positive people around you helps enormously on the path to self love.

While human connections are of a tremendous importance when it comes to self-love, happiness and fulfillment, so are the healthy boundaries in our interactions with people. Learning to set them is not always easy and straightforward but practice makes it perfect. Again – what those boundaries are will vary from person to person and every situation/relationship will be unique. For example, learning to say no to an acquaintance might be easier than learning to say no to a relative. Ultimately, it is about learning who we really are, what brings us closer to our authentic selves, what are our values and what we are willing to compromise for others without giving our power away.

While it is important to stimulate your mind and feed it with a quality information, it is also important to quiet it on a regular basis so we don’t become overwhelmed by stimulus and stressors of a modern life. Having a practise of meditation can certainly help us to be more relaxed and able to handle things, but additionally, it can open a new dimension in our lives – namely self-awareness and spirituality.

So how is healthy self-love different from being selfish, narcissistic, egotistical and other nice definitions that often come to our minds when someone mentions it? Well, first of all - it is my deep belief that a person who is in harmony with themselves - automatically will not harm or belittle anyone else. In fact, they will want to share love and help others as much as they can. And when you truly believe in yourself, when you stand in your power in a healthy, as opposed to in a dominating way – your light shines bright and that naturally inspires and empowers others. So is self-love really that selfish or is it after all helpful and illuminating for people around you?