Self-Care

I am sure, like many of you, I have been put through the ringer this past year and a half. I struggled. I had my friends, my family, myself, and my students to worry about during every stage of the pandemic. My life was turned upside down, and coping with it felt impossible. I burned out so quickly within my job and my life. So I looked for therapy.

And let me tell you, finding a therapist was not easy. I ended up having to settle on one of those online ones out of desperation, but I did receive help nonetheless.

It was then that I learned a lot about myself. I had made many mistakes in thinking that I was coping well with my trauma. My first mistake was stacking my schedule. I had made myself so busy I didn't have the time to think about what was burning me out. I had work which kept me busy. I was working two jobs which were not the best to do virtually. I wash teaching and I was tutoring online. I spent about 10 hours alone on the computer actively trying to teach children virtually, which none of us had experienced before.

Then I stacked taking my own classes on top of that. I took a bunch of French classes to improve my French. I had told myself, now that I had all of this time I can work on myself. Then on top of the virtual classes and my own jobs, I started a bunch of virtual social things. My friends and I picked up photography to get out of the house and safely be active, I had started yoga by virtual yoga classes, and we had weekly virtual meetings for DND.

Now, this all sounds fun, and it was, but then suddenly it all just felt like a bunch of work and I didn't want to do any of it. When I told my therapist this, she explained to me that I wasn't practicing self-care. This information shocked me. I thought I was practicing self-care. Wasn't the yoga, the virtual time with my family and friends, and the French that I loved self-care?

It turned out it wasn't. She explained to me that doing things I enjoy wasn't enough to be self-care. She explained that there are four aspects an activity must meet in order to be self-care. It must: make me happy, bring me joy, give me peace, and keep me calm.

My therapist asked me to journal about everything I do in my jam-packed schedule, and then start dropping things.

I immediately dropped my French classes. I didn't even finish out the last 3 or 4 lessons I had. I just stopped going that week. Then, my friends and I agreed we weren't enjoying DND and to put it on hold until we weren't as stressed. It turned out everyone was too stressed and burned out to do DND. Then I quit my tutoring job. I was doing enough already being a teacher, and I didn't need the extra cash. It was like I needed someone to give me permission to not be so busy, and to just allow myself to be. I needed someone to tell me that it's okay that I couldn't handle everything, even if it was stuff that I wanted to do.

I kept my job, because I had to. Still, much later, I am still struggling with burnout at my job. Teaching is everything to me, but even being back in school and things being relatively normal, I am not where I used to be. I kept up Yoga. This is one of my self-care activities. I took up painting. Personal art where I don't have to expend social energy is self-care. I still do photography with my friends, and now that I am not as overwhelmed and burnt out it feels more like a self-care activity. I still see my family, but I cut out some of the more stressful stuff, which mainly included choosing who I wanted to talk to more carefully.

I am not perfect. I still make my mistakes. I am still recovering, and I still feel the symptoms of burnout and lack of self-care. I look at things I want to do, but I am not ready for because of my burnout. I encourage you to assess how you are doing. I know that if you are reading this you are feeling like I am. We are all in need of help, and you will make it through this too. Take it one day at a time and make sure to, that above all, you take care of yourself.