Scrape your mind like a coconut

To my future self and anyone who feels like reading this,

I believe in chasing the stars. I believe in being aware. I believe in being a good person.

I believe in going to the inroads of one's mind. There is nothing scary about your own mind (it's YOUR head - it might seem scary, but your head is yours to control). You can learn so much just by knowing yourself and choosing to do things that make your life better. This essay is about my personal adversities and my formula for being a strong person. (It's going to be a horribly narcasstic essay and I'm sorry for that - for what it's worth my current real-life self is confident, empathetic, ambitious, and down to earth. I'm a sweet straight-shooting asshole type of nerd.)

Being strong is about being able to overcome adversity, and dive in. People are scared, and that's natural, but so many times have I seen people I love cave in when things get tough. I think inner strength is something that ANYONE can learn. You just have to figure yourself out, and you can do so by scraping your coconut.

Here's my life story. (SO SORRY for the TLDR haha) I grew up in a beautiful childhood home with everything I wanted. In 2008 the economy crashed and so did my home life. My dad cheated on my mom, and I pushed her to leave him. We also lost our home. Flash forward and I was a preteen helping my younger siblings. My mom went from housewife to working 15 hours a day. We lived in many very tiny apartments. I quickly became the 3rd parent to my younger siblings. I simeltaneously had issues with bullying, confidence, and my sexuality (I'm gay.) I spent 3/4 of my high school years avoiding unnecsary social contact with anyone who wasn't family. I mostly kept to myself & my family. I had a lot overarching anxiety problems. Flash forward to being a fresh young adult and jumping into the social world at my community college. I was sweet and over the top, but also very innocent.I had many intese friendships, and I grew to be horribly anxious during my first fling of a relationship. During which, I came out of the closet and it was a blossoming point of my social self. Soon after, my first real relationship caused me intese feelings of frutrasion and gave me existential crisis'. (Note* my ex was/is horrible at communication, but still a good person - he and I are friends now.) During that time, I made a lot of bad decisions that resulted in me overdosing on stupid over-the-counter medications that I was using to try to get 'high' and 'feel something'. My ex cut me off (we reconnected years later as friends) and I went into a psych ward for a week. I met a guy while I was in there, and I simeltatneously came to the prospect of wanting to live a life where I "make good decisions." Then, the day I got out, I met up with a guy I'd met in the psych ward. He pulled out meth and wanted to hookup. I remember so vividly being in that moment and seeing a fork in front of my eyes. I decided to walk away from him & the potential life I was going towards. I wanted to make my life better, and having the awareness of "making good decisions" helped me have the strenght to say no. A few months later (by this time it was late 2016 and I was turning 21), I had met someone who drew me in, and made my heart go backwards in a crazy way, but I continued to make good decisions. He was a secret meth addict, and I had to get my heart away from him. (The irony of the situation with boyfriend #3 is that he was introduced to meth by the same man I had walked away from earlier that year.) My meth head ex has always made me feel sad due to his future life and the tragedies that I could see coming his way. Anyway, he made me reflect on who I was and what the power of 1 good decision has done to my life. I have a bright future due to that one good decision. I put my head down and continued on through my next few years. I went into the strange world of the hicks (I'm both trying to be comical, but also factual.) I started seeing a guy who not only continued the trend of playing with my emotions, but brought me into his redneck world (I was the furthest thing from an outdoors kid, lol.) I learned a lot about conservatism, and what it means to be 'strong'. I trusted myself and learned not to take things to heart, and to simeltaneously be empathetic towards others. As I washed away from the world of the dum dums (no offense to any rednecks that could possibly be reading this), I got a job as a Travel Agent and started travelling. Which was a total 180 from the life I had been living. (OH - AND while I was dealing with the hick world I was simeltaneously hopping from couch to couch, sleeping in my car(s) and having car related problems that gave me a physical and mental scar). I was able to financially afford an apartment, a new car, and I started venturing into the world of middle to upper class money. I've now formulated ideas on who I am and what I want out of life. I feel like I have a great understanding of people, and emotions - basically street smarts sociology.

I have faced a lot of stress and adversity in my life, and being positive and making good decisions have taught me that I can do anything. I've also been trying for a long time to be conscious of myself and my short term & long term actions.

Now, I understand that not everyone has the ability to 'dive into adiversity' as I've basically described in this essay. I am just saying that if you MAKE GOOD DECISIONS during every decision you make (both big and small) then your life will get better. Your life will also get better if you can teach yourself positivity (and being thankful for what you have) then you're golden. That's my formula.

I shoot for the highest star I can while my feet are still on the ground. Hmmm....maybe it's because I'm tall (yes, this is a possible metaphor for the advantages and privilege of being a man and white.)

Just make good decisions and strive for positivity - that's all I'm saying.

Love,

2020 Joey.

PS I have clinical anxiety that I view as a superpower because I have gained emotional control through my good decision making (I'm like Raven from "Teen Titans" but I am very perky in my personality - if you think I'm a sociopath I'm not, just extremely empathetic and disciplined). Anxiety is something that enhances the ability to think through scenarios. If you can hone in on your self control, then you can have a better perspective through situations then most other people. It's both a superpower and a kryptonite.