Sarah

It's true, we haven't had a great relationship. I left her behind when I turned 18 and changed my name to Celeste. I've blamed her for so many of my shortcomings, but I really wasn't expecting her to fully confront me in the middle of a guided group meditation experience last year.

During COVID, I found there were numerous masterclasses that suddenly became available online. Many were completely free or had a free introduction to a course or industry followed by a sales pitch to take the paid classes. I went through this phase in early 2021, while I had no work, of signing up for all the Masterclasses I could in the areas of music and self-improvement, manifestation, meditation, self-love etc. I don't usually like all the self-improvement stuff that is out there, but you never know what you'll get out of it. Sometimes there is just a precious nugget of wisdom that make everything make sense and can be helpful in life. I just take everything with a grain of salt, look for those jewels and leave whatever doesn't appeal to me.

For one of these classes, I really had no idea what I signed up for and wasn't really sure if I wanted to participate after signing up on a whim. I had to commit to 5 days of logging in to the live stream at a specific time every day and I'm just not very much the routine/commitment type. The first day, I pretty much entirely forgot all about the class until an hour after the time it was supposed to start and found myself in the car with my wife running errands, so I tried to listen to the end of the class in while running around town multitasking, but definitely missed the entire introduction including the purpose and intention of the class. I don't recall too much what that first introductory day was about, but I felt bad for not following through with something I had actually committed to, so the next day I decided I would be at home, and I would actively participate in the class.

If you're reading this, you're probably wondering what this class was called or about. Well, if you've got Facebook, you know how these crazy alogorithms tend to work. You look up one thing and suddenly you get an ad for anything related to that. Sometimes it feels like all you did was have a thought or a conversation (offline) and suddenly you start seeing these ads too! I had ordered some books by Dr. Joe Dispenza on Amazon and liked a few of my favorite spiritual gurus and suddenly I had all these ads for free masterclasses. One such ad featured this Australian ginger-headed guy that looked about the same age as me (late 30's early 40's). The class was he was teaching was about overcoming some of the hurdles with manifesting and it was called Magnetic Mind. I never heard of this guy, and I wasn't sure if I would like him, but he did seem to come at manifesting from a different angle and had heavy emphasis on something called Recoding. To be honest, I'm still not sure how Recoding works or what kind of credibility Duncan has, but he's started some successful businesses in a relatively short amount of time and authored a few books, but this entire industry is filled with scam artists telling you how much money they manifested by selling classes and books to people just like me. I approach with cautious skepticism just looking for those helpful tips or new perspectives.

My word of the year was to "surrender", so I decided to just give in and be fully present for the 2nd class to receive the information and tools being offered. This 2nd Masterclass actually changed my life in ways I could never have expected and not sure I even wanted at the time, but ready or not, I had told myself I was ready for a shift, and I was about to experience a shift bigger than I could ever have imagined.

The class started off with Duncan explaining a few things and that our lives are cyclical. A lot of this is in alignment with some of my personal beliefs about life.

THE CYCLE OF OUR LIVES

*We start off PERFECT in every way. As soul & spirit, we are infinite and live in an existence of infinite possibilities, capable of creating, seeing, knowing, anything and everything. We are limitless spirit beings.

*Once we are born into our flesh bodies and individuated into existence, we have this sense that we have been cut off from that limitlessness, including all the knowledge and creativity we once possessed as spirit.

*As we become aware of our separation from others as well as our groups and communities to which we belong. Our families, communities, culture, society and schools start molding us by creating a set of beliefs about ourselves and others. Therein the problems begin, because most of these beliefs are false. These are merely perceptions, dogma, and expectations placed on us to shape our own perspective and keep us in line with a certain set of expected behaviors and life choices.

*As we get older and become more self-aware, we end up spending much of our adult lives trying to "fix" ourselves, become "better" or "improve" ourselves by comparing or overcoming the beliefs that have been instilled within us. Often times society, culture, families and even those within our professional industries will tell us we are not enough and must strive to be and do more. The caveat here is that there is no such thing that is "enough" nor does "perfect" exist. It is an impossible task and when we continue to fail, we internalize that struggle and we blame ourselves, carry regret, doubt, blame and other negativities with us through all of our endeavors.

* We spend much of our lives in this cycle caught between our beliefs and repairs, but we need to make a SHIFT back to being aware that we are ALREADY "PERFECT" even in our imperfection and as creators (which is innate to us) we can have everything we want and desire right now in this plane of existence and lifetime. We need to both FEEL and KNOW this without any doubt.

The next lesson I found to be even more poignant and relevant to me personally. This was the lesson on the SIX CORE BELIEFS that actually stand in the way of our desires and that which we try to manifest. We use these beliefs to self-sabotage and wound ourselves repeatedly with these and most of us are not aware that these beliefs are preventing our happiness in so many ways. All of these beliefs can be overcome by redirecting your energy into your creative powers. Any of these could be impeding us from reaching our dreams. The key here is that NONE OF THESE BELIEFS ARE TRUE - They are all fallacies.

The point however is not to just pile on your plate more things to "fix." In fact, the point of this lesson was quite the opposite. We don't want to give these issues any more energy and you should remember we are already PERFECT beings. Instead, we just need to redirect energy towards love, creativity, beauty, and positive energy while ignoring these beliefs when these specific feelings pop up throughout your life. Keep in mind that according to the laws of Quantum Physics, Energy goes where your attention flows. This is just to shine some light on some of the obstacles you may not have been aware even existed. Simply put, awareness of what is controlling your behavior subconsciously and beliefs can help take away their power over you. All 6 of these beliefs only serve to make you "self-conscious" rather than "conscious." Being conscious is to awaken your intuitive and creative powers in the quantum field.

SIX CORE BELIEFS

1. NOT WORTHY - People who feel not worthy constantly try to "prove" their worth by performing good deeds. They ultimately CAN (not always) become resentful by doing so much good, but not feeling like they have been adequately compensated by the universe in terms of prosperity, love & abundance.

2. NOT ENOUGH - People often feel like they are not in and of themselves, "ENOUGH" so they don't go after their dreams because they feel like they need to accumulate more experience, credibility, degrees, or credits in order to reach a certain status or level that will "prove" they are worthy of both pursuit and achievement of their dreams.

3. NOT BELONGING" - People who feel like they do not belong and will never be accepted by whatever group they seek approval from will often either try to fit in by doing what their society, culture, or family might want, however in doing so may not be true to who they are. Oftentimes they will reject certain opportunities or people before they can be rejected in order to support that belief that they do not belong.

4. BEING INCAPABLE - A person who feels incapable does not believe they possess the abilities to achieve what they want on their own. They wait for that mentor, teacher, investor or someone else who will somehow come along, take their hand, and guide them. Their mindset is often "if only somebody else could save me, help me, make my dreams come true." Relying solely on themselves is just not even viable in their belief system and perception.

5. BEING IMPERFECT - This person is paralyzed by fears of failure. Failure is not an option, and the idea terrifies them because at their core they believe they are imperfect. They refuse to accept their own imperfections so they can become totally obsessed with being perceived as the best, which can often show up as body dysmorphia, work-a-holic tendencies, neglecting balance and only leading to a strong obsession to work harder. This person lives in a constant state of stress and fear.

6. BEING INSIGNIFICANT - The person who feels insignificant just wants to be heard, seen or famous. They try so hard to be noticed by others. This belief can also show up is when a person feels like they do not matter at all. They feel invisible, small, powerless, and as though their existence does not make a difference in the world or in their community at all. They tend to believe they are victim of whatever life hands them and are not proactive in creating or pursuing their life as they would want it to be.

RECODING

I don't remember much about what Duncan said the recoding process was all about, but on our LIVE Stream there were about 300 other listeners participating and he pretty much just talked us into a meditative state then started the "recoding" process that he does to help us reset these core beliefs and help us create new beliefs about ourselves. He has books and classes on his process, and it was all set up to get us to sign up for his courses and to either work with coaches or become coaches ourselves. You get the gist.

Here's where it got interesting for me and becomes very personal. While learning about the 6 Core Beliefs on the 2nd day, I kept thinking, oh yeah, that sounds like the old me (AKA Sarah); "Sarah believes that. Sarah thinks that." I found a little bit of Sarah in all 6 of those core beliefs that were preventing me from manifesting. I thought of "her" with resentment several times before the recoding session at the end of the lesson.

On this call with 300 people, we were asked to close our eyes and go into this meditative state and just "surrender" to Duncan who would help us recode our minds. As I went into my Theta brainwaves of a relaxed meditative state, suddenly, out of nowhere I was confronted by the little 2-year-old in the photo at the top of this entry. That is me as Sarah, 2 years old, just taken by CPS and put into an orphanage then homed with some guardians. She was cute in this photo, but in this interaction, she was fierce, and fiesty. She may have looked like two-year-old me,but she had the mouth of a teenage version of myself, and she was extremely hurt and angry. She came at me with some hard truths that I had never thought of in my entire life!

Sarah started telling me that the biggest bully in her life, was not Mom or my sister or the kids at school, but it was ME. She reminded me that every time I was taunted, teased, bullied or reprimanded I turned that pain and punishment inward amplifying it 10x worse. I berated myself. I cut myself. I harmed myself as often as possible. I told myself I was worthless. I told myself I was disgusting. Not to say I wasn't receiving these same messages from my outer world, but I wasn't nurturing or protecting myself, rather believing and reiterating it. At this point, tears were streaming like waterfalls down my face. I had never thought of myself as a bully. I had been a victim. I forgot that I had hurt myself so profoundly.

Sarah went on to tell me that when I became Celeste at 18 years old, I blamed every one of my shortcomings on HER, but she took ALL the abuse, the pain, the trauma, the depression so that I could BECOME Celeste. She took that for me, for us, and she also is the one that made the deliberate choice to heal, escape and become happy. I received this and accepted it. This was all true. Sarah took it all for me. I even have very foggy memories of the worst things because she hid that from me so I could be free.

Sarah was the saddest little girl you could ever meet, but she started out so bubbly and happy. Sarah was abused. She was traumatized. She was victimized, but she was strong. She used all the strength she had left in her to become Celeste. Celeste is happy, confident, strong...but there's something underlying that has always held her back and it's NOT Sarah. Rather, I learned it was MY refusal to accept and love Sarah. She came to me to DEMAND that I love her. She came to me to tell me she deserves to be loved and that she's still very much a part of Celeste.

All the while as I'm going through this totally emotional & spiritual breakthrough, I suddenly heard Duncan say "WOW! Someone in here is having a crazy experience with their inner child. Their having fireworks going off in their heart chakras." This entire time he'd never mentioned the inner child or anything relating to that, so I knew beyond a doubt, it was my experience he was really picking up on. Duncan seems to be pretty in tune because there's no way he could have known this.

AFTERWARDS

None of the rest of the masterclasses really had any memorable impact, but when my wife came home, I completely hysterically broke down for the 2nd time that day telling her about my experience with Sarah. I think she was really happy I had this interaction because she had always told me I really need to not talk so badly about Sarah and learn to love her.

I like the teachings of Dr. Joe Dispenza, and he often talks about Mind Heart coherence, where what you want and how you feel are in alignment. I've never been able to find that alignment, but with this single interaction with my inner child, I found the reason, the missing piece that was impeding my journey and it was ME. It was my inner child, Sarah. What I came to realize was that Celeste, the person I created on purpose to escape the pain of my past, lives in my head/mind. Celeste is the thinker, the one that is always at the wheel now, but Sarah lives in my heart. She is my emotions. She is my past, present and future. Sarah and Celeste NEED one another to be a whole person and to come into coherence. I instantly knew, this was my next mission to truly being a better person with a better experience in this flesh; I needed to truly love Sarah.

After this, I decided a couple things, one I needed to love Sarah and include her more into my life and actually deliberately give her love. I know I tend to talk about her unkindly. This needed to stop. As I gave more thought to this, I decided that Celeste needs to "reparent" Sarah. How could I love her? I needed to love Sarah as though she was MY child. I know that is confusing. Yep, I'm saying I need to be my own Mother. I need to love my inner child as though she is my child. There was only one problem I could see with this tactic...I'm not what one might call, "kid friendly." I've never been around children even when I was a child, I refused to identify as a child. I was an adult in a child's body as far as I was concerned. I hated toys and childish things. I make sure I never go to baby showers and avoid "family friendly" events unless it is for work. I typically won't visit friends who have kids and I've lost friendships because friends have started families. The word "family" has been one of my most feared "f" words and I doubt I have a fear worse than pregnancy or having to be responsible for the wellbeing of a child and here I am seriously contemplating the idea to "adopt" my inner child Sarah and become her mom. This should be interesting. My dear friend, Deborah Young, a beautiful light being even gifted me a beautiful, guided meditation to help me love Sarah, which honestly, I only listened to once. I need to revisit that recording.

HOW IT'S GOING

So, one year later, I'm definitely not winning "Mom" of the year. I am pretty neglectful overall, but I do feel that our relationship has shifted. I feel more connected to myself overall. That victim mentality of my childhood has disappeared in realization that I myself contributed to victimizing myself. When I think of Sarah I no longer cringe and make a face or speak badly of "her." We are one. I am her. She is me. There is no Celeste without Sarah and without Celeste, Sarah would have been a very miserable person. Sarah took on so much of my life's burdens for me. Sarah was very intelligent, ambitious, disciplined, and mature. Sarah possessed so many gifts that I would love to bring back into my life. I love Sarah. We still have more work to do.

This experience felt exactly like having that really painful difficult conversation with your loved one where they tell you things you didn't know you had done to hurt them but getting it all out in the open actually allows that relationship begin to heal even if there might have been some yelling, screaming, name-calling and hard truths to swallow. It hurts going through it and sometimes you hear things you weren't ready to face and you might be tempted to react in defense of yourself rather than just listen and be present to validate their feelings. In fact, I don't think Sarah's feelings were EVER once validated by anyone, so she needed that among other things that only I could give her.

It can be hard to take responsibility for the pain of others, and it's even more confusing when it's the pain you caused yourself, but I'm SO GRATEFUL for this experience and whatever channel Christopher Duncan was able to open to allow this realization take place. It's all part of my journey to waking up from the lies I have been told and believed. I'm here for it. Fireworks are still going off in my heart chakra every time I think of this experience. I love Sarah so much for being brave enough to confront me. I am both Sarah & Celeste and I can love both parts of me.