Rumination Is Ruination

I could be in a rustic village surrounded by rolling lush green hills with snow-capped mountains off in the distance and still get stuck in a daymare.

I’ve been going for walks just before daybreak while the neighbourhood slumbers. Now and then, I yank myself out of my head and look for the beauty around me. My eyes will land on the moon, a fiery sunrise, the creativity behind a well manicured yard, the design on a bird’s feathers. I search out constellations in the black void above and trip over my feet.

Doing this always reminds me of a line from one of the great novels: I think it pisses God off if you walk by the colour purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice it.

Usually my thoughts charge full steam ahead like a stampede, and I am swept up in it. Coming back to reality is my way of getting back control. The barrage of thoughts can put me into a bad mood or good mood. For some reason, the negative path is the well-travelled one.

For example, the subject currently dominating my head space is my gym crush. I say crush tryna be all cavalier about the situation, but I’m totally, utterly, hopelessly, embarrassingly in love. I’ve labelled him my twin flame, if you’re wondering about my mental and emotional state.

I don’t think it’s completely one-sided though. I’ve been honing in (obsessing) on the clues. Right after we saw each other, he started showing up to the gym at the same time as me. I never saw him before that, whereas after we locked eyes I began to see him on a regular basis.

We have never spoken, except that one time I was using the smith machine and he asked if I was using the heaviest weight plates. THANK YOU for not assuming they’re too heavy for me and just taking one. I was over the moon for the rest of the day. Okay, fine. Week. The rest of the week.

I constantly second guess whether I’m actually picking up on something or if I’m crazy. If we’re at the gym, but I’m at one end and he’s at the other end the whole time, I will wonder about that to no end. Is he avoiding me? Why? Is he dealing with someone else? Is he even single? Is he interested in someone else at the gym? Then it snowballs into, nothing ever works out for me, what is wrong with me, why would they like me when they are so many others out there? My mood is ruined. Self-sabotage.

It’s a pattern. I have done this with past connections. I get negative about the situation before they begin.

This is just one aspect of life.

During one of my walks I realized I could just as easily think about the situation in a positive way rather than create negative stories in my head. Since my brain seems wired to automatically take the negative route, I have to make myself to look at a situation positively, or optimistically, which means that I also have to work on how I view myself.

Even though things haven’t gone my way in the past, good things can happen for me. Even the bad things are good if I look deeper than the surface.

Thinking that something probably won’t work out for me doesn’t need to be my default state of mind. I am also worthy of being liked. Also, someone’s mood change may have nothing to do with me, and I need to just focus on getting my own mood right.

Thinking positively puts me in a better mood. Even if I’m being unrealistic, at least I’m keeping my sanity intact. Rumination is ruination. When I think about situations negatively or when my daydreams turn negative, I become low-vibe.

A mood is a vibe, and it affects how others perceive me. A person in a good mood is attractive in that they are approachable. A high-vibe beckons, like a lighthouse. It brings in people and people bring opportunities.

My mood affects my outlook on life. A good mood makes me motivated. A bad mood makes me feel like I won’t see success, so why bother trying. There are good and bad parts to everything; a good mood will highlight the good, and a bad mood will highlight the bad.

The quality of my life hangs on the nature of my thoughts. Sometimes, happiness must be decided upon.