Rediscovering Me

Rediscovering myself was one of my favorite endeavors, and well, you might question as to how it can be so for rediscovery for ordinary people is mostly a once (or if they need it twice) in a lifetime thing. Yet to me, it is something I tend to strive for now and then.

I do this because life has a way of having us go off track. When I was 19 through 22, my life was wrapped up with the people in it, especially to my (at the time) fiance’, who in himself. There was so much chaos and fog from everyone else and me being who I am tried to ease the storms and fight and defend. I didn’t realize how my of them became my own identity.

I remember when the ex’s criminal trial was over, I was so lost. It was said and done, over. A fight I been in a year and a half and completely engulfed my life. At 21, you are supposed to be in college, going out… living. I was burying my mother and spending time in the courthouse, trying to save my family. And then it was done, over. I remember screaming at the DA, all the emotion I held in for so long. (actually being completely crazy yelling at the DA to arrest me, I felt better afterward.) But for so long, my identity was those around me.

Six months later, The first time I went out with my *now* husband, and he said I was funny. I looked at him like he was crazy. But it also became apparent; maybe I didn’t know me. Everyone had an opinion, and I was so much on auto-drive. I felt almost nothing. I was a sheepdog, an ostrich, and I dunno what else. But there came the point that other definitions were important, but not always who I am.

Renewing acquaintance between self and I, I realized peace could only be found once I had found myself. Once I knew who I was, who I wanted to be, and where I wanted to go. It is with ecstasy that I proclaim the endeavor successful.

I found my spirit in the eye of the storm; And now, with the wind blowing through my hair, There is no way I could hide the determination awoken in me. It had been hidden for so long, but then it returned to me, like a long lost friend. I see myself, my smile in the mirror. And finally saw my own eyes staring back. There was life in them again. I could see the fire & ice inside of me, the white wolf, and the white tiger.

I had to leave the country to peel away the layers that weren’t me, but it doesn’t have to be that. It’s finding yourself, discovering your self. Rather it be in peace or in the middle of a war. You are you.

An example is my daddy use to tell me I could never preach; women weren’t meant to lead. I spent so long taking the backseat, letting others lead for me. And I grew up around strong women, but that man in my life lead me. I centered so much of my world around the man that it was nature. I use to stay I couldn’t lead until I was forced to. Then I realized I have so many people look for me to lead, and I did but very insecurely. I had it in me, and I just need the confidence to let it show.

But I am the white tiger, renowned for its strength and majestic fierceness. It is symbolizing strength, courage, instinct, willpower, courage, vision, and clairvoyance.

I am the white wolf, trusting my instincts, and pay attention to the world around me. Aware of everything. Symbolizing intelligence, loyalty, freedom, and social connections, and demonstrating them in a more balanced manner.

I was not born into this world; I was smelted in a fire. I am strong, and I love with all I have.

I am fire that excites the emotions and motivates us to take action. It signifies a pioneering spirit and leadership qualities, promoting ambition and determination. It is also strong-willed and can give confidence.

And I am ice… the ice of freedom, intuition, imagination, expansiveness, inspiration, and sensitivity. Blue also represents meanings of depth, trust, loyalty, sincerity, wisdom, confidence, stability, faith, heaven, and intelligence.

I am a fighter when I have to, but I am not a soldier.

But most importantly, I am just me. And it isn’t what others think of us, but we were are at the core that is important.