Overcoming you

It’s that time again, coming up so quickly, it’s the day I died, and it’s the day that I was born. It’s the day that we burned the house down (figuratively) to the ashes and wholly changed. And somehow, I rebuild something different, something better and new. On February 28, 2010, I died and Woke up to a new person on March 1, 2010. Since then, I have been through so many emotions and a roller coaster. From forgetting the event to working hard to remember. While the fragments of my memory aren’t whole, it bounces around my head.

You cost me more than I was willing to give, but you took it anyway. But the reality is, it cost you too. Let’s be real, no one went unphased. Isn’t that what war is, though, right or wrong, black or white, or even in the shadows…. No one is left untouched. We weren’t supposed to be in a war that should have stayed with you in Iraq. But without bombs, there were so many explosions. And in a blink of an eye, it was ashes. So, almost 11 years later, all that was left is the scars that have engraved both on my body and my mind.

You were my shadow, and all shadows do are mute colors, stopping its shine and softening the volume of the daytime orchestra. Shadows are meant to be a guest but a permeant fixture in any life. The truth is you were the dependent one because a shadow is dependent upon the shining sun. You needed my light to be the shadow you claimed to be. But I struggled to keep that light going, and it all fell apart.

And by no means was I blameless in any of this, naïve most times, things I learned years later turned my stomach, but you don’t hold all the blame, I guess this is what happens when we open our home up. I still do it, but oddly a better judge of character than I was then. But towards the end, I couldn’t handle all the “tactics games” and lies. It wasn’t in me. You were right; I wasn’t made for your world. No one is, not even you. But I survived, not only that, but I overcome.

Yet, the shattered memories are there. And I struggle to understand because I don’t remember when I lost my voice, and I don’t know the moment I gave up not only my heart but my soul, But I did. I fell victim to the never-ending game of how much I loved, but it wasn’t just you. It was everyone;

“If you love me, you’ll sacrifice yourself, and you’ll walk right into the flames and never blink or look back. If you love me, you’ll give me the things I need at the expense of yourself. If you don’t, then I guess you don’t love me, in which case I don’t love you either. So, time to prove yourself; I need you to walk into certain death and do it for me. Then I will remember you are the one who loved me, and you will live on in my memory, immortalized. I will be quite safe, that is what you want, right? You do love me, don’t you?”

Okay, those weren’t your exact words, but it was pretty much the game. When you love someone so much that you would walk through fire for them, and they accept you too. It doesn’t matter how much you give of yourself. It doesn’t matter that you have nothing left, It doesn’t matter that you lied to protect them. That you pushed away everyone you loved, for them. When you put your foot down and say no for the first time, in their eyes, that’s when you no longer love them. And that in itself is abuse.

Love isn’t about how much you give and how much they take. It should be equal, but that was something I learned too late. Love is respecting boundaries and not pushing you to risk yourself for them. And I wish you gave me a warning…

“If you stay with me, I’ll kill you bit by bit. That’s what I do to those who love me. When you soar high, I’ll drag you down. I’ll stir up your anxieties just to be the one to soothe you and help you to find fault with anyone that competes for your attention. This is about as far as I can be. It’s your warning. And when it’s over, I will still be there. Like a poison in your blood.”

But those warnings were never there, and I wouldn’t have listened anyway. Slowly I lost my voice; I became speechless. Then soon, I didn’t live with the sun touching my face; I lived in the shadows. Loving someone who only loved my desire to do what they need me to do.

There were times I couldn’t tell the difference between a nightmare and reality. Sometimes there are clues that I only catch in retrospect: It doesn’t matter at all. You can beat me with the earthly “gifts” you have. With nonchalant ease, he crushed every ounce of self-worth I glean, failing to disguise how delighted he could deal his favorite blows. How they are like candy to him, irresistible, moorish. He never chose me to love or cherish but to whip and destroy – for power and malice were his drugs of choice—the light you up inside with a sickly glow that shines in those languid eyes.

And all I have left is to forgive you… Truly Forgive you, and pray for your soul.

Forgiveness is letting go of all negative emotions and memories; it moves on with whatever positives remain. If nothing remains, then the relationship was all harmful – abusive, even if invisibly so.

I had punished myself for many years, feeling that if I forgave more fully, then love would blossom, yet in truth, it had never been there at all. I was the one in love, and I felt the guilt of failure, the weight of accusing tongues took me into a living nightmare – and my mind conjured them as grotesque bodies under the ice.

Yet when I learned what forgiveness is, there was nothing but water under my ice; everything was crystal clear. I had loved you, yet you had never loved me. Forgiveness brings the liberty to love again, to heal the heart, soul, and mind. It is the chance to begin anew with only positivity and break the shackles of conformity. I understand why you acted the way he did; I release all negative emotions associated with you; I am renewed.

So I pray for you, of those you have cast themselves as adversaries, steadfast in their coldness, contempt, and hate – pray for them with the deepest of love. Pray that you find inner peace, for, with inner peace, there is no hate. Pray that you come to know the depths of their humanity, for then contempt melts as snow under a warm sun. I Pray that you are bathed in that sunlight, and your hearts beat anew.

We are not born to judge but to love, to live that love in our deeds and creeds, to be healers with our natural talents, with the simplicity of a smile, a hug. Grace is a softness of spirit, a gentle nature, and openness of the soul, and humility. Be grace, be forgiveness, be the warmth in the cold. And in this way of being, your mind will be free, your soul light, and your heart healthy.

That is who I choose to be.

They always say forgive and forget, but to forget meant I never really loved. And I did. I loved everything I am. Love, real love doesn’t end. It’s forever, but it can change. And this has. So, the best forgiveness I can give isn’t to forget. But to pray, he learns how to love—that he finds peace.

But in the end, forgiveness and judgment are the twins of the redundant attitudes of an age that consistently fails to develop the kind of creative problem-solving skills that leads to a real comprehension of issues and preventative solutions.

Forgiving is a Choice, and Love is a Promise.

But it’s something I carry in my soul. I haven’t forgotten, But I will do more than survive. I am living.