Recovery [Continued...]

The mattress hugs my body from head to toe as I lay there in wonder.

Here they come as the tears roll through my eyes.

To be valued and to be of value seemed to be the biggest hurdle personally.

You become isolated to what could be potential in your life due to falling so much. Could I even hold my own weight? I was 98 pounds coming home and I have been the emptiest I have even imagined.

In a cold world, as a black woman, I feel the least protected and cared about. I didn’t feel like impressing anyone anymore. I always took great personal care of myself but other than that, my energy was drained. You don’t necessarily get angry at the male species but more so educated into their psychological demeanors. It makes things too easy for me.

I’ve made that decision when I was last used my the person who had stole from my soul. I immediately felt the cold world.

When they tell me, “You have to smile “, “You have to mingle “ “You gotta get out more”, “Loosen Up” “What’s your problem” “Why are you actin funny” “Why can’t you be more this and/or that”...... I become distant. If you asked those questions then you DON’T know me.

How many times has a person read me up and down and physically said “no” was bringing more grievance.

How are you truly accepted? I didn’t know I couldn’t find a way so I started giving up.

I told me, “ You aren’t made for people. You aren’t made for a relationship/friends-with-benefits/or even a little fling. You not worth a damn to nobody”

Sometimes we have to live with the uncomfortable truth before we overcome those that prayed devastation to me.

So I lived with it.

I didn’t necessarily manifest that but its something that constantly happens. It’s like upon first sight, I can see the intentions and by spiritual senses my nerves are my vibrations that can feel the energy and vendetta of an individual or group.

These are the reasons why I stay to myself.

I feel as if anyone who comes my way has the great intentions in the beginning, but then finds their comfort in manipulation combined with your dont’s and fears and uses their power as a game of chess.

Men play the bullshit game all day but I mastered the mindset where no lie wasn’t tolerated. If it wasn’t the WHOLE truth, The FULL effect, & the REAL you, then I DONT want you at all. I felt very comfortable with that state of mind but also validated the reasons why I maintain my peace alone.

It took massive and massive amounts of force to ground me to isolation. It really started when I went to elementary school. My first teacher was Ms. Crosby, to whom she taught me in grades pre-K/Kindergarden teacher. The effects were reverse back then. It use to be I not want any friends. I was a kid and didn't at that time really felt the need for any friends. It seems as that desperality has taken over in the years and has tend to build up this wall. Cemented so good that I wasn't going to let another break me.

Acceptance was the first difficult train to be in the youngling days. I dont know about other households, but two different cultures with two different teaching styles and learning in the same home were not building me at all. You tend to not only lose the real meaning of society, but really was like to be in another place. Another place, as in another point of view from home.

Throughout the years, I was constantly running away because I was suffocation of isolation. I felt as if what would it be like if you saw the real me? What would it be like without feeling the guilt of tying new or being adaptable to new. I can not stress enough how essential it is to look left and right in all aspects. Taking responsibility of my past. This is what I deserved

I am beautifully abandoned

To be continued......