Recovery

Walking out of the darkness was a new thing to me. Coming out of it, you asked, "What of a new place did I walk into that so bright and so vibrant, I can breathe with freedom. The new oxygen that will clean all of the toxinity that evil has left from your body.

The first wave is the after effects of brainwash. The first step was completed already. Waking up is the biggest relief snyone could ask for. whether it was in the morning, or after a nap, or in other cases from a dark place.

I walked as I felt dead, but alive to the world and eveything around me and and it. I couldn't find sometime to look into the mirror. The guilt a woman can feel inside can be detremental to her mental. So then you cry.

I put my head down as I repented over and over about what I have done to myself. I had to start with me because nobody couldn't possibly fix me. I was too damaged, too neglected, too angry for another male dominant species to approach. I though this was normal for me until the awakening.

Cancer. A disease that was cursed upon my mother for whom she was a non-smoker and health was key in her life. "You did this. This was your fault. Its because of you is why she got it" And then I was cursed with desolation and enmity.

Run again? Hide again? Try to die again? ...... I didnt know where to look, what to hear or feel. I go into the closet where I sit in the corner into the dark and I let all my tears run as much as possible. I needed to be private so that nobody bargged into the room to ask me something that was already known.

Scared to lose my mother, I contemplated my sacrifice due to my guilt that I had living in me. What I have done to myself, did I even deserve any more than what God could have offered me? I had so many demons, I was pleading, begging, and asking to take me instead. If my mother was put to death by a curse because of me, I wouldve went behind her. I would literally give the blood blessed in my vains for her to live years deserved and granted.

Eventually you get tired of the same old dark corner that you have made for yourself. So were you going to keep crying or were you about to do something about it? By any means necessary, I didnt want to go back to the darkness where my life could've went in a flash.

I called onto a spiritual counselor [tarot reading]. I didnt know where to start due to so much that has dawned upon me. How is it that upon surving a trial, I lost my grandmother on the cusp of Christmas, evicted from your home to beg to go back to the place you once left due to toxcinity, to your mother battling with stage 4 lung-cancer? If God was going to give me another chance at life, I was goin full fledge rebellion.

So I got together some herbs and supplies and did a ritual to rid all evil from where I slept. Put a white hankerchief with a sermon on my mothers back and say a prayer, making sure my mom sits on another section of the couch or house to change the feel, peace be still for the people around you.

Day by day it was a challenge. Consitency seems to be the biggest weakness to mankind. If its not enough, its no production. Staying in the same cycles that tends to have the people you associate yourselves satisfied verses yourself was denied. Not to stay in the mindframe that people have bad intentions but always be aware of conversation and character. Reframing from the ignotion of violence amd animosity is they key.

To be continued......