Realization

"Nurses touches the lives of their patients". Registered Nurse for 4 years and counting. Nothing extraordinary with meeting different people from a diverse society. It's been tied to my profession since the beginning. I admit I'd already lost count of patients that I've touched lives with.

I don't want to be hypocrite and wanted to be an open book as I am telling you now. The profession offers me a better deal with life but most of the time I hate it. Financially, yes! but physically and mentally draining. As the year goes by, I'm steps closer of outgrowing and losing the fire I lit way back when I was still starting. I thought the flame was strong enough to keep it burning but to my own knowledge, it's already been burning me. Each morning is a struggle to wake up and embrace the day. Sad to admit I have those days. For the passion I have is slowly fading that I need to resolve or else it will break me apart. I often asks myself if I'm still walking on the right path, for so many things going on with my mind. The fear, the stress and the risk I'm facing on my every day life I put to my job. It's like walking to my death one step closer apart.

One day, I met this patient who is in so much pain that he barely can't walk and tremors when he talks. At first he's no out of ordinary to the rest but he walked me thru his life in a minute. Told by the doctor he only has more or less 5 months to live. A father of a beautiful daughter and loving husband of his wife. Someone who dreams of walking his own princess down the aisle one day. A man full of dreams despite of the arrows life is throwing at him. Simple chit chat that turned into lifetime realizations. It made me realized that patients touches my life as a nurse most of the time and I just took it for granted. I often whine about the job and it's high stress demand to the point that I almost despise it. It hit me so hard that I should be thankful instead that I'm not where he is right now. In miserable that he relies on medications to ease the pain. The faith that cannot be seen yet strongly felt on that hospital room he's been in for several days.

It shook me to my core. I felt disgrace to myself for feeling too much miserable with my life. I've been selfish and insensitive. I don't deserved the title I'm been carrying. Shame on me! I told myself.

"Nurses touches the lives of their patients" but not in my case. Patients has been touching my life instead. They've been touching mine since the start but I was just so blind to see it until someone made me see it. A bittersweet taste of reality for me. From this moment on, when bad days come and knocks me down, I'll look into that particular moment as my reason to get up for another day.

Life is all about a rollercoaster ride, always be ready and make sure to hold on tight. You'll go upside down or even flip your gut most of the time, scary isn't it? But that's how we grow and that's life. Always be humble and patient with the process for when the times you feel you're at your worst, be thankful still for we'll never know what other people lives' going on too.