Procrastination - hindrance or help?

“Just start writing. Just do it. You want to do it, you write stories in your head all day long, you dream about having time to get it all out. What’s the problem?!” This is an almost daily internal thread, just looping around and around in my head, but not ever really being resolved…so what is the problem?

Is it procrastination because of self-doubt? Waiting for the ultimate sign that this is it, what I’ve been looking for, what I’m meant to be doing? Fear that if I try and don’t succeed, I’ll have to come up with another plan, and start again? After all, isn’t it better to be always ‘going to’ do it, rather than try and ‘not be able’ to do it?”

It is this absence of drive and motivation combined with an overabundance of procrastination, distraction, and high levels of self-doubt that has me thinking maybe writing isn’t my thing after all. Maybe I don’t have the discipline or the drive needed to set goals, and meet them. But then I also wonder if this could possibly be a version of the classic writer’s affliction. A writer’s block so to say. Is this not what most writers admit to floundering in the face of at least a few times throughout their career?

The constant fight against oneself to make lunch plans, re arrange the kitchen cupboards, take up rock climbing, become an avid café regular...anything to avoid actually sitting down and emmersing yourself in the very thing you crave every time you can’t prioritise it? What is that? Why do we cripple ourselves, deny ourselves, buck against invisible self-made constraints, and physically work against bringing our musings to paper? Does the torment and guilt of wasted potential provide the fuel for us to do our best work? Is it our version of a grueling training regime in preparation for a big game?

Perhaps I have I been looking at procrastination all wrong. Rather than keeping me from what I should be doing, is procrastination simply my mind’s way of slowing me down, giving myself a chance to clear the decks a little, absolve myself of distractions and therefore give myself the clearest path forward and the best shot at success? Can a sparkling clean kitchen, repotted indoor plants, the smell (and taste) of freshly baked bread, and alphabetised bookshelves all be part of the master plan? These seemingly unrelated activities of procrastination, once put together, have remarkably positive impacts on one’s environment, and thus help improve mental wellbeing, clarity and focus. Who knows, maybe I haven’t been avoiding at all, maybe subconsciously I have been nurturing a cohesive environment in which to be creative and productive.

Maybe I could calm down a little and stop beating myself up for everything I don’t do and start recognising what I am doing. And maybe I should have a little faith in myself and this entangled web we call life, and know that everything is done (or not done) for a reason. There are lessons to be learned in every action (or inaction). Point in fact, if I had not procrastinated to the point of intense frustration and irritation at myself and all the obstructions and distractions I put between me and my goals, I would not have, in a burst of defiant inspiration, sat down to write about my inadequacies as a budding writer.

So it seems that in my efforts to self-sabotage my career dreams in order to protect myself out of fear of failure, and finding any and every odd job and new hobby to get involved in and distracted by, I was in fact setting myself up with writing material I was knowledgeable and passionate about, and I now have a clean, organised, plant filled and deliciously smelling house full of snacks in which to embark on this, my new journey.

What I have learned recently (and now that I am open to the construct, am seeing reminders of every day) is that we do know what’s best for ourselves, we do know what we want, we do know what we can achieve, and it is perfectly reasonable and ok to go for it. Be yourself. Which means stopping and listening, learning to feel what it is you are telling yourself, and just letting go every now and then. Stop struggling against the sea of ‘I shouldn’t be doing this’, ‘I don’t have time for that’, the ‘I’m not achieving enough’ or ‘this should be easier’ and just let the current of life guide you. If that means a day on the couch in your pyjamas with an eternal cup of coffee and no computer in sight then so be it, the computer will still be there tomorrow, along with all of your ideas, and quite possibly a few new ones, plus you will feel self-validation that you understand your needs and stresses, and are important enough to take a break when recognised that you need one.

Rejoice in your freedom to say ‘enough’, or ‘not enough’, and stop wondering if you’re maybe not as tough or resilient or focused or productive or successful as someone else. Chances are you are yet to discover exactly what your unique skills and strengths are, and you may never get the opportunity to discover them all. You may not realise what your greatest strengths are, because they just make up you. Having the ability to laugh in tough times isn’t often seen as a skill or a strength, but it shows a big heart with space for love and compassion in times of pain, it shows resilience, and growth through the capacity to still see the light in times of darkness. It is a remarkable skill to have, and one not everyone possesses.

Maybe procrastination is my big skill. My secret weapon, my strength. The ability to slow down, take your mind away from the task at hand and have a breather. Come back to problems, goals and obligations with a fresher mind and a broader grasp of outside environmental factors. Maybe procrastination is my version of field work.

I have the tendency to be very impulsive, I can pick up a new thought and run with it so fast I have a business plan mocked up in my head before I’ve finished saying ‘wouldn’t it be great if we invented…’. Maybe procrastination is a type of survival mechanism for me, designed to stop me from going through with (most of) my crazy ideas. Enrolling in Circus Arts seems like a brilliant idea on a Saturday afternoon when you’re watching Circue de Soleil, but doesn’t feel like such a solid plan come Monday morning when it hurts to get out of bed after only one day of gentle stretching exercises.

Possessing the ability to take a while to get around to filling out official applications has probably saved me from starting a multitude of courses I would never finish and would leave me feeling like a failure who can’t commit to anything. Instead, I distracted and busied myself with various hobbies and endeavours and discovered interests and passions in areas I was before unaware of. These personal discoveries have then then allowed me a clearer focus when evaluating the plethora of life choices laid before me. Ans this, in turn allows me to make more concise and less impulsive decisions, and to follow my heart.

I will be 42 next year, and I am only just now starting to feel like I am in charge of myself. I no longer feel like I’m stuck in the grab for cash of life, just plucking experiences out of the air and trying to make them all fit together. I now have (slightly) more of an idea about what I hope to achieve with this next half of my life, which I wouldn’t if I had just bulldozed through completely sure of myself and never questioned, explored or ruminated on my options. I sometimes feel there is so much pressure to strive forward constantly, eyes on the prize - the better prize that is just off in the distance, that we are blind to opportunities right in front of us. For me, procrastination has been an aid in helping me to slow down, tie up loose ends, and maintain a cohesive environment, before jumping to the next task. And being sure that the next task is in fact what I want to do, because I’ve had enough time to sit with it.

Next time I’m beating myself about not prioritizing enough time and space for my pursuits, I’m going to try and think of it like this:

Every outfit is made great with simple accessories, and the philosophy behind this is, less is more.

So I’m making procrastination my simple accessory, and if I wear it well, it will lead to more.