Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

It happens to a lot of people, even the most experienced, the ones we look up to, and those who’ve earned prestigious awards.

As a writer, my works have been recognized on the national and regional levels but…

there are times when I feel like I don’t deserve those awards. Or days where I look back on my pieces and think…

“How?... how did it earn that scrap of metal?”

“Do I even deserve that high honor?”

or

“What was so good about my writing that they gave it recognition over other pieces?”

Sometimes I feel like I’ve just hit a patch of dumb luck during my high school years

I think it's because I’m a self-taught writer who never had any private lessons or had a professional teach me how to write creatively. Since my knowledge of writing came from my own intuition, required English classes, and the internet… I feel that I lack certain skills when it comes to writing.

That my own impromptu curriculum wasn’t enough to validate my achievements.

Writing, Creative writing to be specific, was something I discovered accidentally during a flood back in 2016. It occurred when I was in seventh grade, left me with no internet, and just gave me access to a word document that would change my life.

It was an outlet I used to help understand what I’m feeling inside through stories and prose. From elementary school all the way to middle school, I had a hard time opening up to people and kept my emotions locked up in my chest. So writing was a way for me to release the tension through my unspoken words.

Sometimes it's a way for me to empty out my brain (due to my active imagination) and let the characters my brain creates speak their stories.

For me, the imposter syndrome started to grow when I competed in the Scholastic Arts & Writing Competition in high school. My freshman year was the first time I entered. I didn’t know much about it the program when I entered… but I’m thankful for helping me find my start and confidence in writing.

I only entered to see if my writing was good enough. Looking for someone to validate my works. At first, my collection of poems and critical essays didn’t earn any recognition, not even an honorable mention but… my perseverance told me to try again.

I started getting Silver Keys for my critical essays, short stories, and my writing portfolio. It was exciting and I started to become confident in my writing. I was turning my words from a coping mechanism into a passion I enjoy. I was able to overcome my shyness by sharing my work with friends, mentors, and even teachers who I knew for years. In a way, I felt sharing my writing made me vulnerable since I viewed my works as people reading my mind and revealing my thoughts. That made me afraid of the judgment I would receive.

I wasn’t wrong about the judgment part.

It was during my junior year of high school when I created my poem “ _ _ _ _ _” that won a Gold Key and was recognized on the national level via Scholastic in my senior year. It was a poem that came naturally to me, where I did not feel like I was writing… it was I guess an out-of-body experience. Words were flowing out and I wasn’t even thinking what I wrote. I didn’t even second guess myself. It felt like bliss.

It was a very pleasant experience and just wrote with my instinct. Once I finished my poem in 20 minutes, I didn’t look back. Not until I decided to submit it last minute to scholastic over my memoir.

Thing is, my biggest achievement this poem crowned me not only helped me discover my passion for writing, it also increase my imposter syndrome. When I let my friends read my piece, the first question they would ask before praising it was

“Are you okay?”

“Did somebody hurt you?”

It puzzled me, confused me, put me in shock. All I wanted was their perspective as a reader, not to be interrogated about my speech.

It was just a poem really. I didn’t write it with someone in mind or trying to expose someone's lies. At that point, it made me question if my writing was truly being appreciated or if it was an outlet for people to psychoanalyze me. On top of that, I started to double guess myself if my poem truly deserve to be recognized nationally. A poem that took me 20 minutes to write versus all the poems that took me months to perfect to come up with no recognition at all via competitions. It really didn’t make sense to me. That I was being credited for minutes of my work instead of the months I spent crafting pieces.

That’s why with my case of Imposter Syndrome, it derives from me being a perfectionist. Trying to please people’s perceptions of me, placing extremely high goals for myself, along with the pressures of trying to live up to everyone’s expectations. And when my works didn’t match people’s perceptions of me, when they questioned my mentality instead of critiquing my works…

I started to question what my identity was as a writer.

Those responses made me question if my skills were good enough. If it was worth continuing to write, to unleash my creativity if my mental health and my overall wellness was in question.

When I get thoughts like these, I think back to why I enjoy writing in the first place.

For me, I write to escape reality and enter my safe happy place. Its a place where I can speak my thoughts without anyone interrupting me. I write because I enjoy the process of crafting a story on a blank canvas that my imagination creates. Not because I want to be the best writer out there.

I enjoy expressing myself without having to fear what everyone thinks. It’s a freedom I enjoy.

When I start to question my skills, I look back at my favorite pieces.

Re-read my favorite lines that I wrote. And visit my other pieces that won recognition, read them from the reader’s perspective instead of a writer’s.

I also learned to be confident and proud of my work. Because if I’m not, no one will. When I created my website, I did it because I wanted to pursue my dream of being an author and share my works to those who are willing to read them. Writing is something I would like for it to be my career.

What I didn’t expect was for people who knew me to be shocked of how expressive or how dark some of my pieces are. But that’s because they are so used to seeing me walk through the door with a smile on my face and being so energetic. That when they read my pieces, they were shocked to see my pieces not matching my personality they’re used to seeing. Plus with my writing, I speak the unfiltered truth. I don’t write happy pieces because people expect me to, I write what’s going on with the world and I’m not afraid to speak out on controversial topics.

So how do you get over Imposter Syndrome?

To sum it up, think back to what made you write in the first place.

What was your purpose, your reason, the motivation to pick up the pen and scratch the paper?

To open the blank document and start typing?

What genres or topics bring you joy when you begin to craft your complex puzzle of words?

When that doesn’t work, I go back and read the comments, praises, and affirmations from my teachers and mentors. I have a box that I place those precious words when I start discrediting myself.

It’s different for everybody, so my ways won’t work for everyone. You have to find out what triggers your self-doubt and explore ways to let it go.