One day

I woke up yesterday feeling pretty good. I got out of bed and filled out my gratitude journal.

My goal for today: Go outside

My affirmation: One small step at a time

I get dressed, have breakfast, and eagerly step out the door. I breathe in the cold fresh air, admire the bright sun gleaming off the wet pavement. It's actually a nice day. I walk and talk to my boyfriend who's with me. We recently moved to a new area and are pretty comfortable with our surroundings. Every now and then finding something to stop and look at. Like the gathering of small birds that inhabit some bushes and trees around a small gazebo at the edge of town. We stop and watch them, you can't usually get this close but they're comfortable with people. Their heads dart around, small feet grab onto the edge of a branch, each one so beautiful and small.

After a while we move on, just some shopping to do then we go home. Some packages had arrived for me and I was very eager to open them. One was for my crafts and the other was a birthday gift from my dad who lives in America. After going through my boxes he (my boyfriend) goes back out to skateboard, the ground is just about dry enough and it rains here a lot. I organise my gift box and go through the things I secretly bought for my partner. We have a special day coming up and I’m eager to put together his present. I clear out my emails and cleaned the room. He returns after his adventure to find smooth areas to skate and tells me about the places he found. Later we discuss our plan going forward, we're trying to save for a place together. We round off our evening with some pizza, video games, and relaxing time together.

I fell asleep. Yesterday was a good day.

I woke up today feeling very tired. I go back to sleep. Around 2 pm I wake up again. I stay in bed and filled out my gratitude journal.

My goal for today: Do one productive thing

My affirmation: Healing isn’t linear

Today is like most other days. I wake up and feel tired, heavy, exhausted. I look outside and watch the rain. I love rain, it’s so peaceful. I curl up under the covers more. Maybe I'm hiding, but not from the world. I want to go out and venture into it. I want to get dressed, sit at my desk and do the work I've needed to do for over 2 weeks. But last week I was ill. Stuck in bed with pain and fatigue. I'm hiding from myself. This life I have. I'm so grateful to exist, to be someone that gets to make some kind of life. One filled with happiness, challenges, and love. But most days I can't do anything. My blood feels like lead, the sheer force of will it takes to move. I'm a corpse. Living in a dead body.

I've struggled with mental issues for years. My own concoction of various forms of anxiety, depression, PTSD, and trauma. Most of that battle was working through my thoughts. Building confidence in myself as a person. Years of counselling, some CBT, self-help books, and attempts at different coping mechanisms ranging from smoking and drinking to meditation and daily walks.

Back then I thought to myself that one day I might wake up and not have flashbacks, not be sad, angry, or afraid. That maybe I wouldn’t wake up and lie in bed feeling exactly nothing....for hours...

I'm happy to tell you that it does get better. It took me years but I can finally say that I'm getting better. I'm no longer the helpless, scared person I once was. I have confidence in myself as a person, self-respect to know when I deserve better than I’m getting, and strength to leave those people and situations behind and pursue the life that I want and deserve. But I’m not healed. I'm not cured, I can't even say that I'm that healthy. But I’m getting there. The fight is tiring and frustrating, but every year I get better. I'm fighting through everything I’ve ever been through every day, and now a pandemic, and moving away from every close friend I’ve ever had in pursuit of my dream life. I am far more capable than I ever thought.

Now I tell myself that one day I'll fight past my physical barriers, work hard to continue to build a healthier happier life. One where I'll wake up everyday feeling as I did yesterday.

So when I tell myself that it’s hard, that I feel guilty for not doing anything, I remind myself that I will get better. I still need to do the work, but I'll do what I’m capable of. And today I did this. As I lie in my bed telling you my story I want you to know that it gets better. But you need to work, really hard. If all you can do today is get up and get a glass of water then you did your best. If today you woke up and felt like you could take on the world then you go for it. Do what you can each day. Decide each day what you are capable of. And when you can't do anything, remind yourself that it’s only one day.

Until then we'll celebrate the good days, celebrate the small victories, and that's all you can really ask of yourself.