My Life This Past Year The Unpoetic Version

There’s been a lot of crying, and when I say a lot. I mean A Lot! I feel so weak. I grew up with the thought that you can’t show any weakness. Crying is weak, you gotta be tough. 

To this day every time I feel myself getting emotional I need to leave the room. But all that has changed this year. I still try to cry in silence. Keep my problems to myself. Afterall, we all got problems. No one wants to hear about mine. That’s why people have therapists these days.

I grew up quick from an early age. I was introduced to things in life way before others my own age. It wasn’t necessarily a good thing, but it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing either. You learn a lot when you have no choice.

I don’t trust many. I’ve been screwed over too many times in life. From past experience, I know I really have no one to have my back. I knew better than to bring what I was going through up. Certain people in my life just compared what I was currently struggling with to something they had gone through. Like my problems weren’t bad enough.

But this last year shocked me a little in more ways than one. It taught me that sometimes I need to share what I’m going through with my loved ones. But only sometimes, and with only some loved ones. 

How can others who may want to help… help you if you leave them in the dark. It wasn’t this huge epiphany that one day came out of nowhere. A blessing in disguise one might say. I was at my wits end. Frustrated and overwhelmed feeling like I can’t take anymore. My Life has been completely F’ed up. And yes that is putting it nicely.

I’ve been fighting for disability for almost 4 years. Every time I think things will finally get better, and get a little glimpse of hope. It’s extinguished! Just as fast as it came, it went.

I’m not just writing about what I’ve learned this last year. Although this year I’ve probably learned the most I have in some time. But this unfortunate ongoing, never ending nightmare of a journey, has really been these last 4 years.

I’ve learned that I can’t control everything in life. Let me tell you that was the hardest lesson in life I had to learn to swallow.

I’ve learned that I really don’t have any friends, well anyone I can truly lean on during the hard times. I know people, but that’s just it I know people. And really how much do I really know?

Yeah there are people on my Facebook page. People from my past that knew the old me. People that send friends requests because you might come from the same community. People who know someone you know so why not know each other.

But are these really friends? If you pass by someone on the street are you going to know who they are? You could be sitting next to a loved one right now and not truly know them.

There is so much we don’t say. I absolutely hate breaking down in front of my kids. But they are in their early 20s now and need to realize that mom is not Superwoman.

I mean they have really seen me at my worst this last year. I’m constantly stressed out. My life is a hot mess. I’ve been denied disability at every step of this process. And all I can say is I’m royally pissed!

You know how hard it is to be told you can work by a judge. Someone with no medical degree. Someone who goes against what your medical providers state, and the medical evidence showing your physical limitations and mental health issues.

Issues that are so debilitating. You question whether you need to check yourself into a hospital. Just so you can get a break from this horrible situation. A safe space to try to recoup and focus on recovery. A chance to finally take better care of yourself.

But then you are reminded of the ones who still rely on you. I ask myself how can they still count on me when I can’t even count on myself. I try to push myself, force myself to get better. Because I need to get better now, it can’t wait. And by pushing myself beyond my limits I completely shut down. I’m no good to anyone for days at a time.

So I’ve learned no matter how hard I try to push myself to get better, I can’t force myself to get better. My mind, my body, and my soul need time to heal. Unfortunately, I don’t have time!

I came to terms with my reality. I had to talk myself into being okay with taking a huge hit on cashing in my retirement early, and possibly selling my house before I lose it. Not an easy decision. I put all my blood, sweat, and tears into building a better life for me and my two children. And here I am losing everything I worked so hard for over the years.

I sat my kids down, and my son’s girlfriend at the time, and told them my decision. Although I really was still trying to convince myself. Afterall, the situation I’m currently in affects us all. We are all going to be homeless.

Here I am damn near 45, and my life, something I had pretty well together was unraveling at the speed of light. It’s hard to start over when you literally feel like you have one foot in the grave!

I’m burnt out from having to live in survival mode for the past 25 years. Pushing myself beyond exhaustion, and forcing myself to run on fumes. This past year I’ve learned that I need to rest and take better care of myself.

But it’s not that easy. I grew up with the mentality that if I wasn’t working or doing something productive I was being lazy. I literally have to teach myself to relax. Which has turned out to be quite the challenge this late in life.

I know if I force myself to do anything it just backfires. So I have to try to look at things from another perspective and trick my mind by shifting my mindset. I’m not one of these upbeat, everything is sunshine and rainbows, happy go lucky, bubbly kind of people. And oh my god how I find that overly annoying. Nobody’s life can be that damn great.

But I do have to remind myself that I am a fighter even if I feel like there is no fight in me left. I have to try to convince myself that what people are telling me, it might be true. Of course I’m not sure I can trust things will work out even if they have good intentions. But I have to believe they genuinely want to help out.

Since speaking with my family they have stepped up a bit. I don’t have to ask a hundred times for someone to do something, only a few dozen. Yeah the majority of things still fall on me, but that’s because at times I get sick of asking, and try to do it myself.

The only problem with me taking on what others need to do, is it tires me out. Then I don’t get what I need to do done, because I’m too tired. So I guess there’s still some lessons I need to learn. But hey the year is not quite over yet!