Echoes of the Year's Lesson

I can hear the loud screams in my head! 

The pain and frustration pent up from the Echoes of the Year's Lesson running through my mind on repeat.

I'm shaken from all the terrorizing and torment of my past employer. Working in a hostile environment almost 4 years ago.

I thought I had finally moved on, but it's this black shadow of a hand emerging from beneath the ground grabbing my ankle and trying to pull me under.

I've tried to put on a good front and convince myself everything is fine. But that's not what my life reflects.

My Life is falling apart, shattered all around me like the broken shards of a mirror. Only bringing me bad luck for the next several years.

My head is a mess! I've never questioned my own capabilities. I've always fought, that's what I did. I had the blood of my ancestors coursing through my veins. The blood of warriors.

I've pushed myself for far too long. My life on autopilot only living in survival mode. But that is how I have always gotten by. A single mom, forced to be the one to make ends meet for my family.

The years replaying over and over in my thoughts. I break down and cry, doing my best to move forward. I keep seeing myself walking down this winding road covered in a thick fog.

There is no end in sight. My destination is not clear. The path I'm on filled with roadblocks and detours. I need to reach the end with every corner I choose the wrong direction. I'm all turned around.

I feel lost in a maze, trapped in a sea of confusion, and chaos. Searching for some clarity amongst the stars. I try to find the person I once was. Trying desperately to lift up the rocks and boulders of uncertainty.

I realize I can't clear the path. I have to do my best to climb over all the obstacles that are laid down before me on this journey. I pull out the map and look back at where I came from. Looking for clues I must have passed along the way.

A sign, some caution tape, red flags, a u-turn. I wonder, I sit and ponder, and I ask myself how did I make it all those years on my own. How did I slip off the end of the canyon and not fall to my death.

How did I escape from the pits of the venomous snakes found in the thickest forests. How did I out run the mighty lions trying to devour me. I remembered it was the Creator that helped me through it all.

This last year has been my worst. My physical ailments push me to my breaking point each and every day. I can imagine myself in a few short years hobbling around like a pirate with a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch over one eye.

The years have not been kind to me. Whoever said aging would be a breeze. Living with physical limitations this early in life. Fighting my own thoughts as if I'm being controlled by my mental health. It's like trying to tread water only to find myself being pulled under by the quicksand.

I fight daily with the thoughts of delusions and disbelief! Who I am is not who I am. I find my life turned upside down, and I search to find myself once again. 

I push through the rose bushes as I'm cut up and scared by the thorns sticking out of the shrubs. I dodge the branches being thrown at me as the winds pick up with speed. This is me living in a state of ups and downs, but more downs than ups this last year.

I'm being flung around a vortex of a black hole. I see my life slipping away. The possibility of losing my family's house. Something I worked so hard to get at the age of 29. My health and wellness mere illusions playing out in my mind of yesteryears and better times.

My Life is no longer under my control. It has a mind of its own. It no longer listens to the Drill Sergeant like instructions I shout out. My yells are muffled, they become silent screams as the night falls.

But yet I hold on tight for dear life. My soul sets off the tiniest spark within. Yukwatsistay^! Our Fire, Our Spirit, Within Each of Us. I'm reminded as I look down and see my tattoo.

I remind myself I'm stronger than this. I can't let my current circumstances defeat me! I keep trying to push myself, force myself to walk down this jagged path that I'm unable to pass. 

But what if I stopped? Let my mind wander as my body stands still. My creativity is the only thing that can open up a new path on my journey in this so-called life.

I need to imagine I’m on a tropical island laying on the sandy beach. Listening to the waves come crashing onto the rocky shore. Basking in the soft warm glow of the bright yellow sun.

I need to imagine my mind, body, and soul slowly healing as the vibe in the atmosphere, the rhythmic melody playing off in the distance calling my name, brings a smile to my face from ear to ear.

I need to feel that refreshing feeling of renewal. The way one feels when they take a sip from a crisp cool drink, and start to do the happy dance one does when they bite into some comfort foods.

These are the thoughts and feelings the Creator blesses me with in my mind. And when I open my eyes. That feeling of joy and happiness lingers just a little while. It fills my heart with a pleasant feeling. A feeling I don’t want to let go.

A feeling I so desperately cling to as I’m forced back into a gloomy and bleak reality. But now there’s a glimmer of hope. My creativity is what can set me free.

If I can’t trust my own thoughts of me. And I can’t force my body to work with me at the speed I need, then what else can I do? I need to transport myself. I need to get off the path I’m on, and create a new one!

This is the lesson I’ve learned!