My Journey of Self-Discovery Through Drumming

A reflection I wrote about 7 years ago about how I gained a love and a passion for drumming.

Part 1: The Beginning

Sometimes I sit and wonder to myself how I made it this far. How I hadn’t given up and just decided that I had had enough and been done with it all. But by some miracle, I don’t know if it was God or something else, I am here. I am here and I want to share with you my story.

A lot has happened for me in the past year; I entered into a new phase in my life, and there was nothing, absolutely nothing, that I could do about it. It just happened. Just like that, I was starting a new adventure, a new journey, a new way of life. When you think about all of these things, when someone tells you that they have grown so much, gained strength, and found a spirituality with the universe they didn’t know they had, you probably think it had something to do with religion, or church, or becoming more faithful. I am not an athiest, and I connect on a spiritual level to many different things in my life. So, what you are probably wondering is; what was that thing? And you’re probably going to be pretty surprised when I tell you that that thing was drumming.

When I tell people that drumming saved my life, I’m not exaggerating. It did. I might have seemed “together” to some other people, it might have seemed like my life was fine the way it was, but I wasn’t fine. I was not living a happy life. I had a lot of struggles people didn‘t know about. When I look back to the past year, to the beginning of my journey as a drummer to now, I can’t help but think that it must have been fate, that one day, I decided I was going to take all of this on, and truly believe in my heart that God, or some higher being, was looking out for me; that there was some force pulling me towards it and telling me that this is where I should be. That all of this was meant to happen; that it happened for a reason, and that reason was to help me get through all of this. I don’t think I would have ever seen the light without it, and if I did, I wouldn’t be writing these words today. I would have gone down a lot of dark paths if it hadn’t been for drumming. I had no idea that was the one thing I needed in my life more than anything else. I remember the day I decided to drive up to the local music store, Sam Ash, and ask about drumming, and I thought to myself, why am I doing this? But something in my heart, I don’t know why, was telling me that I needed to do this, so I did. After I started taking lessons, I kind of started to realize that this was going to be a lot bigger than I thought. That this would mean more to me, and that maybe, just maybe, this would be a life-changing experience, and that’s what it became for me. Sometime between learning my first beat and buying my first kit, I fell in love with it. Sometime in the moment I first played and felt, really felt the beat inside me, I was forever changed. I can’t explain it. It’s just the most beautiful thing in my life, the most intense love I’ve ever felt, the thing that makes me the happiest. Somewhere, in my favorite place in the world, I found myself. I found everything.

Honestly, before I started drumming, I wasn’t living my life; I was sliding by from day to day just kind of settling for the cards I had been dealt in life. I dreamed of doing more things; of becoming more; of making more of my life. But they were only dreams. And night after night, I would come home from work, collapsing on my bed, letting the depression eat away at me.

Sometimes I would even cry myself to sleep. I wasn’t happy. I was living a life so cut off from the rest of the world that I felt disconnected from everyone and everything; drumming gave me that connection back. Drumming gave me everything back. All the missing pieces in my life that I had been looking for, searching for, somehow just fell into place when I started drumming.

If it weren’t for this experience, I don‘t know where I would be right now, as a person, or otherwise. The way I was living wasn’t healthy, for me, or for those around me. I had many problems that stemmed from my depression; I starved myself sometimes, then regretted that decision later with a panging hunger that could never be satisfied. I sometimes hurt myself, but this was typically in my younger years and not the past several years. I punished myself mentally for things that were beyond my control, I constantly brought myself down and had a terrible self esteem, about my looks, about the way I acted, the way I thought people perceived me. It was horrible, and it was a miserable way to live. On top of that, I was living with a person who continued to be a huge drain on me, and even though they did try to help me get out of these funks I would get myself into, it only led to a cycle of unhealthy dependency and then that became too much for me. In the end, drumming sparked something in me that I could never stop once it had begun.

I think one of the best things about my initial decision to play the drums was the fact that I had decided to do it, and I wasn’t doing it for anyone else; just for me. Just because I wanted to see what I was capable of, and I wanted to try something new. Whenever something like that comes into your life, a curiosity, an idea, some vague thought that maybe this would be something fun to try out, you’ve got to go out and grab it. So that’s what I did. At first, I was super nervous. In my head, I was constantly thinking about all the “what ifs”:

What if the people in there laugh at me?

What if I’m not good at it?

What if I make a fool of myself?

What if it’s too much for me to handle?

What if I make a mistake?

What if this is just a phase?

The last question was probably the most legit question of all the “what ifs” circling around inside my head on the day I walked into the Sam Ash and decided to ask about taking drum lessons. In my life, I have enjoyed many different hobbies and interests. Some, I have been pretty good at. Others, not so much. It’s basically been a trial and error process for me for years. But there are a few things that have stuck with me as consistent in time, and those are writing, making art, and singing. All of those things I enjoy enough that I continue to do them all the time. However, my family members have seen my ”phases” as they like to call them. Phases like learning to play a guitar and just giving up after a couple of months, taking a ballet class, and realizing that was a mistake. Anyway, my family sort of gave me a hard time when I started drumming, as they saw it as one of my “phases“ and not something that I was going to stick with. I think in my younger years, I went through phases or kept cycling back and forth between different hobbies because:

1. I used to have a lot of trouble finishing the projects I started.

2. I was unnmedicated and pursuing create endeavors has always been a big part of my manic energy. (I would spend an unnecessary amount of time working on projects and then never sleeping or eating)

3. I was looking for happiness, and a lot of times, what I ended up finding was that I didn’t feel good enough at anything because of my low self esteem.

All of that aside, the past year spent drumming has shown me that this isn’t just a “phase” for me, and it is very much something that I could never give up, and that I will continue to do for as long as I can. It has become one of the biggest and greatest things in my life in such a short amount of time. It was almost too easy for me to just absolutely fall in love with drumming. I almost felt as if it filled in a missing piece of my heart, and from that point on, I felt more complete, more whole, and more myself. A lot of drumming helped me discover the kind of person I am, and the kind of person I want to be. Drumming helped me realize a lot of things, but that first moment of elation and excitement when I started playing is a moment I will treasure forever.

I was going in to the store for my first lesson. I had so many mixed emotions walking in there on that day. My heart felt all fluttery, and my chest was red. (Whenever I am nervous or excited my chest gets red and splotchy looking, and I’m convinced it’s a genetic thing because all of the woman in my family have the same problem, too.) Walking into the Sam Ask on any given day is like an adventure. Now that I know more of the people who work there, I will often stop around the store and have conversations with some of the employees. (Sone times I even helped out customers, which can be rather hilarious sometimes because some of them think I work there, and I have to tell them “No, but I can direct you to someone who does.) Anyway, walking into my first lesson, I couldn’t stop the excitement; my heart beating hard in my chest, my mouth drying up at the nervousness; everything was so new to me. I didn’t really know anyone that worked there, aside from vaguelay remembering the person that helped me set up my first lesson. Mostly, I was just taking in the scenery; to my right, the guitar department, and just beyond that; wall after wall of glistening guitars with all different designs and shapes and colors. To my left, the front desk and the people who are always happy to greet you as you walk in. Just in front of me as I continued walking towards the back of the store, the start of all the drums. The beautiful kits right in front of me, calling my name. In the center of the store is a giant stage, and just behind that is the most beautiful place in the entire store. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is more magical and beautiful and wonderful, and just, amazing. Sometimes I sit in there and just look around at all of the beauty surrounding me. I can’t even fully put it into words. I can close my eyes and picture every inch of that place like I was just there two seconds ago. To the far left, the snare drums hanging on the wall, and the back room on the left with all the bass drum pedals. My favorite place to sit right in front of me; the electronic kit that I often go in and play when I want to forget all my troubles and just get lost in the beat. The kits lined up from wall to wall up above the desk, the cymbals in the back room, the sticks and heads to the right, and in the very far right hand corner, the room that houses all of the electronic drum kits.

I can’t help but smile when I walk in there, it is my happy place. How can you not be in a place like that, and see what I have seen, have the experiences I have had, and not fall in love with it? I think honestly I fall in love with that place again and again every time I go there.

It’s funny how this place was my “happy place” when I was a teen, too. When I was in high school, it was my go-to place for whenever I was feeling sad or depressed. I would often just walk into the store and wander around by myself. (Something about seeing shiny, beautiful things makes me extremely happy- must be the ADHD). But really, it was the music, the excitement, the environment, that always cheered me up. The way everything looked so perfect and wonderful. So, it’s always been that kind of place for me, a place that calms me, comforts me, makes me feel better. Now, I’m 29, older, maybe a little wiser, but my happy place is still the same. But maybe it’s more than that for me. It’s my home away from home.

Yet, on the day of my first lesson, I was still super nervous. I met my teacher and we went into the first studio I saw as we walked into the back rooms. I honestly had no idea what we were going to do, but as soon as I sat on the throne and looked out at the amazing sight in front of me; the beautiful, shiny cymbals, the snare, the toms that looked aged, but in a good way; like they had been played and loved and used for a long time. The way everything felt. It was magical. Then, my teacher just started showing me stuff. I guess he was getting a feel for what I was already capable of, to what I could do. He showed me a couple of basic things, and then I mimicked him. It wasn’t too difficult, although at that time stick control and posture was a problem for me, because I had no clue what I was doing at first. Still, I did things. The moment I started playing, I felt like I was in control. Of all the things in my life, this moment was mine. This moment was all mine and I was the one controlling every slight movement and sound. I was still pretty nervous and not sure if I was doing things exactly right, but I just kept practicing after that. Because the moment I left the store that day, I was high. I promise you, I wasn’t on drugs, nobody had slipped me anything weird, I was just high off of this feeling; this beautiful, indescribable feeling that I had never felt in my entire life; that I can’t even express fully in words because it’s just this electrifying feeling that happens and surges all throughout your body; pulses like a beat everywhere all over; gives you goosebumps; makes you feel alive. That’s what I felt. I was alive; alive like I’d never been before. Now, at that point in time, I was seeing the world in a completely different way. Different than any other way I had seen it before.

Never in my life have I experienced a feeling so strong. Not even with my attempts at learning guitar when I was younger; not even with singing, even though singing is one of my favorite passions. No, drumming did it for me. Drumming was changing my life in more ways than I even knew and I didn’t even realize it at the time. I didn’t realize that this one even was one that would change my entire life.

Part 2: Changes

So you’re wondering at this point, what were those changes? What things in my life did change and how did I get through the changes? Well, when I first started drumming, I began to see how this passion of mine was going to take a lot of my time; hours and hours of my time. My husband at the time was not happy about it. More than anything else, he wanted me to get rid of my hobby and stop taking lessons. I can’t tell you how much that hurt me. How much it cut deep into a wound that was already open from years of problems my husband and I had weathered in our marriage. This was the icing on the cake at this point.

The best and worst day of my life was the day I bought my first drum kit, which was around February. I wasn’t 100% sure I was even going to buy the kit on that day, but somehow, it just happened. Once I sat in front of the kits, playing each one, listening to what I liked and didn’t like about the sound, I finally came across one that was just deep and powerful to me. It was a nice, shiny new PDP MainStage kit. I loved the deep, lower vibrational sounds that echoed from the bass drums and toms as I played a basic beat on it for the first time. I wasn’t mesmerized by the way the toms spoke to me when I was playing them. I didn’t want to get up, I just wanted to sit there and play them all day. Well, I went home with my drums that day, and when I left the store, I was the happiest woman in the world. I felt like nothing could stop me; I was free, I was alive. I finally felt like my dreams were coming true. It was the best day of my entire life.

But, it was also the worst day of my life as well. It was the exact same day that I really felt the shift, the end of one thing and the start of something else. I could feel my husband and I’s relationship slipping away for other reasons, but this incident just confirmed how much farther apart we had grown with age. As I was driving home, I couldn’t hold in my excitement; I wanted to call someone and share the good news. Of course, I immediately called my husband. I don’t think I ever believed that when I called him that he’d actually respond the way I wanted. That he would be happy for me and proud of me and all that. I kind of sensed it was a bad idea to call him, but I did anyway.

The first thing he started to do was shame me for buying the drums, yelling any me and explaining that he didn’t want them in the house, saying all these nasty things to me which I’m not going to repeat here. I just started crying. I hung up the phone with him, turned off the music I was playing, and drove all the way home in silence with my drums, crying. When I got home, my ex husband gave me a half-assed apology, but that frustration and anger he had for everything that made me happy never ceased. He was annoyed by my passions; he didn’t understand them. And on top of all the other problems we had, that was the moment I realized that I was living with a complete stranger at this point. Not the person I knew in college, not the person I married, but someone else, someone who had grown far away from me in every aspect of my life. We were like roomates. I continued to live this way for several months until one day I just couldn’t take it anymore, and we separated. I was tired of living the way I was, of being depressed all the time; of feeling cut off from all of the things and people that I loved, of feeling like I would never have anyone to share these things with that meant so much to me, of always having to be the strong person that takes care of everything. It was a toxic relationship; a relationship that had been built on dependency since we were 18 years old, and I was ready to fly away. I was done.

I spent a lot of my time in those months before our separation drumming and thinking. Drumming was my escape, my way to just block everything else out, but it did more than that for me; it helped me focus; it helped me really think about what I wanted in life. Drumming made me realize that I can be strong and that I deserve to go out into the world and seek my happiness. I spent hours in my “office”, my drum room, playing my bongos, playing my drums, practicing over and over again. The best feeling in the world was the feeling of amazement when I actually learned a whole song or did something perfectly, like all the hard work was paying off. And like I said before, this moment was mine. The one thing in the world that I could call my own, more than my writing and singing, this took determination, motivation, and strength. The will to continue on in the face of all my mistakes; the confidence to continue even when I felt like I sucked. I just kept moving, kept going, kept telling myself “you can do this”. And I did. I continually impressed myself with my ability to learn new things quickly. It was the best feeling in the world, and still is the best feeling in the world for me.

Through all of that, I started realizing that I wanted to make my own music again. Making music has always been a dream and passion of mine, but in the past, I had always thought I wasn’t good enough, or that everything I did sucked. Somehow, in the months shortly before I made the biggest decision of my life (getting a divorce), I started making music again. I was motivated, inspired. I started a YouTube channel where I posted me playing the drums, talking about drums, and posting some of my songs. And I did that for me. It’s never been about being “famous” or “noticed”, it’s more about sharing my passions with the world. And whether or not anyone notices is nothing to me. The only thing that matters is my determination and will to keep moving forward, to continue my journey with drumming and music and keep pushing on, keep pushing myself.

One of the most difficult things about it that I continue to struggle with but I keep working on is my shyness. Sometimes, I would hold myself back instead of continuing to be bold and move forward, but now that I am on my own, I’m thinking about that, about all of the opportunities in front of me, of how to be brave, strong, and do those things because I want to, for me. Because I know once I achieve my goals, face my fears, nothing will be able to stop me. I want to travel. I want to immerse myself in this musical community and feel the freedom and joy and passion. I want to travel the world and see the beauty of everything. I want that. I want that life. As much as I told myself that would never be my life, I want it. And someday, I’m hoping to accomplish that.

I guess the one thing that makes me a little more upset is the fact that I’m 29 now, and I’m not ready to have kids, I know that, I’ve accepted that. And now even more so, I’m not sure when and if that will ever happen. I want to be a mom, I want to find someone who loves me and appreciates me and WANTS to have a family with me. Family is very important to me. But there are so many things left on my bucket list before that; I want to see the world. And I don’t want to do it alone. I want to share that joy and happiness with someone else.

I guess the hardest part about that lifestyle is the fact that I’m a teacher, I work most of the year, except for in the summertime. But I keep telling myself, everything will fall into place, one day. One day, Anne Marie, you will figure things out. One day, you will be the happiest woman alive, and maybe one day, you will share that moment with someone else, and it will be the most beautiful moment of your life.

But here I am getting sidetracked from what I was really meaning to talk about; was it drumming? Or was it life? Drumming is a central point in my life now. There’s no way to not have these feelings and talk about these things things and not thank drumming for helping me find my way. Drumming is life.

Part 3: What Drumming Has Taught Me

In the previous section, I talked a little bit about what drumming has taught me, but I wanted to take a moment to discuss that on a deeper level, because I think it’s worth talking about. There are many skills that you develop as you continue your journey with drumming, a lot of skills that people don’t even think about, and honestly, skills that some drummers don’t realize they are developing as time goes on.

I am a very reflective and emotional person, so all of these things I observe as I continually practice and improve. The most obvious of thewe things is your fine motor skills. You become more aware of everything around you, slight movements, the way you can use your limbs to control a situation. It takes a lot of effort on the left side of your brain. I am naturally right brained, so anything “logical” or the like is a known weakness of mine. I’m not going to say that after learning how to drum that I am now the an expert on logic, but I do feel like I have a little more clarity with that side of my thinking; that maybe I am a little more logical, and maybe I am thinking about things, be it drumming or anything else, in a more logical way.

I think the biggest things that have impacted me in drumming, however, are the emotional traits that I have built upon as I have continued my journey. Like I said, I am a very emotional person from the get-go, but drumming as only given me even more emotional strength than I even know what to do with sometimes except for go to my kit and let everything out. A lot of people talk about drumming as therapy, and that’s absolutely right! When you are down, upset, angry, nothing beats going to your kit and letting those emotions out. By doing that, you are also turning this situation into a positive instead of negative. By the end of that, you are feeling more clear-headed, less likely to just “snap” or lash out, because you have dealt with the problem, for the moment. You’ve thought about it, you’ve processed it, and in that time, you’ve played a pretty sweet groove. Emotional strength is definitely a big part of how drumming has helped me work out a lot of problems, be it depression, or any other emotional problems that I was dealing with at the time.

I want to talk a little bit more about those specific traits that have led to that emotional strength. One of them is resilience; I have always had this way about me, where I am able to bounce back from troubling situations, and year after year, I find myself strengthening that trait and becoming more resilient as I age. Drumming has only increased that quality in me. As you know from previous mention, I am a teacher, and you have to have a lot of resilience in order to continue your job from day to day. Early on in my career, I remember struggling with this; going home and crying and thinking I wasn’t going to make it through. As I got older though, I was able to become better at this skill and continue to improve it. Especially this year in particular. This year at school, which is my 6th year of teaching, has been one of the hardest years of my entire career. I have dealt with emotional stress from co-workers, students, family, and had to hold myself in one piece the entire time. A lot of that was coming home after work and going into my “office” to drum. It made me feel better, I found myself talking in my head and saying “you’ve got this, tomorrow will be a better day.“ Not only that, but as I was drumming, I would think of ways to handle some of the tough situations in the workplace that I didn’t know how to deal with, and somehow in that span of time practicing every afternoon, it helped me really think about and figure things out. So, resilience was a really big one for me.

Another trait I have always been strong in but that drumming has made me even stronger at is versatility. In my career, I’ve learned to be very versatile. I have learned to always have a “bag of tricks” just in case the lesson plan didn’t go as well as I thought, or even being prepared to change the lesson up halfway through because a better idea came along. The same mentality is something you must be good at with drumming, especially if you are performing with a band. Sometimes, you play things differently because something just clicks, something works better. Honestly, I don’t think I ever play songs the exact same way when I play them. You have to be willing to change things up, go with the flow. You have to be willing to let the music take you places you have never gone before, and, most importantly, you have to be willing to take risks, even if you mess up. I have always been a risk-taker, and I am the kind of person that just likes to try different things out. So, versatility has always been my strong point, and I love that drumming depends a lot upon that versatility and how to “go with the flow”.

Passion is another one. I am a very passionate person, and I have many passions. I know the many ways that I express myself with passion which includes singing, making art, and writing. When I found drumming, or rather, when drumming found me, I found a new way to express my passion. A way that made me feel different than any other form of self-expression. I love and I enjoy the way you can put passion into your playing, and that’s a very important and big thing about being a drummer. If you don’t put passion into what you are doing, if you don’t give it your all and make it fun and worth listening to, people become bored very easily. I don’t want to be that kind of drummer; I want to be the kind that plays with love and passion, and that you can hear it in the way I play. I think every drummer sounds different, they have their own style, their own way of approaching the kit. I absolutely love listening to my friends play because I can feel their “signature” shining through as I listen. My drum teacher always told me that every drummer has their “signature”. It’s like the way they play, or the little things that they usually always add to something to make it unique, and different, and just, their own. If you’ve never listened, really listened, to a drummer play and picked up on their “signature”, I urge you to do so. When you feel someone’s rhythm, deep within you, it is one of the most beautiful things on this earth.

Strength, perseverance, determination, and motivation are probably the last and biggest pieces of what drumming has taught me as I have continued my journey to self-discovery through drumming. I feel like all of these things go hand in hand. In drumming, I found a strength that I didn’t know I had. I realized that if I put my mind to it and really stuck with what I was doing, I could do anything, and I was determined to do so. I feel motivated and inspired by all of the wonderful people around me who keep me going from day to day, just by doing great things and pushing me forward. During a time when I am struggling with a lot of other things in my life, someone giving me that extra push is exactly what I need. I need people around me who are going to push me to be the best I want to be, even if I get scared by that sometimes. I think I have spent a lot of time in my own little comfort zone in life. Taking drum lessons was me pushing myself out of my comfort zone, and instead of feeling scared and alone and uncomfortable, drumming had become my home, my strength, my love, my passion. It’s wonderful how life can take us on these journeys. How one thing can open up a new world of emotional strength to a person; how it can make someone so happy and thankful for everything they have, and instead of looking back and regretting past decisions, going forward and moving forward with strength and dignity and confidence, without ever looking back.

I’ve been doing a lot of personal reflection lately, thinking about everything that has happened over the past year in my life; the struggles I’ve been through in so many areas in my life, and I figured something out. Through all of those ups and downs, the one thing that stuck with me was drumming. When I was feeling empty inside, when I was feeling lonely, when I felt like no one really understood what I felt, drumming was there for me. I knew it would never leave me, or hurt me, or bring me down. I think I always knew from the very beginning that this would be a forever thing. That the moment I got behind the kit, I made a commitment to this that could never be broken. It’s the one thing that has gotten me through sleepless nights filled with anxiety and depression, and instead of completely letting myself go instead of choosing to live in the darkness and hurt myself, I chose drumming. Whenever I felt that, I would just go in my “office” and I played for hours and hours and hours. I played until I could feel the pain melting away. Somewhere in that, somewhere in the movements and the motions, somewhere in the beat, I felt alive again. I felt happiness and joy, love, spirituality, peace. I feel it every time I get behind a kit. Other people look at it as a hobby, but to me, it is so much more important than anything in my life; it is everything. Playing freed me; it lifted my soul; it gave me the courage to stand up and face everything head on, without the fear of falling apart. Because of drumming, I have become a brave woman who is much stronger than before. My passion became my journey; and the journey never ends. My journey isn’t over yet; it’s just beginning. I have managed to enter a new phase of my life in one piece, and that’s an accomplishment, especially for me.