My Inner Child & Her Shadow

Who is my hero you ask? I have always loved a good challenge and upon further reading to realize the many memories and individuals that could pass through my head. That is just it though.

Many people have asked me in my life, who do you look up to Christie? Who do you see yourself as embodying Christie?

The short answer is, I have never once been able to answer that because my answer was to complex to understand.

The long answer, you see I am just another normal southern gal in my mid 30s, just a marching to my own drum while attempting to figure out life. Okay, so the truth is, I am a very different being. I like to call it a unicorn of sorts. I am the type that brings enlightenment and truth without saying a word and sometimes truth is already unrolling the proverbial carpet as I walk up to everywhere I intend to go.

My presence has a unique way of pulling the truth of life out of anything or any situation without doing a thing. I know, it does seem super exciting, kind of like the movie Lucy with Scarlett Johansson. Unfortunately, It is more like Jesus carrying his cross and suffering on that sucker actually.

Understanding humility is a learned skill and a must to find your authentic self. I will admit that both above stated descriptions could be pushing on the edge of too much. However, I envelope a keen imagination and discernment, that is likely not too far off if we were going with how it felt to live through. At either rate, humility, hate, love, envy, patronization, lack of self-esteem due to being incredibly TOO competent at absolutely everything and no one understanding my iron clad sheild of protection, was a recipe for disaster and self-sabotage while I accepted many years of extreme discontent and sadness, all because of fear.

The only hero I could imagine, was facing the ugliest, darkest part of my being as well as the most delicate and loving part in order to bring my own guard down to understand who that person truly was and is still to this very day. To face the part of your soul that has been ridiculed, dimished, criticized and shunned as a menace to society is a courageous feat. You are not going in without a really good fight or a story about how you will remain unhealed keeping you from your ultimate fulfillment and highest potential until you do.

I am not perfect nor do I want or claim to be (just too competent because I did not feel I was good enough). I will however be authentically myself so I can help the world do the same.

I want to tell my inner child many amazing things. Though, I do not have to say anything at all. When you heal all of your untouched repressed parts of your being that you do not think or feel is good enough because of natural societal conditioning and the expectations of our parents, friends, lovers and whomever else is your ultimate liberation. When you finally face it, accept it and welcome it will open and healing arms, your inner child and your adult self are blended perfectly, just as it was meant.

For a person's shadow to be their hero, well, I will allow that to speak for itself. Right now, she is my hero. That hero, that 11 year old girl who was a middle child and parents just getting a divorce while fighting over you every night about what to tell me, that girl saved my life in more ways than a person can truly fathom. For that, I am eternally grateful. I hope you enjoyed this piece of the darker aspect of me. Thank you for reading this and allowing me to have the space to express that freely.

With Gratitude,

Christie Tufts

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