My Body Became A Liability

I hopped on my bike and started riding. The day was warm and the sunlight broke through the trees with majesty. My bike isn’t fancy, but I love my beat up silver Specialized. I always wear my helmet for safety, but now I add my facemask. It’s Massachusetts’s law to wear it outside and I wear it like a “chin-diaper” pulling it up over my nose when passing folks either on a bike or people walking on the path. I love the power I feel in my legs, pedaling my body through space on this bike. It is at once, exhilarating. My body tingles with sheer joy.

As an adult, I was always pretty active, but also always overweight, even as a kid. In January 2020 I broke my toe. I was on a trip, attending a jazz conference in New York City. I lucked out and my hotel room overlooked the main windows and Plaza at Lincoln Center. I loved that room, except maybe when I banged my toe against the corner of the wooden bed frame. I dislocated it and broke it. It took 6 weeks to heal.

The broken toe made it hard for me to get around and then, the pandemic hit! March 16, 2020 was my last day in the office. From that day on, like millions of people around the country, I began working from home. Thinking this was a temporary situation; I set up my computer in my living room, which is right next to the kitchen. Snacking was nonstop. Before I knew it, I had gained 25 pounds! My body became a liability. Just walking up the stairs or around the house put me out of breath. My feet were swollen and when I slept, my knees pounded from the stress of the added weight. One morning, I looked out my window and said no more.

My husband is very spiritual and every morning, he lights a candle, listens to motivational videos, writes in his journal and meditates. I don’t know when he started his routine, but slowly it became a daily practice that I admire. A simple task, just taking the time for prayer, mediation and thanksgiving was his answer. I pondered him and thought about the things I needed in my life at this time. He is a front line worker and was still going to work every day. He was dealing with people and the virus, every day. But me, I was home almost all day, sitting in front of my computer and watching TV until late at night; usually the national news which didn’t help my psyche really at all. The virus was spreading and there was much politicking going on. Occasionally, like many others, I’d head out to the supermarket, avoiding people, awkwardly meeting peoples’ eyes above their masks and then darting away, looking down at my feet and moving on. I was having trouble going to sleep, forgetting what day it was as the weeks slipped by. Was this to be my life? I felt out of control. Not dramatically, but quietly and almost unnoticing, as time just kept slipping away. I felt the depression seeping into my psyche. I had been there before. I didn’t like it, but with everything going on, how was I to avoid it this time?

That same day when I looked out of my window, with my husband’s meditation videos playing in the background, I decided to make a change. Something simple, I thought, that I could sustain, with positive results. What was I trying to work on: my weight, my well being, my mental state. I needed to get my body moving, and maybe my mind would follow. It seemed too simple to be true, but I started doing an easy seven-minute warm up at home, and then taking a 35-minute walk every day. I started by walking around the local mall. It was closed because of Covid-19, so it was mostly secluded. And at the rear of the mall was a whole ecosphere of animals and plants-- hawks and other birds, frogs, snakes and rabbits. By July, the rabbits were breeding and the momma and baby rabbits were my new friends. I saw a baby rabbit the size of a small mouse. Seeing them every day just helped fuel my daily walking practice. I found other places to walk also: a path along the Connecticut River, a dirt-and-gravel course at the University. It didn’t matter that there were people there. It was great to see other people, who were also out enjoying nature. I also found a walking path close to my home, along a farmer’s field that was alongside some of the houses in the neighborhood. An elderly friend of mine, her house faces this path and one day, I saw her looking out at me. I waved and her face lit up with joy. I suspected because of her age, and the fact that she lives alone, that she was even more isolated than I was. From that day on, I made a point to check in on her, sometimes calling her when I knew I would be passing by her window.

And of course, the walks led to other better health practices. I lowered my carb intake, reduced junk food and bad snacking. I lost 40 pounds in 5 months. My lungs felt clear, my knees stopped throbbing, and my walks became easier. I walked faster and longer. My body yearned the activity. Every morning I dressed for my walk. And I sometimes joined my husband in his daily meditation practice. I found my own mediation videos and play them each day while I do my seven-minute warm up. Today, I closed my eyes and calmed my spirit to the sounds of old Gregorian chants. For some reason it soothed me, and strengthened me at the same time. Like my summer bike rides, I felt joy in my body and in my heart. I am transformed. The sun is filtering through the trees on me, and the wind is brushing against my face. I say “hello” to the occasional passerby, and I notice the animals on the path. All this fuels my increased connection to myself, to people, to nature, to God and the Universe. That’s what has helped me so far. And in 2021, my resolution is to continue on this path to wholesome well being. I continually revisit, evaluate and add new things to my routine to keep myself on track. I seek out help and support from family. I call my friends and I check in on my elderly neighbor. Winter makes it hard to walk outside, so I started going to the gym and walking on the treadmill. If I can’t work out, I always do something active, like my seven-minute workout at home. I realize that even small simple things can make a big difference. (The seven-minute workout has toned my stomach and legs in just a few months!)

So when that feeling of lack of control, doubt or fear resurfaces, I know I have an outlet, a solution that is now a part of me that connects my mind, body and spirit. I am confident it will last through the whole year. Every day I admire my husband’s meditation practice and every day, I take a walk.