Moving On

For anyone who has ever endured the experience of having their heart broken, off the back of a relationship break up, they would be well aware of the intense emotional pain that comes with it. For me personally, I've experienced it three times throughout my adult life, and two of those three being from a marital split. I'd like to say that both of the marriage break ups are now well and truly behind me, but sadly, one of these only took place a few months ago. The two times I had my heart broken previously were bad enough, but this time around, it has hit me big time emotionally. It was very sudden, and it was also unexpected, so after the initial shock of what had just transpired, that's when the devastation of the reality set in for me. In the six weeks that followed, I think I can only recall two days in which I wasn't in tears at some point. The emotional pain that I went through was indescribable, and no physical or mental pain that I have experienced in my life, has ever come close to it. I was actually wailing in pain on my bed on a couple of occasions, I was that emotionally distraught. What's worse is that it also retriggered my depression, just when I was starting to make some inroads mentally in my life. It has undoubtedly been the toughest period of my entire life, and sadly, there is many other issues going on behind the scene, that is further compounding this emotional pain and depression. I don't want sympathy or attention, nor do I want to sound like a victim, because sometimes in life, we need to go through some bottom of the barrel lows, and extreme adversities, in order to grow and become mentally stronger. One thing I come to understand, over these past few years I have invested in personal development and mindset training, is that you can't waste energy and focus on something you can't control. The relationship with my former wife is over, and sadly, beyond repair, and I can't change her feelings. It is something I have accepted, and despite the amount of hurt, pain, and suffering I have gone through these past three months, I have accepted the fact that I simply need to move on, for my own health, happiness, well-being, and future.

Going from having your heart broken to simply just moving on isn't that simple, hey? The longer the relationship you have had with someone, the harder it generally is to move on, and that's natural. Having had this person by your side for numerous years, someone who was basically your best friend, with whom you shared so many wonderful memories, intimate moments, and special occasions, together, it's extremely hard to just switch off your feelings and emotions, and get on with life. Your left with this total emptiness inside, similar to the experience we feel with the death of a loved one, just on a slightly lesser scale. The reality is, there is a part of our life that dies, because we held this particular person close to our heart for such a lengthy period of time, only to have them turn around and tell us they are no longer in love with us, so we are left to basically bury this relationship we treasured so. One day we are picturing all the wonderful experiences and adventures we could do together as a couple in the future, and the next day, they become nothing but shattered dreams. Speaking as someone who has now experienced this hurt and pain from two marriage break ups, I think what hurts the most is reflecting on the vows that were made on each of the wedding days. Vows are commitments, they are promises made in front of friends and family, so when our partner walks out on us, purely because they are not happy, or when they are unfaithful, or when they have failed to live up to those commitments made, those vows become nothing more than lies. We all know the feelings and emotions generated from when someone lies to us, after all. So with a marital split, that feeling of losing someone to whom we committed our life and future to, someone we believed we would always have by our side, someone who we did everything for, someone who we made sacrifices for, and someone who we were so devoted to and loved with all our heart, it creates such an internal pain that takes substantial time to heal. A lot of people fail to give themselves that time to heal, and dive very quickly into a new relationship, believing that it would help them, but it rarely does. Some do it purely out of spite to make their ex jealous, often finding that it ends up backfiring on them.

Following the break up from a marriage or relationship breakdown, we first need to allow our mind to respond naturally. It's like the grieving process following the death of a loved one, so naturally we are going to feel hurt, we are going to feel upset, we are going to experience sadness, we are going to cry, and all this is okay. We've suddenly lost someone dear to our heart who won't play the role in our life that we envisioned, so we need to release those emotions. Next, as I mentioned above, we need to allow ourselves time to heal. We often find that once we pass through those initial stages of sadness and hurt, we can easily become bitter, angry, and resentful. Perhaps we feel that because they hurt us, we need to hurt them in return, but it never solves anything. For other people though, it's a completely different set of emotions they begin to feel. Some feel regret, or anger towards themselves for not having been a good enough husband, wife, or partner. Some start to feel guilty about what transpired, and blame themselves. Some just go on continuing to live in hope that the relationship can be repaired. Some transition from the unhappiness of the situation, into a state of depression. We all respond in different ways, and we all go through a range of various emotions at different times. Such is what a significant time in our life manufactures. I've said it time and time again, and it applies to all aspects of our life, but we can only control what we can control. If there's anything that we cannot change, correct, or influence, then why waste time, money, and energy on it? Now as any dedicated partner would do, they would ultimately fight to save their marriage or relationship, and they would look at options to reconcile, but when someone has made up their mind to part ways and they remain steadfast in the decision, it becomes out of our control. We can't force someone to take us back or fall in love with us again, it's out of our control. Therefore, we need to redirect our focus on to something we can control.

Responding in anger, resentment, hatred, and bitterness, only worsens the situation, and we are only making life harder on ourselves in doing so. If we also start living with regret, guilt, or in hope that they will come back to us, we are actually imprisoning ourselves to the hurt and pain of the break up. We are denying ourselves the opportunity to move on, to find new happiness, and to live a quality and productive life. Initially, it's understandable to feel sad and upset, but following that initial period of sadness, many of us fail to see the opportunities that come with a break up. We have the opportunity to focus on pursuing the goals we desire in life, without any need to compromise. We can focus entirely on ourselves, instead of constantly trying to please a partner. We have the freedom to do what we want in life, and not have to answer for it. We can design a lifestyle that is suited to us personally, rather than having to compromise as a couple. Too often we see our future without that former partner like we do with storm clouds, picturing nothing but rain and thunder ahead. We focus on this so intensely that we completely forget that following a storm, quite often a beautiful rainbow appears. Sometimes, the person that we believed was the best thing we ever had, yet lost, ends up becoming someone that doesn't even compare to how amazing, loving, and wonderful, the partner is whom we end up meeting in the future. If you have ever watched the "Sound Of Music", think to the part where Maria talks to Liesl in the garden, after Liesl realizes that her relationship with Rolf is done and dusted. Maria gives simple, but truthful advice, being that you cry a little, then you wait for the sun to come up, as it always does. Absolutely it does, and there is sunshine on everyone's horizon, but it's up to each individual to wait for that sunshine, rather than keeping themselves as a prisoner to hurt, sadness, pain, guilt, and regret.

Don't do it to yourself, because your life is a novel, and all that's taken place is that a chapter has concluded. You've still got many exciting chapters to write in your life's novel, and the beauty of this is that you can write it as to how you please. The future is totally in your hands, but it simply cannot be an awesome one if you continually hold on to your past. It takes courage, it takes strength, and it takes willpower, but you must move on! Everything happens for a reason, and your relationship break up has presented you with a unique opportunity possibly to find your purpose in life, and even the opportunity that life is perhaps leading you to something and someone far better. So allow yourself the opportunity to release the sadness, hurt, and pain, you feel from the relationship break up, but do yourself a favor by start focusing on what you now can control, start focusing on achieving your goals, and start focusing on creating the best future for yourself. Don't become a prisoner to the past or to pain! The time has come for you to start moving on!

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