Mean not to

But I Didn't Mean To

When I was a kid my favorite phrase was, “I didn’t mean to”. Whether dropping food to the floor with a carelessly slanted plate or making someone cry with a thoughtless comment.

“I didn’t do it on purpose! Geez! Sorry!”

I’d say in my defense. If it wasn’t intentional what right did anyone have to be upset? After all, I did say sorry.

My father would note my scene of destruction and abate my pleas.

“Mean not to.” he’d always say.

“What? Didn’t you hear me?! It was an accident.” I’d cry incredulously.

“I understand you didn’t mean to, Jordan. Mean not to.”

Years later I stood before someone that had just crushed my spirit with the words they’d chosen. After expressing my distress they sighed exasperatedly.

“I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry your feelings are hurt.” They told me.

“Um, it’s okay.” I stammered.

I didn’t know how to respond. Were they apologizing? It didn’t feel like it. Then again, they did say they were sorry. I also believed it wasn’t intentional. Was it my fault my feelings got hurt? I decided to let it go.

As time went on I found myself both giving and receiving similar “apologies” rather often. It seemed almost every day I’d hear the words, “I didn’t mean to.”

One day after yet another mistake I’d made, long-ago conversations with my father swirled in my head.

“I know you didn’t mean to. Mean not to.”

What exactly does that mean? At the time I thought he was being dismissive. I didn’t think he was listening.

Suddenly it made sense. In an instant, I realized I had it backward.

I had made a mistake. I had done something wrong. Instead of taking ownership of what I'd done, I avoided blame. Rather than genuinely apologizing, I spat out a hastened sorry. I didn't even say I'd change my behavior.

Of course, I did feel bad. I was sorry. I honestly didn’t mean to.

I also wasn’t being intentional about my actions and I made a mistake. I didn't "mean not to".

The Philosophy of Mean Not To:

Be mindful in all actions. Take specific intentional steps to ensure the desired outcome. Go out of your way not to drop the plate. Go out of your way to be thoughtful and compassionate in your conversations.

Learn from your mistakes.

No one is perfect. You won’t be mindful at all times. When you do make a mistake, assess what happened and why. Take responsibility for your part. Make a plan to avoid that in the future.

Make genuine intentional apologies. You made a mistake. You broke your roommate’s favorite coffee mug, or you lied. Maybe you said something to or about someone that was offensive or hurtful. It happens. Now make it right.

The Anatomy of an Apology

Say out loud what you did wrong. Don’t try to qualify it. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings about the situation. Say you’re sorry. Verbally express your plan to correct the situation and avoid it in the future.

Here’s an example of an apology that is intentional and considerate.

“Oh my gosh! I just broke your mug. I know how much this mug meant to you. I’m so sorry. Can I get you another one like it? In the future, I’ll try my best to be more careful with your things.”

Be ready for the other person to not accept your apology. Apologizing isn’t about receiving forgiveness or absolution. It’s about intentionally taking steps to make things right. That can take time.

Follow through. Once you’ve made a plan to avoid that mistake in the future, do your best to follow through. Mean not to. Act with intent.

That’s it. Lather, rinse, repeat.

What Now?

Since I realized what my father was saying all those years ago, my life has changed dramatically.

Don’t get me wrong. I often find myself falling into old habits. I still make plenty of mistakes. I can downright throw a tantrum sometimes. I’m pretty sure I have a world record for pettiness.

When it’s all over though, I have this philosophy I learned from my Dad. I can realize my mistake. I can apologize. I can mean not to the next time around. I have stronger relationships. I am taking others into account. I'm moving on from my mistakes.