Life, Love and Loss

She couldn’t understand what was happening. It was all moving too fast. One minute her sister was here, the next, she wasn’t. She couldn’t process it all. It happened. She knows it did. But it’s been three months and it felt like she could walk in, in the physical, at any moment. She felt like every thing that she knew to be true was false and that her mind was playing tricks on her. She turned 31 this past Spring and her sister would have been 24 in the middle of August. She thought ahead to the future as she always did. She racked her brain to find images of her sister in one of the pictures but she was nowhere to be found. She envisioned all the great things to come, as she naturally always had, and those great times were missing a very huge piece of the puzzle, and they hadn’t even happened yet. Shaking her head to clear the coming tears she could feel the anger creeping up. Sitting in her living room, she looked over to her mantle that held the midsized figurine that her uncle had given her before he passed.

He was a boxer. The Raging Bully. He beat everyone he stepped in the ring with. Her family always wondered if his sudden Glioblastoma came about from his days on the mat. Or maybe it was the radio waves from the headphones that he kept in his ears day and night. Her thoughts wondered off to their time together. Days at the gym, evenings at the basketball court. She missed him immensely, but 15 years had now passed and this was a different pain. This was her only sister and someone had taken her life. She swiped her eyes as the crocodile tears began to drop and with the bull coming back into focus, her feelings were one with its being. For the past 3 months she had been relentless in making sure that anyone who should pay, would and did. Her mind drifted back to that day.

There was a drive by shooting and her mother called her frantic and screaming in the phone that her sister had been shot. From that day forward, it was a walking nightmare. Hours of waiting while she was in surgery, finding out that she’s passed, to receiving her bloody clothes. She remembered there being a balloon release with over 300 people and a funeral fit for a princess. She remembered her being carried away in a horse and carriage. She’s been fueled up since. Anyone or anything that came in her path was fair game. She normally kept to herself and bothered no one. She barely went out. But this time, things were different. She was going to be sure to make her presence known in order for her sisters name to live. She wrote the goals down and started knocking them out one by one. In under 3 months she had made a single big change to the community that she wished would have happened before her sweet sisters demise. By now she couldn’t help it. She was sobbing uncontrollably with anger and rage, thinking all of what herself, her family and of what her sisters slew of friends, had lost. She especially thought of her 3 daughters. They loved and looked up to their auntie so much. She cooked with them, baked with them, took them for ice cream and danced with them, very often. Now everything was different. For everyone.

She couldn’t stop crying. She laid down trying to calm her anger that she felt for the world. She’d been bulldozing through the days, people and drivers on the road, for what felt like an eternity. She was tired of being angry, tired of only being able to remember memories. She was tired of losing people that she loved, she was tired of crying. She felt the pain of her sister not coming back as she drifted off. She used to dream all the time. Now sleeping was the only time her mind was blank. She hoped to see her at least in her dreams, even though she stopped dreaming so months ago.

She faded off slowly, hoping her brain wouldn’t turn off this time. Hopefully this would be the night her sister would come to her, as everyone else was saying she did. She wanted to see her so bad. She yearned for her hugs. She wanted to hear her calming tone just once more. She needed it. She just wanted to feel the slightest touch of her next to her. Before long she was calmed and out like a light.

The next thing she knew she was up and stretching. She loved falling asleep on her couch. It was beyond comfy. Her sister, herself and the girls enjoyed many movie nights on that thing. As she stretched, her arm knocked into something and it wasn’t before she looked up that she noticed it was a someone. Her heart almost stopped instantly as she again began to cry uncontrollably. It was her uncle sitting right at her feet. She leapt towards him with all of her strength, landed on his chest and hugged him tight. He looked so young and handsome, exactly like his 24 year old son he left with them. A splitting image. He didn’t look like he did before the steroids took over his body and he wasn’t able to do much for himself anymore. He looked like when they used to take those long bus rides to the gym and she would go downstairs after a hard workout and eat a slice of pizza while waiting for him to finish. She looked up at him and he dried her face. All she could say was, “I missed you so much.” He responded to her with, “I’ve missed you more. I see what your days are like. I’ve seen the pain grow in your heart over the years from the many different losses, from friends to family. I’ve watched you and longed to come to you. You remember seeing me spar, so you know what you have in you. You have been a fighter your whole life. Just keep fighting and don’t let the anger overtake you. Don’t let the pain overtake your joy and block the many blessings that are still in your path. Keep hope and faith and know that you have many angels watching over your every footstep. There’s no true way to let go of the past, but there is, and will always be, a way to brighten the future. Your sister tells me how much you meant to each other and how close you’ve grown over the years. I was so happy to see how beautiful you’ve both had grown, but when you both pained, I pained. The daughters of my oldest sister. The one who cared for me. The way you cared for her. Remember the best of times.”

Just then there was a slight tap on the door. He stood up without saying a word, walked over and opened it. He looked back and nodded his head at her and began to walk out as her sister walked in. Her heart almost stopped right then. She was overwhelmed and in disbelief, and before she could move her sister jolted over and jumped on top of her, squeezing her to no avail. Only this time, it was her sister who cried. She was in so much shock all she could do was breathe in her sisters scent like it was a breathe of fresh air and squeeze her right back. Her baby sister meant the world to her. Her first baby before her babies. Her first best friend to love and cherish. Her second room mate and her only womb- mate. She felt like she was the one in heaven as she held her even tighter, scared to let her go; scared she’d disappear again. They slowly peeled back from each other and held tightly to one another’s hands. She dried her sisters face. Her sister was always so strong in front of everyone else but was never scared to show her big sister her weaknesses. Because she knew she’d love her regardless. Unconditionally and without a doubt.

They stared at each other for a brief second and her sister began to say, “Sorry...” before she stopped her. “You have nothing to be sorry for. God uses us all, and you were so perfect that it didn’t take you too long to fulfill your purpose. It was written and I just didn’t know. I wasn’t prepared. Mentally, emotionally, physically. It’s been debilitating as ever. But I don’t have to worry about you getting hurt anymore as I once did. It wasn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong. There are just some very evil people in this world.” Her sister stopped her and told her how much she missed her, and how much it pains her to watch her in so much pain. “I love you so much. I’m all you had, we’re all Ma had. Take care of her for me. She tries to play strong but moms heart scares me. And you’re stronger than you think. You got this. Don’t let the negative thoughts overtake you. Remember what you taught me about the universe and what you put out that gets returned to you. Keep it positive and about abundance. You know the plans we had for our future. Keep it going. For me.”

She felt a single tear roll down her cheek as she held onto her sisters hands. She felt the same, she sounded the same, she looked the same. She was so young and innocent. She suddenly felt a different peace come over, because she knew God. She knew her sister wasn’t there to stay. She had spoken so wisely for her youth and normally playful nature. She thought to herself, as she stared at her sisters young, great beauty; she was truly heaven sent. They let go hands and leaned into each other laying their heads on each other’s shoulder and holding as tightly and softly as they could, not wanting to let the other go. She closed her eyes as tears dropped down her face and onto her pillow.

She rolled over and wiped her face as the new day’s sun began to peak through her living room blinds. She sat up slowly and looked around. Her mind didn’t seem as jumbled as it did most mornings for the past 3 months. Her girls would be home soon and as far as they knew from their FaceTime calls, she had kept it together all weekend. She looked around again at the bit of tidying she had to do before they arrived from grandmas. She stood up and right in front of her was the blown up head shot of her beautiful little sister. She kissed her hand and put her hand to the left cheek on the picture. After whispering a low, “Thank You” and “I love you”, she carried about her Sunday, preparing for the week.