Let's Try This Again

I've been here so many times before. I couldn't tell you how many, just that it has always come with a hope that this would stick. Maybe this time I would keep it going, start writing, and never stop. I can't quite put my finger on what it was specifically that gave me this idea that if I start, I must keep going, or it wouldn't have been worth anything at all. Consistency, though, has never been my strong suit, especially as someone with raging ADHD, anxiety, and obviously depression from trying to live like every other "normal brain" person.

The thing is, when you are neurodivergent, idolizing the people who just get success by trying again and again and eventually succeeding, consistency is your only goal. Then it becomes attached to your worth, and somehow you end up here once again, trying something you really don't think will work out for you. Because it's just not that easy for you, putting a goal in your mind and pushing yourself to do something constantly, but as someone with ADHD, that's how I end up hating trying to do it at all.

It's a cycle you see, one that leads me to the same place of feeling like a failure, because I just can't seem to do it and enjoy it like "everyone else" can.

The world is not made for those of us with brains that just have more issues. Consistency should be easy as long as you're trying to keep it up. Burnout doesn't happen unless you're going 24/7, and even then, for some, it's still achievable.

I don't expect much out of myself at this point. I know I have strengths, my creativity being one of them. I'm not quite the best at anything, but more so than ever, I've realized that once I start, it's not a requirement that I keep going.

One of my favorite creators, CoryxKenshin, on YouTube, has been starting and stopping his videos for years, and I've been a fan for almost as long as he's been around, creating things. Yes, there were years where he was just gone, and I wished to see one more video, but I knew that that was just life; he was probably just dealing with other things and would be back eventually.

I don't expect to ever have a loyal base like him, but I have to believe that if I made excuses in my head for why he wasn't around, I could also take a break and not feel less than. Because we are all human, and it is okay to not be creating things 100%, 80% or even 50% of the time. Creating anything is a lot of effort, and I want to become a person who doesn't expect myself to constantly be outperforming everyone else, or even my prior self.

Motivation comes and goes, and I will be here when I can be, because life happens, and I am not writing full-time or even part-time. I will share things when I want to, and maybe one day it will become something more permanent, but I won't feel less than if it never does.

We are human, and we should start acting like it. No one has time, especially in the U.S., to dedicate themselves to a hobby (at this point) for more than a few hours each week, if that.

I hope you can take something from this, that your productivity or your consistency does not correlate to your worth. If you have a hard time being at 100% even half of the time, you are not alone, and it is okay. Your 5% can still mean everything.