"Good afternoon", my grandpa says smiling.
I look at the clock, it says 9am. My mom adds, "Hey, It's the holidays."
I look at all their smiling faces and I feel home. If I could bottle up that feeling, the moments, and share it, I would. I have it saved inside myself, but some how that doesn't seem enough.
Surviving is not harder than the act of dying, but surviving a loved one's death is another form of dying. This year will forever be remembered as the year of death for me. I know some extraordinary developments took place in the world and in the life of our family, as well as my own. However, nothing stands out against the great loss. My mom, my best friend, my hero, died. I watched as she died. I could do nothing, but sit by her side with my family. We all sat there cherishing every moment she could be conscious, until she couldn't. I died at that moment as well, but a different death than hers caused by cancer. If you have not witnessed this first hand trust me, death is not like the movies.
My mom had already lost her parents. Her dog. Then, her future hopes. I couldn't help but think I'm left without all of them too. I wonder if she was feeling similarly. The amount of pain this series of thoughts causes daily is crushing. The weight squashes me by the time night rolls around. These joyous memories, like the simple one in the opening are complicated now. Full of longing, pain and a sadness at the changing times.
On the way to work one day I put on YouTube. A video called 'Sitting with Dogs' came on. A man named Rocky Kanaka sits with dogs to give them comfort, love and his time. He tries to give them worth back. He works with charities and foundations to help these animals. He helps get most of the dogs adopted.
In the specific video I watched he was sitting with a dog named Princess. This dog would just stare at a corner, frozen, trying to disappear. By the end of the video he had picked her up and held her on his lap. Princess had taken some treats and still seemed accepting of love. It has been a long road for Princess, but after the work of some super humans she was adopted and is now living life with a loving family.
In my opinion dogs (or pets like these) are everything right and good in the world. They teach us to never give up. These animals teach that no matter how bad a mental state becomes, trust and love is possible again with genuine trust and love. I am always impressed at the resiliency on display in these videos. The resiliency on both the parts of dogs and the humans helping. The power love can have is incredible. That's the real point. As a woman at the park told me, "Dogs are here for a good time, not a long time". That's true for all of us. No one knows how much time they have. We can't always have all the right things at the right times. We can't have everything we want all the time. We can give and accept love and try to have a good time. The imperfections are what make these relationship unique.
When I think about my time with my mom, my grandparents, my family still here, I know I am lucky. I feel bad for those who don't know this kind of time and love. At least it existed or exists at all. Now I have the opportunity to take what was shared with me and give it to others. The love I show my dog is given back ten fold. I know I can't fall apart because she needs me, she is there for me. I have the power to give her the best life I can. In turn, she holds mine together and gets me through tough times. If these wounded, mistreated, and at times forgotten or abandoned animals can find a reason in this world, surely a person like myself could as well. Surely, all of us can.
In the movie based on the book 'The Storied Life of A.J. Fickery' the daughter says, "It wasn't a happy ending, but it was the end". This was our ending. At least I had something so great to miss. At least her pain was done. I couldn't help but think, at least it was done for her. It was over. We knew she loved us and she knew we loved her. She made all the difference in our lives. Now it is our turn to try to provide that in someway in this world.
Resources
https://images.app.goo.gl/amrcjPp3FLRL4gDh9
https://images.app.goo.gl/kpkH2GK9wSb7hQGx5
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt10643926/
The Storied Life of A. J. Fikry https://a.co/d/fsuugWo
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