Ladies, Stop Playing It Nice.

In our highly opinionated culture of social media blossom, where criticizing became a norm and a pastime, we live life to earn the praise. We show off to impress others, pursue a career widely approved and wanted. Hardly ever do we stop to meditate whether the chase is compatible with our nature.

We, especially women, got skilled at putting masks on. We hide our true selves for fear of being judged.

Since I can remember, I used to play by myself. I used to pick the dress that suit my mood, not my body type. I treasured time on my own.

I loved roaming forests with my grandpa, who came up with tales of haunted and magical places, so we journeyed into the unknown every weekend.

The next thing I remember was acting politely, smiling out of obligation, keeping opinions to myself out of manners. Whenever I wanted space for myself, I kept quiet not to offend others.

Later on, it was inappropriate for a girl to wander around the wilderness, so I started hanging out in my girlfriend’s houses to play with dolls, only to pine for toying with cars at my brothers’.

Little did I know, I was abusing my boundaries.

Hell, I had none.

Being myself seemed like a skill in which I was failing extravagantly.

I have discovered that I was not broken. My interests were not odd. It was the excruciating pain of trying to fit in that made me miserable. I gave up my only power: authenticity.

It takes boldness to embrace your passions when they do not necessarily meet with the approval of others.

The pressure to grow into an attentive and sweet woman is overwhelming.

We shrink ourselves to fit into some whimsical ideas of beauty, conditioned by people’s traumas and self-inflicted limitations. We mingle because individuality makes people uncomfortable, even fearful.

We are afraid to speak our minds for not to offend anybody else. Thinking highly of yourself has become regarded as a disease.

When you look up ‘self-love’, synonyms like egotism, aloofness, vanity, disdain, conceitedness pop up. The way society has programmed us to regard self-love screams of abuse. Can you see how backward our thinking has got?

According to Dr Jeffrey Borenstein, President, and CEO of the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation, self-love is defined as “a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual growth.”

Having high regard for your well-being and happiness leads to putting your needs first before those of others. It means never settling for less than what you deserve.

And ladies, how often do we diminish our self-worth to fit in within the work environment, popular kids at school, or trendsetters?

We are eager to overspend on labels we don’t even find comfortable. We restrain urges so that others can find us kind and humble. Is the opinion of somebody else worth more than our comfort?

I used to hold myself back, not wanting to offend anybody. So I walked on eggshells, afraid to embarrass myself; constantly thinking about what to post on Instagram, not to make a fool of myself.

This never-ending focus on outward appearance left me depleted. I had no energy left for creativity, let alone any room for authenticity. To tell you the truth, there was a time I had no idea what I liked, what I wanted to pursue as my career, who I wanted to date. All those preferences were muted by the buzzing of the crowd I focused too much of my attention upon. The truth is, my family, circle of friends were never a problem. My frantic thinking about people was.

Can you relate?

What is the most attractive feature you can nurture?

Authenticity, of course.

Take a look at famous fictional characters like Luna Lovegood or Phoebe Buffay. People love them, not despite being weird. But because they are uncanny and dare to be themselves.

Another example would be Cardi B. You may not like her. You may not share her ideas and values. But you have to admit: she is fearless when it comes to being herself and not caring what people think. Her authenticity protects her career. When she slips up, she apologizes sincerely. But the crucial point is that she is not afraid to mess up.

The idea of being true to yourself despite the pressure to conform is a hallmark of self-awareness.

How many people are too intimidated by others’ opinions to make a mistake, send out the first draft, express themselves publicly? How many people limit their active engagement in life for fear of being judged?

There are going to be people who do not like you. Get okay with that.

Recently, I had an opportunity to meet with firmly conservative relatives, who have strong opinions about everything and everybody, and do not allow the space for any mistake or mischief, for that matter.

Popular themes overruling our dinner table:

The family gathering was extremely polite and cordial, with every social courtesy being preserved. Finally, the subject I have been dreading for a long time hit me: What are you going to do with your life now you have quit your steady job?

I replied: Well, finally I get to enjoy life.

Are you going to enjoy life so recklessly into infinity? one person asked, drooling with sarcasm.

Yes, that is my intention. I intend to create the life I feel passionate about. I have no obligation to explain my perspectives. I accept you for who you are, and it would be effortless for the whole family to accept me as I am. I have blurted out with glee.

I felt liberated. I felt re-energized like never before.

Do you know why?

Because I have made the space for my authentic self.

I let go of the need to please everybody, so they could feel comfortable around me. Otherwise, it would mean I have to make myself insignificant, for they could feel more powerful and intimidating.

And you cannot serve anyone by making yourself smaller.

You have no responsibility to live up to what other people think you ought to accomplish. I have no responsibility to be like they expect me to be. It is their mistake, not my failing.

— Richard Feynman

Yes, I have studied many books, teachings about the power of your mind. But only the experience truly liberated my potential and faith in myself. Words never teach as experiences do.

Here are my lessons:

Your attitude is everything.

You can approach the moment as a coward, or you can swagger on the arena with pride. The meaning you give to the moment determines your feelings about it, thus the outcome of every battle.

Many of my family members were not happy with my attitude. They would prefer for me to say something just for the sake of keeping the pretence. They thought I was rude.

I can live with that. What I cannot bear is the prospect of hiding my true worth, stifling life-giving energy only to fit in.

It is okay not to be understood.

Get a thicker skin and learn to be comfortable when people do not find you as they wish you to be. You do not have to be the perfect match to their expectations.

I no longer feel the urge to feed my ego with comments on what others are doing, elaborative excuses for my decisions. Admitting to one’s mistakes, weaknesses, temptations is the first step to becoming authentic.

We are already a magnificent puzzle piecing together with room and possibility for everyone. Nobody needs to shrink themselves just for the sake of being a match to somebody else.

Break the habit of your auto programming.

The mind likes labels.

Once people fail to put you in the box, it makes them uncomfortable.

That is why when you speak your truth, others may not like it. It is not about going against society and people who criticize you. But more about finding your authenticity amid chaos. Shine your light, no matter how others react to it. It is impossible to make others happy. They need to work it out by themselves.

I have felt attached to my family's vision of me. Even though the attachment brought me discomfort, I persevered. Once I allowed that identity to crumble, I could feel at ease with my newly found individualism.

Authenticity strengthens your feeling of belonging.

You may not recognize it immediately, yet with time, authenticity will also connect you with many people, even though your views upon the world may go separate ways. You cannot trick energy.

Every time you step out into the world, you show how you want to be treated. When you remain true to your tune of heart, when you show respect for yourself through speaking your mind, you pay tribute to people you interact with as well. You allow no space for fake attitudes or artificial relationships.

Release the need to please.

Chasing external validation is a sure path to unhappiness.

Do you think you are winning when gaining a convenient smile from a parent, a wink from a cute guy? Well, this form of approval is fleeting and harmful to your long-term self-worth. You think you are gaining when, in fact, loss somehow exceeds the winning part.

Desperately striving for others to love you create unhealthy attachments. There will always be people who criticize, judge, and do not align with your perspective. However, once you love yourself, the right people will always find their way to you.

It all boils down to letting go.

Letting go of the need to please. Letting go of the need to be identified as a member of this family and having a particular role in it. Letting go of the fear of being rejected. Letting go of the belief that being myself can jeopardize somebody’s self-esteem.

Every person holds their own fears and beliefs. Upon those concepts, they construct their reality. It becomes impossible to find your voice and essence whenever you tiptoe around how they expect the world to be.

You are not responsible for making others feel special and comfortable. That is only their ability to exercise. Ultimately, everyone comes in contact with opposing views, and it is up to the individual to deal with it by taking care of your flexibility and level of tolerance.

Saying no is not a crime but a privilege we take for granted.

We should never feel guilty for being our greatest cheerleader.

Being unapologetically yourself boosts your charisma. You allow yourself to discover your stand in the Universe as you become more creative and confident. When you connect with yourself on genuine and most vulnerable levels, you become magnetic.

I hope you do not allow the pursuit of artificial approval to blind you to the misguided nature of fitting into the whimsical confines of society. I hope you find the courage to make space for yourself.

Nice will get you nowhere. Nice will lead you to the abandonment of yourself. Sometimes you get to live your best version of self by becoming a rebel.

There is nobody in the world that can do what you do. There may be some that try to imitate your vibes, but they will never be good at being you. Just like you will never nail being them. The fake attitude will shine through.

Do not let anybody dim your light. Do not fit in. Do not become one of many. Be artistic. Be creative. Be you. Be weird. You will be successful because you will be happy of being yourself. They can wear shades for all I know if the glow gets in their faces.

Being yourself is so powerful.

In 2015 at the American Institute for Stuttering’s Freeing Voices Changing Lives Benefit Gala, Ed Sheeran, phenomenal singer, producer, and songwriter gave the best advice to young people. He had difficulty in expressing himself because of the stutter:

I was a very, very weird child. (…) I had a stutter. I had very big blue glasses. I lacked an eardrum on one side of my face. It was a difficult thing. (…) But I want to stress the point that (…) even if you have quirks and weirdness, you should not be worried about that. Be yourself. There is no one in the world that can be a better you than you are. And if you try to be the cool kid from class, you will be very boring. Embrace your quirks. Being weird is a wonderful thing.

Remember, different is good. Weird is interesting. If someone tells you that you are weird, somehow misunderstood — wear that attitude proudly. Not in an arrogant "I am better than you" type of way. The sole knowing that you resist following the beaten path makes you magical.

When you are yourself, you can establish immense self-confidence. With such an attitude, the road leads downhill, right? Carry on being weird.

Weirdness is f**king hot. Ed did amazing in life, despite his quirks and stutter. You will be fine too with being yourself.

You were born to stand out, not to blend in.

Who wants to fit in, anyway?

After trials and errors, I came to terms with my uniqueness.

That’s right. I am an extraordinary human being. Just like you, my friend.