Keeping being you somebody gonna feel it

When I was growing up the only woman of color widely known during that time for her “curve appeal” was Jennifer Lopez. Ms. Lopez’s beautiful face was still not enough to change what was considered the ‘right’ body image for many of us non-famous women with full-hips and big butts. Young men still preferred skinny. As well as, the modeling agency’s and fashion industry.

Much of my adolescence and teenage years was no where near anorexia or an extreme eating problem but I did unknowingly intermittently fast. In middle school, I usually didn’t have time to eat breakfast and I would sometimes have the money for school lunch in middle school but not always (it was hit and miss). Usually, after school when I got home I would have a snack and then I would have dinner.

Even with that type of eating pattern I was still curvy although very slim. My height from 10th to 12th grade was 5’4 (still my height now) and my weight was 130 there was no increase. When I was in my sophomore year I persued modeling but I seeked out the agency. Modeling agency in downtown Honolulu.

I had asked my mom to drop me off at Ala Moana Mall and I walked into the modeling agency, their office was located in a penthouse suite and I still remember meeting one of the heads of the agency.

Blonde Caucasian woman that was very tall and also very pretty. She looked at the photos I brought (had no professional quality ones, brought whatever closely applied) and she looked at me. Some of the photos I had my hair was blonde, some my hair was auburn and when I was sitting in front of her my hair was raven black.

Looking directly at me, she said, you look better with lighter hair. But you would make a good model because even though you can’t pass for white you look ethnically ambiguous and can pass for everything else (I am ethnically ambiguous I guess). And she said that I have a very pretty face but I may need to lose 20 pounds it will depend on the modeling job.

And then she asked me if I am interested in joining the modeling agency than I just need to take their modeling classes since I have no experience and then after the photoshoot they’ll sign me up with the agency.

I took the modeling classes and I enjoyed getting to work with the other models we learned ettiquetes, basic weight management, runway walk, how to do smoky eye look & other basic makeup tips, selling ourselves with visual representation, and information about the photo shoot and our fashion show.

After doing the photoshoot, we had our fashion show which was a good experience and it was a lot going on but one of the few times I felt very confident and able to feel less timid.

Following this, some time had passed and I was asked to come to the agency to look at the photos taken and could pick what I wanted for my composite card. There would be additional fee’s and I didn’t have the money to pay for that since I wasn’t working and had ask my mom to pay for the classes (it was not free either).

I spent the remainder of my time focusing on graduating high school and preparing to go into the military (which was still my plan prior to modeling) but if certain doors opened I would have just focused on modeling and going to college instead.

To make a long story short. There was one amateur photo shoot I did at car show in San Diego 2007 this was after returning to California from 7 month deployment overseas. Photographer asked me to take pictures and ‘curvy’ at this time was in but only for car show models and music videos. Still not accepted outside of this realm.

I didn’t win the NOS amateur photoshoot but I still appreciated the experience. Flash forward many years ahead into the future and with a connection of friend that’s a photographer, I am referred to a stylist he knows to be apart of the fashion show at the Hawai’i art Museum in downtown Honolulu.

Put myself on a diet since I am going to have to be in a bathing suit for this fashion show but it wasn’t required. The stylist and the two artists saw my headshot and body shot selected me for their fashion show. Only plus size model there. Plus size for the model word (Large) even though they’ve made significant changes to where they used to be.

Priceless feeling getting to speak to one of the artists and him telling me that when they saw my photo they were like: “Yes! We want her!“. And also, one of the artists wife was there at the time of fashion show she helped with the lunch arrangements and talked some of us. When she had talked to me, she said that when she saw my photo she told her husband and the other artist, “we need more models that are shaped like her”.

It took many years of me not hearing that about my body. And fighting to keep my appearance good enough for what society deemed the right size until I finally was appreciated for the way I looked and was shaped. Even better feeling, to hear that when you’re mother of three kids and never got that acceptance when you were childless and younger.

February 2020. I did my first fashion show called ODD Oasis by Eric Morgan & Bryzane Lagmay and part of the theme was rebirth and being like a snake that is shedding its skin and coming out of that. There’s so much more than body image that I’ve experienced in my life: adolescence trauma, effects of War, effects of Domestic violence, and challenges of motherhood while still thriving to persevere.

After decades of having to worry about losing weight, eating less, and not even being able to find the right pair of jeans that fit. It’s a great feeling, to finally hear people love and embrace the way your body is shaped. And to see beauty in that. So much so, that you’re the only plus size model they picked to be apart of their fashion show.

That saying—“Keep being you, somebody gonna feel it”. Not sure who the original credit goes to for that saying but to anyone reading this. I’ve been through the worst of storms and doubted many times by others but I never gave up.

Love the authenticity of you. Even when the world is saying you’re pretty but— or you could be good enough but—. You don’t need others conditionals to complete you. Know that you are enough even when no one else sees it. And I promise you, maybe you won’t hear it from them today or tomorrow or the next.

One day, you’ll have someone see it and praise you for the way you are. And it will be the best feeling. And the biggest smile on your face.

😌🙂

-Jennifer