Is The Fear Of Disappointing Others Ruling Your Life?

Who in their right mind wants to disappoint someone they deeply care about?

Seriously, if we had it our way, we'd probably choose to live a life where we never have to experience getting that heart-wrenching "look" of disappointment.

Although this is an almost universal trait, for others, this fear can go much deeper than just not liking it. This pervasive tendency can end up ruling your life, yet because it's so ingrained in us, we may not even notice the limitations we've set on ourselves.

Here are some signs to look out for:

You Can't Stop People-Pleasing

It becomes a problem when most of your life choices go hand in hand with this fear. You might go through hoops to avoid even the potential of receiving that look.

People-pleasing tends to stem from that fear of sounding "needy" or making somebody else mad. You end up only saying or doing what others want you to do.

I can't quite pinpoint when I started doing this, but as a child I'd actively choose to hide my emotions to prevent my parents from getting annoyed or displeased. Somewhere along the line, I drew a connection between expressing myself and disappointment.

In my adulthood, this later translated into people-pleasing behavior. Rather than earnestly expressing my true desires, I'd say exactly what others wanted to hear.

A lighthearted example of this would be not wanting to correct the waiter for getting your order wrong. A more serious one would be absolutely despising someone else's opinion, but living in fear that they'll leave you or get mad at you for expressing yourself. So, instead, you smile and nod as you feign approval, while having an intense internal conflict about it.

By seeking their validation, you hide your own feelings and opinions.

Crippling Loneliness

Because of this avoidance of conflict, you end up alienating yourself and feel incredibly alone. Sure, you might have a lot of friends around you, but what's it good for when you don't feel comfortable expressing yourself?

You might hold back or stay quiet altogether, because you think you're going to say the wrong thing. Much like when we're children and are trying our best to avoid being told we're a "bad" child for doing something the "wrong" way.

It's a painful way of living.

You feel like you're not yourself around anybody, since you're too focused on what others would find appealing.

Constantly Thinking You're A "Bad Person"

I personally struggle with this one the most. It's the thought that kept me in a very unhealthy relationship for the better part of a year. With this thought pattern, you feel constant guilt and shame for no reason.

The mere act of setting a boundary and taking a stand can make you wonder if you're a terrible person. It sounds ridiculous, but you'd be surprised how often it can happen.

When you're being confrontational, the other person might express some hurt or displeasure, which can activate this fear response.

Even though you know you need to set this boundary for your well-being, you end up backtracking on it. All to make the other person feel better, and to stop feeling like you're an awful person for even thinking about it.

How To Cope With This Fear

Because of how ingrained this fear of disappointment is, we might say to ourselves "This is just how I am". We justify its existence as an intrinsic, and thus uncontrollable, part of our character when that is not the case.

The key to changing the way you manifest this fear is to reflect on these initial thoughts, instead of just accepting them from the get-go.

Once you become aware of this tendency, you can see it forming from a mile away. Its faulty logic begins to fall apart.

This behavior is no longer conceived as an essential part of you, but an action you can actively change.

You'll slowly, but surely, stop yourself from betraying your own values and finally express yourself —however difficult it may be.

I promise it won't be as bad as your anxiety-ridden brain thinks it'll be.

Fun Fact: There Is No Word To Describe This Fear

Unlike the fear of failure (atychiphobia), there is no official word for the specific fear of disappointment.

I found out the Greek word for "disappointment" is "απογοήτευση" written "apogoítefsi" with our alphabet.

Therefore, we could call it apogophobia. What do you guys think?

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Thank you for reading! Do you have any other ways of coping with this fear? Personally, taking a moment to actually listen to those thoughts helped me realize how ludicrous it all was. I still struggle a lot with this-conflict makes me very anxious-but I'm definitely much better than I was years ago.

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