Intergalactic VIP

As a retired psychologist I am, with my lovely wife, often invited to events to offer classes on improving relationships. I provide the technical details and bullet-points; she provides the wisdom and humor. Our classes are well attended and we’ve got a national reputation, although it is something of a “big fish / little pond” reputation. You see, we teach about a relatively obscure relationship style that is a hybrid of several other relationship styles, theoretically distilling the best from each and creating a highly pragmatic and functional relationship style. We teach it and we live it, using those same ideas in our everyday life.

In addition to my formal training and time working with people in my therapy office, my wife and I have been hosting local gatherings and refining our craft in facilitating relationship discussions for nearly two decades. We love connecting with couples that are openly exploring their relationship options instead of simply blindly following the model that they learned from their parents, who also are blindly following their parents’ example. Our ideas may not work for them, but opening their eyes to possibilities and engaging them in frank discussions increases the likelihood that they will craft a relationship that will survive and thrive.

The teaching circuit we travel has regional and national events drawing people who want to experience relationships in a new way. Of course our perspective on relationships isn’t the only one offered at these events. Classes range from "Sensual Massage" to "How to Find a Partner Online" or "How to Disagree Without Arguing." The events make efforts toward inclusivity and diversity, so a wide range of People of Color and LGTBQ+ speakers and attendees can be found, with classes specific to their needs and challenges also on the schedule. While not free of the occasional drama, these small events attempt to help people find and live their authentic selves, and form satisfying relationships.

An interesting nuance of these conferences is that they frequently have award dinners and competitions - intended to recognize and encourage excellence, usually related to providing community service or education. As a blanket term, the awards are often for “leadership.” My wife and I were eventually asked to take the stage and we were awarded a regional recognition for excellence in leadership and education. Not only was this a huge honor that opened doors to even more speaking opportunities, but it also made us eligible to compete for a national award for excellence.

The national event was a much more serious undertaking! A panel of expert educators and leaders would not only attend our classes but would be conducting interviews with us to determine if we were the right people for the yearly award. They were seeking people who could be trusted to speak with wisdom, but also with compassion and inclusivity. The weekend was grueling, not the normal joy of attending an event as respected speakers. We were asked difficult questions in our classes to see how we would handle thinking and responding with no script and no preparation. Our personal interviews challenged us to clearly explain our relationship model, its applicability and its limits. One interviewer even asked me to explain my choice of wearing a Full Windsor knot in my tie.

In many ways my wife and I were being judged not only on whether we could clearly communicate about our chosen relationship style, but also how authentic we were to the style we espoused. Did we use the tools we taught about in our daily lives? Were we authentically ‘walking the walk’? Essentially, were we fit to be considered leaders?

We left that weekend having won the national award. I like to pretend it is actually the intergalactic award, and until someone comes to dispute my claim, will probably continue to do so. We were truly big fish in an itty bitty pond, now! And therein lies the problem. Many award winners, whether regional or national, believe that they have arrived - they have reached the summit of the mountain and they can begin their reign as resident guru. Being deemed a “winner” or recognized as a leader can change people, or can unleash their ego, perhaps. They often seem to be intoxicated by their status as leaders. They see leadership as an elevation of their power.

Our next event was the following weekend. The event producers were working with an extremely tight budget but they knew we had some experience with catering larger weddings, so months previously asked if we could help make the event more special for the attendees. My wife and I volunteered to cater a formal VIP dinner for fifty people. Catered meals were not included in the ticket price but hosting a formal dinner was a way to add some extra sense of community for the attendees, so a VIP tier was added.

All the attendees knew we were freshly-minted intergalactic winners, and they likely expected us to walk around like beauty-pageant winners, with our award medallions flashing, then sit at the head table. Instead, my lovely wife rolled up her sleeves, put on an apron, and took four volunteers, myself included, to create a glorious meal. She told the event producers that the meal would be ready at 6pm, and the first plates hit the tables exactly on schedule.

I chopped and washed and toted during meal preparation. I draped tables, sorted and placed silverware and filled water glasses before the attendees arrived. Throughout the meal, I went to every table repeatedly, dropped to one knee, and asked if there was anything anyone needed. More Herbed Ham or Sicilian beef? Fresh napkins?

I knelt and served for fifty VIP attendees because being a leader isn’t about accolades and sitting at the head table. It isn't about strutting, or being adored. Being a leader is doing what you said you would do, working hard toward the success of the tasks you’ve selected, and finding ways to enhance the lives of those who you lead. You see, excellence in leadership, to me, is about excellence of service.