Instagram Vs. Intention

I know.

I know. Okay. You’re rolling your eyes right now. Another social media fasting post? Super original right?

Just hear me out.

I think we all have An Experience with Social Media. That’s why so many people have something to say about it. You yourself (yeah you, reader) could write an article about how Social Media impacts your life.

So here is mine.

I started 2020 with no expectations. Zero. I planned no resolutions. I made no declarations of eating better or going to the gym. In all honesty, I had reached peak disillusionment with ‘bettering’ myself and was just trying to survive.

And yet, 2020 ft. Coronavirus still managed to fail not only me and my personal goals, but probably everyone else on this planet, and their goals.

Then, the New Year emerged out of the fog of 2020 with a speed and stealth that the iceberg from the Titanic would have been jealous of. And I found myself sitting on my ass, both figuratively and literally, minutes before midnight, once again not having made any attempt to shape myself up for the coming year, even if it would be 2020: The Sequel.

I already knew that making grand, but broad, declarations for 'improvements' and 'living my best life' would not work, because I am lazy and 'setting intentions' are for people with attention spans and discipline, neither of which are qualities I possess.

But I had also freshly learned that making no declarations does not, in fact, lead to a better life. It actually just lets you stew in your unproductive juices and feel pretentious about your nihilistic choices.

I know that you are wondering what this has to do with social media, but don’t worry, we’re here.

As I sat there, I realized that I had opened my phone to check on the Instagram story I had posted earlier. I had not planned to do this. My phone had just appeared in my hand and I was automatically scrolling, subconsciously aiming to distract myself from thinking about New Year's Resolutions.

I felt my eyes glaze over. Scroll. Intentions and I have a rocky history, I thought. Scroll. But I did not intend to open my phone just now, did I? Scroll. Here I am, about to pass through the threshold of a new year, leaving behind 365 days of directionless work and free form time that has left me feeling a few eggs short of an omelette. Scroll. And I am just letting myself thumb away, doing little and perceiving less.

Scroll.

Did I not want to do more with my life this year?

Hesitate.

Was I not tired of feeling rudderless? Was this not something I have regularly, and at length, talked about with my therapist and my mom?

My life tends to be a formless thing, like marbles of experience spread out in every direction. I have always said I liked it that way, that things did not need to be linear in order to live a fulfilling life. But there needs to be a shape, something to hold all the marbles together, least they get lost. And maybe Instagram was directly impacting my ability to build a marble holder by luring me away every time I tried to start.

I have tried to quit social media before. I have always failed. Even during fasts, I couldn’t last. But maybe this time, I could make it small. It didn’t have to be the mountain of quitting completely. I could scale it back, focus on not posting anything. Just ease myself into the cold waters of a post-less life.

People do Dry January all the time. I could do this.

Week one started strong. I deleted the app right after the last midnight of The Hell Year, and a final post of fireworks. I only checked on my story a few times, on my browser, which sounds like a failure, but I’m taking it as a victory.

I did find myself with my phone in hand, searching for an app that was not there, or looking at something funny I saw out on a walk and subconsciously crafting a caption for a post.

But I stayed strong.

Until January 6th.

For the uninformed, this was the day of the Capitol Riots. I watched it start on live TV, and was immediately back on Social Media, re-downloading Instagram, scrolling through opinions, stories, and twitter re-posts to try and wring as much information out as I could. I was sharing content on my story, trying to stay grounded through Instagram rather than reaching out to a friend and talking it through with another person.

The app stayed downloaded.

Week two was a massive downswing. I usually cave around Day 5 on Social Media Fasts so I had made it a little longer than I had before, but the constant habit of checking and scrolling was pitifully easy to return to.

At first, it felt informative. Then it got repetitive. Before I knew it, I was no longer actively seeking out information. I was scrolling mindlessly, and it soon turned back into an escape and losing hours.

Sometime on January 11th, I posted again. I was checking constantly.

There was a brief moment of clarity. Maybe it was the ache in my jaw from clenching my teeth, or the tired sting in my eyes. But I realized I was back in, and I wasn’t being intentional with any of it.

So I exited and expelled Instagram. But I did not feel better. I always delete this app. I took the next step. Got my browser out, got to the website, opened settings.

And I deactivated my account. *

This took less than three minutes. But it felt good. It only took about an hour for one of my friends to notice that I had deactivated, which was a lot sooner than I had anticipated. I had to defend my choice, which was hard, but it also inspired me to stick with it. Someone knew, asked me about it, and I told them. It would seem weak now if I let myself log in again.

After that though, this week was good despite a rocky start. I picked up a book (actually several) and finished them, which is something I have not done since summer, and even then, that was one book.

Week three followed suit. I forgot to craft posts in my mind. I had an escapade regarding a grocery store I thought would be open that was decidedly not and a few miles of a trek home in just below freezing weather and I didn’t once think about informing my friends via IG.

I even stopped on a walk to enjoy the scenery and just, be in the moment.

I planned calls with multiple friends and actually followed through.

It was the most present I had felt in literal months.

And yet towards the end, I think I hit withdrawal. I was picking up my phone again, looking for something. I wouldn’t find it. I started watching movies. I read 4 more books. I drew more than I had in the past month. It was productive, sort of. But I was absolutely restless.

Week four has been a blur. I climbed through the last couple rings toward employment, which felt harder than it should have. I haven’t been able to watch movies, or YouTube, or draw. Reading isn’t nearly mindless enough but I have found myself sleeping the day away and reading deep into the night.

As I approach the last day of this month and intend to take this resolution or whatever it is, forward, I think about the conversation I had with my friend about my decision to take a break. I said that I was too involved in posting, that I was worried that my personality was being shaped by my social media presence. That I was no longer someone who lived life in real time and it was impacting who I thought I was.

She brought up that she uses social media as an escape. I did not think that resonated with me, until now.

I had already realized that it was giving me a sense of fulfillment and filled my quota for social interaction. Without it, I’m feeling lonely and more than a little directionless. But now I am coming to realize that social media takes up huge swaths of time (you should see how much my screen time average has gone down. I’m embarrassed about it), and once it is gone, you actually have to be mentally present for those hours. What do you replace that time with? And how do you make sure you aren’t just swapping one escapist practice for another?

This was what was so hard during week four. The novelty of being present had worn off. So I tried to fill the hours with other kinds of escapism. And I am not saying that is wrong. We all need a little break in these times, but I let it get away from me. I never reigned myself in, and now I am realizing just how much of myself I had given to social media. And how much I now need to reclaim.

As I mentioned above, I have always struggled to be intentional, but I think that is exactly what I need to do in 2021 in order to reclaim myself from the malaise of 2020 and a life lived online.

So I created a plan: instead of making big resolutions at the beginning of 2021 and hoping they stick, each month will be dedicated to breaking old habits, like checking my phone right when I wake up, and trying new ones, like (gentle) workouts or having a regular sleep schedule. Then reflecting on those things to see if they helped, and building from there.

For all the mental upheaval this decision has (surprisingly) caused me, I’m glad I started an Instagram fast. It felt like a very small thing when I started, but it allowed me to realize the grip that Social Media has had on my life, and that while it can be a helpful, wonderful tool, I allowed it to become an integral part of my day and even shaped a big chunk of my personality in an unhealthy way. By removing it from my life, I found out just how deep this problem was. This not only allowed me to step back and take a critical look at how I spend my time, but it also showed me that I can change behaviors that do not serve me.

I am a little thrilled (and terrified, to be honest) of the clarity this experience has brought me. Not to be dramatic, but I feel like I slipped back into the driver’s seat this month. The car is still a stick shift, but hey, we’re getting there.

*Trust me, I am still very much paying attention to the news, but do so during set aside hours.

This is my first post on Vocal! Thanks for making it this far! I certainly have enough free time to write now, so hopefully I will be seeing you all soon.