Independence is an Illusion

Independence is an Illusion

Not long ago, I noticed the tendency of people to tell children and women they must be independent. I found it odd. I thought at first that they might mean ‘capable,’ or ‘determined,’ or something similar. Then a relative clarified for me through an overheard sentence: ‘You need to be independent so you won’t rely on anyone for what you need.’

It was an odd thing, from my perspective; I don’t see us as being independent at all. None of us.

Much has been made lately of the claims to be a ‘self-made man.’ The statement is clear, but erroneous; these ‘independent’ people benefit from care and education, in most cases, and the wisdom and advice of others in almost every case. In all cases they use roads built by others, live in homes built by others, and drive cars built by others. Even those who claim to live off the grid use an awful lot of tools and equipment developed and built very much on the grid.

This independence these people claim, is an illusion.

They are very capable, determined, and tend not to whine or complain about what lot life has thrown them into – that’s true and admirable – but to claim independence is a step… a BIG one… too far. It’s simply a self-aggrandizing myth.

Deeper though, is the mythical reputation of the word ‘independent’ as being a positive descriptor. What is so good, after all, about being independent? It means a lack of redundant systems, for one thing, so when the person who strives for independence falls ill, or grows too old to continue running the company, institution, or legacy they’ve striven to build their whole lives, the empire – far more often than not – crumbles into dust and memory. The people who had depended on that one person are left without that stability, because they were not allowed to help support it.

On an interpersonal level the impact of striving for independence is even more profound. Independent people tend to be deeply uncomfortable accepting help from others, and so when they give it, there is an undertone of judgment and disappointment that comes along with it. Balance is nearly impossible. Because independence has been drilled into us as the epitome of adulthood, we feel we have failed to mature somehow, and are not real men, or women, because we crave and need the support – and the burden – of a network. But we are human beings, evolved and conditioned to work as a team.

Biologically (you can ascribe this to the divine or science), we are designed as pack animals and community driven. Being independent goes against everything we are designed to be. Women, especially are being fed this banquet of nonsense which is compelling them to think they don’t need anyone (especially a mate) to be fulfilled, successful, happy, etc. This is a wrong message. We need each other. Please don’t underestimate that.

Women cannot be compared to men, no more than men can be compared to women. We are different biologically. Do we need equality? Yes, we do. We all deserve the opportunities offered to all humans. But To grasp independence as a solution will never work. We are complementary and equally necessary. For species survival.

It’s ironic, in this age of social networking, that we would fear the implications of that kind of support, but I believe it is necessary to our road to maturity and true success.

Don’t be misled by the erroneous message that we all need to be independent of each other. That is not our nature. Work on basic equality, while taking into consideration the beauty of our differences.

Julie O’Hara 2024