I Will Try

I am trying. Truly, I am.

I take the pills and potions that are recommended. I am following guidelines and taking advice. I am desperate to find a way out of this haze, out of this hole. But I am so tired.

I am tired in ways I can't describe. A bone-aching tired. A tired that makes it impossible to do simple tasks. A tired that makes standing up from bed seem impossible. A tired that I can't describe fully or sleep away. I wake up as exhausted as I was when I first fell into bed. There is no escape.

So I try taking the prescription medications (two different kinds, "better together!" they tell me), and probiotic potions. I try getting a daily dose of sunlight, even if it is artificially produced by a light box. I try to exercise, to eat and eat well, to find some motivation to attend to any kind of "self-care". I try to remember to smile in public, and to make sure I bathe regularly. I see my therapist as often as I can afford to, which isn't nearly as often enough, and I'm trying to be honest with my husband about my needs. But I am sure that I need too much.

One day, soon I am sure, he will look around at the mess that is me and decide that he can't abide by it anymore. I have always been sad, I tell him. I thought being together would make you happy, he would explain. And then he would tell me to leave. And how could I blame him? I know I'm exhausting to be around. I know that I'm not what he hoped to have in a partner. But what more can I do? I'm trying.

Tomorrow morning I will listen to my alarm, and spend 10 minutes meditating, forcing the negative thoughts out of my head while I try to focus on the breath. I will stretch and try to be rooted to the ground, breathe through the motions, and force the negative thoughts out with each asana. I will sit with my first cup of coffee and light box as I write my never ending to-do list for the day, always finding more to do than can possibly be done. I will take my medication. I will eat breakfast and take my probiotic and my vitamins. I will try again, and again, and again.

I will try to be happy. I will try to be the wife that my husband expected. I will try to be the friend that my friends deserve. I will try to be present and positive and move beyond the exhaustion. To find more reasons to try.