Better Intentions

A mantra is a word or short phrase that is repeated throughout the day, usually to encourage bringing something good into being. I have known those to repeat "love" or "peace" over and over to themselves to encourage these ideas to manifest in their daily lives.

After the birth of my second child, in the summer of 2017, I found myself in the throes of a horrible depression, and subconsciously using a different kind of mantra over and over.

I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything.

I would catch these words erupting out of me while I was making coffee, doing laundry, getting the mail. And it should have been shocking, or disturbing. It should have caught me off guard or alerted me to the severity of the situation that I found myself in. But it took a long time before I even recognized the new habit. The new refrain that would follow me everywhere throughout my day.

I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything.

I had a beautiful, healthy baby and a feisty almost three year old at home. My husband was able to take paternity leave thanks to his progressive workplace (whereas I wasn't able to take any official maternity leave from my job, but was able to work from home). I had physical support. I had friends to call on. I had medication that I started to take as soon as the baby was born to stave off what I knew was going to be a depressive episode after the birth. I had done this before. But I had gotten better. Taking the medicine was enough, right?

I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything.

But postpartum depression doesn't just affect mothers. And bodies don't always respond in the same way to the same medications. My mantra was fully acknowledged between me and my husband, who heard me say it dozens of times and knew what I was saying, but perhaps didn't fully understand why. Life with a newborn is hard. Life with a newborn and an almost three year old can feel overwhelming in the best of circumstances.

It took me longer than I would like to say to finally reach out for help. To find a therapist. To talk to my doctor about a more effective medication. To plead my case, to find the energy and strength to stand up for myself and insist that this isn't working. That we need to try something different. That I needed to plunge myself into intensive therapy and medications I never imagined would be prescribed to me in order to find some hope on the other side.

But it's not perfect. And even now - years later - I still find that voice creeping up inside of me when things are particularly hard. When I'm feeling lost, or hopeless again.

I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate everything.

The difference is now I have learned to listen for it, to acknowledge it, and to use the reappearance as a signal to pay more attention. Have I been taking my medications regularly? When is my next therapist appointment? What have I done for self care lately? When was the last time I took a walk outside?

As part of my growing self care routine I am working on meditating regularly. All evidence - scientific and from the experiences of individual practitioners - shows that the effects of a regular meditation practice are not only real but deeply meaningful. One benefit might even be fewer reoccurrence of depression. In my beginning research of meditation practices I have been learning about using mantras in meditation, of repeating these words to invoke something in our daily lives. To have something to always return to and count on.

I love the idea of the power of words, but was also frustrated with myself for using these words - I hate everything - to further impede my progress. How could I find light if I only focused on the darkness?

After more thought, however, it would seem that my inner self, my deep subconscious, was crying out for help through a mantra before I even recognized things were wrong. And, it would seem, continues to use it to check in with me before things become that bad again.

I am trying to find a new mantra that will carry me through better days - that I can use intentionally to bring joy and light into my life on a daily basis. Something that I can turn to not only in meditation practice, but as I am driving my children to school, waiting for water to boil, folding laundry. Something I can return to to remind myself how far I've come - but also that the path continues onward.

My brain and my personal chemistry mean that I am likely to battle returning into episodes of Major Depressive Disorder throughout the rest of my life. But I am learning to listen to myself, and to respond. And to find better intentions - better words to invoke - to move forward and into more grounded days.