I Will Not Be Afraid...Even When I Am

“I Will Not be Afraid…Even When I am”. Which is ironic because I am terrified to even be posting this. I guess, to start… a little about me. I’m a Christian and love diving into the Word of God.

To be honest, I’ve been battling God for the last several weeks, trying to convince myself that this whole podcast thing is a stupid idea, that it’s not for me, and I’m the last person that should be doing this.

That I misheard God or made it all up in my head. If you knew me personally, you’d know If being shy had a prize, I’d place first. I don’t talk much. In fact, I really don’t talk ever. I’m quiet, introverted. So, it’s intimidating for me to speak into this microphone, to be heard by….whoever is listening. I don't really know that anyone will.

But one thing, I can’t do. What I absolutely won’t do is ignore God, even if what he's asking me to do is terrifying. Sometimes, one way to really know it’s God talking to you is if it is something that scares you to death. Throughout the bible, God asked ordinary, simple men and women to do things that seemed impossible. Like, Jonah. He ran from his calling because it scared him so bad.

I’ll just briefly compare Moses to Jesus. Because we have two instances in the bible where one man was given the chance to serve God and he let fear win. And we have Jesus who was asked to serve God and did faithfully.

Take Moses. Who was so terrible at public speaking, he begged God to let him do anything else. In Exodus chapter 3, God asked Moses to go before Pharaoh and demand he let the people of Israel go free. And Moses put it off and put it off, so God poured out his presence in a burning bush.

Exodus Chapter 3 Verse 1-3:

1 One day Moses was tending the flock of his father-in-law, Jethro, the priest of Midian. He led the flock far into the wilderness and came to Sinai, the mountain of God. 2 There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a blazing fire from the middle of a bush. Moses stared in amazement.

Though the bush was engulfed in flames, it didn’t burn up. 3 “This is amazing,” Moses said to himself. “Why isn’t that bush burning up? I must go see it.”

Talk about a sign from the Lord.

Verse 4 When the Lord saw Moses coming to take a closer look, God called to him from the middle of the bush, “Moses! Moses!”

“Here I am!” Moses replied.

5 “Do not come any closer,” the Lord warned. “Take off your sandals, for you are standing on holy ground. 6 I am the God of your father[c]—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.” When Moses heard this, he covered his face because he was afraid to look at God.

Immediately here, Moses begins to experience fear.

Verse 7 Then the Lord told him, “I have certainly seen the oppression of my people in Egypt. I have heard their cries of distress because of their harsh slave drivers. Yes, I am aware of their suffering.

8 So I have come down to rescue them from the power of the Egyptians and lead them out of Egypt into their own fertile and spacious land. It is a land flowing with milk and honey— 9 Look! The cry of the people of Israel has reached me, and I have seen how harshly the Egyptians abuse them. 10 Now go, for I am sending you to Pharaoh. You must lead my people Israel out of Egypt.”

11 But Moses protested to God, “Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?”

12 God answered, “I will be with you. And this is your sign that I am the one who has sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God at this very mountain.”

13 But Moses protested, “If I go to the people of Israel and tell them, ‘The God of your ancestors has sent me to you,’ they will ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what should I tell them?”

14 God replied to Moses, “I am who I am.[d] Say this to the people of Israel: I am has sent me to you.” 15 God also said to Moses, “Say this to the people of Israel: Yahweh,[e] the God of your ancestors—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob—has sent me to you.

This is my eternal name, my name to remember for all generations.

And I love verse 14. Because Moses questions God and protests because Moses thinks he is unqualified. And immediately, God responds with what he sees. That it doesn’t matter what Moses thinks of himself. Because God, Yahweh, the I am is in Moses. Moses was coming before Pharaoh with the authority of God not the authority of Moses. And that realization is powerful.

16 “Now go and call together all the elders of Israel. Tell them, ‘Yahweh, the God of your ancestors—the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob—has appeared to me. He told me, “I have been watching closely, and I see how the Egyptians are treating you. 17 I have promised to rescue you from your oppression in Egypt. I will lead you to a land flowing with milk and honey—the land where the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites now live.”’

God called Moses but he also gave him verbatim what to say to Pharaoh, he promised to perform miracles to encourage the Pharaoh to let the Israelites go. God had everything planned out. He just needed a vessel.

18 “The elders of Israel will accept your message. Then you and the elders must go to the king of Egypt and tell him, ‘The Lord, the God of the Hebrews, has met with us. So please let us take a three-day journey into the wilderness to offer sacrifices to the Lord, our God.’

19 “But I know that the king of Egypt will not let you go unless a mighty hand forces him.[f] 20 So I will raise my hand and strike the Egyptians, performing all kinds of miracles among them. Then at last he will let you go. 21 And I will cause the Egyptians to look favorably on you. They will give you gifts when you go so you will not leave empty-handed. 22 Every Israelite woman will ask for articles of silver and gold and fine clothing from her Egyptian neighbors and from the foreign women in their houses. You will dress your sons and daughters with these, stripping the Egyptians of their wealth.”

Chapter 3 is really setting us up to really grasp the dire necessity and urgency of what God was asking Moses to do. He was telling Moses all these wonderful things, like “I am” will be with you. And you’ll gain wealth you didn’t have before. And you will do what no one has done. You’ll have so much bravery and courage that you’ll stand up to the Pharaoh of Egypt, one of the most powerful, meanest rules of that day who had no regard for human life because he was holding an entire group of people hostage, forcing them to work as slaves.

Pharaoh didn’t respect people, and God told Moses he would have enough influence and power and authority to take down an enemy who was so callous and cold that he didn’t value human life enough to respect it.

But, there was Moses, who got caught up in how He saw himself. Afraid, insignificant, underwhelming, unimportant. Moses has a lack of self confidence too. He couldn’t see past what he was so he didn’t understand what God wanted to do in him and through him.

Oftentimes, we don’t realize this. But, when God calls us to do something, he often calls us for a job we aren’t equipped to do. And he does that to show the world how great he is through us. God sees our potential and where we can go before we do. And that sounds great and inspiring until the rubber meets the road, and you’re staring down this long, scary looking, winding dark road where it feels like you can’t even see your feet in front of you to take the first step but God’s asking you to trust him and just start walking.

As we start walking though, God begins to make us stronger, help us grow our faith, gets us more reliant on him, and gives up the opportunity to see him do amazing things in our lives. But, we have to be willing to say yes to the long dark, challenging road he’s asking us to walk.

It gets even more interesting in Exodus chapter 4 because Moses was afraid that the Pharaoh and the Israelites wouldn’t believe that God called Moses to do the job. In verse 10, it says “But Moses pleaded with the Lord, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”

Moses misunderstood God. God wasn’t asking the Moses who was tongue-tied, bad with words, and timid to led the Israelites out of Egypt. He was asking the Moses who picked up the snack by its tail and turned it back into a staff. He was asking the Moses that waved that staff around and split the Red Sea. He was asking the Moses held up a staff during an entire battle so that the Israelites could win over their enemy, if you read further in Exodus 17, you can read that story.

And unfortunately, and I think we can all relate to this, Moses dropped the ball. He let somebody else do what God asked him too simply because he was afraid. But what Moses didn’t realize, is that every victory and every failure from the day he committed to doing what God called him to do was a stepping stone, a time of preparation so that he could be the Moses God needed him to be on the day the mattered most, the day the Israelites escaped Egypt.

We don’t ever start out perfect. But if we realize that everything that happens to us or that we go through, can be used as a way for God to prepare us and train us for the things ahead, we would endure and not grow weary. We would trust more in God instead of wasting time questioning him.

In Exodus 4 Verse 13-14, here’s where Moses dropped the ball.

13 But Moses again pleaded, “Lord, please! Send anyone else.”

14 Then the Lord became angry with Moses. “All right,” he said. “What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he speaks well. And look! He is on his way to meet you now. He will be delighted to see you. 15 Talk to him, and put the words in his mouth. I will be with both of you as you speak, and I will instruct you both in what to do. 16 Aaron will be your spokesman to the people. He will be your mouthpiece, and you will stand in the place of God for him, telling him what to say. 17 And take your shepherd’s staff with you, and use it to perform the miraculous signs I have shown you.”

But you know the amazing thing is, that even though Moses messed up and refused to obey God, God gave him another chance. Eventually, if you read long enough, you’ll find that Moses did lead those Israelites out of Egypt. He did it, held out that staff, and the Red Sea split, crushing his enemies.

You can’t tell me that God opened up the door for Moses to do something big and used all of his failures and all the times he didn’t get it right, so mold him and build him to become the Moses that knew God would split that Red Sea when he needed him to. God had to work on Moses’ faith in God so that Moses would trust God to get the job done every single time.

Here’s another example. Take Jesus Christ himself. He prayed so earnestly to God that if there was any other way besides hanging on a cross, to please choose that route. Jesus was half son of man and half son of God. He experienced every emotion and every struggle we do. Which includes fear, nervousness, doubt, hesitation.

You can’t tell me that the days leading up to him being beaten, bruised, whipped, spit on, and nailed to a cross, that he wasn’t terrified and nervous to fight that battle, to do what God called him to do in that moment. Even then…Even then, despite the fear, the uncertainty, the discomfort, and the nervousness, he did what God asked him to do. He did it anyway. And he left the result up to God.

In Luke Chapter 22, Jesus has just shared the Passover Meal with the 12 disciples. He states that before his time of suffering, he would share a meal with them. He knew what lay ahead and how hard it would be, hanging on that cross.

Beginning in verse 39 is says,

39 Then, accompanied by the disciples, Jesus left the upstairs room and went as usual to the Mount of Olives. 40 There he told them, “Pray that you will not give in to temptation.”

41 He walked away, about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, 42 “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” 43 Then an angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him. 44 He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood.

Jesus was so afraid of what lay ahead, he was in “agony of spirit”, so much that he was sweating. And we all know when you are nervous, you will be doing a lot of sweating! But he was so afraid that his sweat turned into blood.

If you look at this verse, verse 44, in different translations, it paints a strong picture.

One translation says, “Jesus began to have troubles in his mind. He prayed again even more strongly. His sweat became like blood and it fell to the ground.

The NLV translation says, Jesus’ heart was much troubled and He prayed all the more.

We’ve been there. I know I have. Where your heart and mind are so troubled, heavy. You don’t know which way is up or what to do. Jesus understood that too. Jesus endured that too.

The message translation says, Jesus pulled away from them about a stone’s throw, knelt down, and prayed, “Father, remove this cup from me. But please, not what I want. What do you want?” At once an angel from heaven was at his side, strengthening him.

Two things about this translation: (1) Jesus asks God what he wants out of him. Despite his fear, his desire is to do what God has called him to do. (2) Immediately, an angel came to strengthen Jesus. God knows where we are and he strengthens us despite our fear.

And the last translation I’ll mention is the amplified version which says “And being in agony [deeply distressed and anguished; almost to the point of death], He prayed more intently; and His sweat became like drops of blood, falling down on the ground.

With all these translations, it describes an array of turmoil Jesus experienced. But in every translation, Jesus prayed intently. And he kept praying. He sought the face of God. He was determined to pursue God and make God’s desires his own.

Jesus also knew what it felt like to walk alone when a calling is placed on your life. Leading up to his crucifixion, he knew Paul would deny him 3 times. He knew Judas would betray him and rat him out, causing him to get arrested. But he chose to walk alone because his love for us was greater than the fear he felt.

I’ll end with this verse because it’s so powerful. Somebody has to stand up and say something because God is too good and too faithful for us to stay silent. I’ve seen him do too much in my life for me that I can’t continue to sit back and not say anything about his goodness, his faithfulness, his power, his love. And I hope that as I share more of my story and what God has done in my life, that everyone who is listening falls in love with Jesus, like I have.

Here’s the verse. It’s Psalms Chapter 3, verse 6 which says I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around.

When I read this, I picture myself surrounded by ten thousand soldiers with their spears aimed right at me. I picture those soldiers intimidating me, jabbing those spears as close as they can get to me. I picture myself afraid, lonely, and very intimidating. And for a lot of my life, as I went through high school, college, medical school, and became a doctor, I felt this way. And sometimes, I still do on a bad day.

Totally isolated from everyone else. Afraid to really live. Afraid to try and mess up. Afraid to look like an idiot if I tried something new. Intimidated by an enemy, the devil, that I knew was trying to slow me down, because that’s his job, his purpose. To make sure Christians stay so defeated and scared that they don’t live for God. They don’t live in God’s perfect peace and joy. They don’t live in God’s victory because they let the fear reign over them.

And like I said, for most of my life I am ashamed to admit that, this was me. I was always too shy to step up, too quiet to speak out. I had a complete lack of confidence in myself to do anything God called me to do. I didn’t feel qualified to shovel dirt, much less become a physician or start this podcast. I never tried because I didn’t want to fail or look stupid for trying. And I’m hoping that some of you can resonate with this.

The year I started medical school, God put me through the test. I was in the fiery furnace for 4 years in absolute misery. But at the end of those 4 years, I came out knowing in my heart that God had my back. That no matter if it looked like I was losing, I had already won because God held the victory. I came out of medical school with a fight I never knew I had, a voice that wouldn’t be shut up or contained, and I knew that God was surrounding me, even if it looked like ten thousand soldiers were surrounding me instead.

I’ll just give you a taste of what I mean, and I’ll go deeper into these stories in later episodes. But, my first year of medical school, part of our curriculum was something called problem based learning, where you sit in groups and discuss patient cases. And this was already a problem for me, because again, I was extremely shy and quiet. I never did anything to draw attention to myself, so the thought of voluntarily speaking up in a group of 8-10 of my peers, who I already thought were smarter than me, prettier than me, better students than me.

That was my ten thousand soldiers surrounding me. And to make it worse, I had to get some many points based on my participation or I wouldn’t pass the year. I would have to repeat the first year. So, it was pressure upon pressure. I fought it and fought it. I prayed, begged God to give me boldness and to make me speak up. I wrote scriptures on pieces of paper and put them in my pockets while I was at school. But, it still wasn’t enough.

One day, I was emailed by one of my professors about my limited participation in these classes. And she told me, “No matter what you do, you will not meet the participation standard of any professor here.” Talk about a punch to the gut. First of all, she didn’t even have the nerve to tell that to my face. She hid behind an email. But that’s another story for another day. And I’d like to tell you that from that day on , I dominated that room. I spoke up and never shut up. That I proved her wrong… But I didn’t. I didn’t. That was an enemy I had to fight for 2 years of medical school.

I would occasionally speak up or answer a question the professor asked. I volunteered occasionally to read the cases outloud, just so I wouldn’t completely fail. But it was never up to any professor’s standards. But I fought fear for 4 years because I was so quiet and shy, and I just couldn’t shake it.

And just to sort of paint a picture of how I was, I kept my eyes pasted to the floor at all times. I didn’t address any one unless spoken to. I turned bright red whenever attention was drawn to me. And part of me was so angry that I wasn’t accepted as I was, as God created me. Why should I be penalized for being quiet when no one was ever penalized for talking too much?

Then, I did something radical. I quit caring what the professors thought. I quit reading the professor's evaluations of me. I even quit checking my grades. So, it was a complete surprise me to me at the end of semester that I passed. I just went to class, studied hard, kept my head down, read my bible, prayed every morning, and praised God on the way to school. And let the rest to God.

I also told God that I’m never going to be somebody I’m not, and if wanted me to become a doctor, he’d have to help me because I surely couldn’t do it alone. I wasn’t enough. Who I was and how I saw myself was nowhere near the requirement or met any standard at my medical school.

I gave it to God and I stopped letting other’s opinions about me and my ability to be a physician determine my success. Because the reality is, the only one who could have stopped me from becoming a physician was me. And if I only paid attention to what God said about me, I would believe the truth and not the lies.

God says that I am victorious. He says that he prepares a table for me in front of my enemies and I’m at the head of that table. He says that all I have to do is stand and watch him fight the battle. He says that I can do all things through him. He says that I am so blessed that I can’t outrun the blessing. He says when I’m in a boat facing the storm, he calms it. He says that when I’m racing a red sea, he will split it.

He says that when the enemy comes roaring at me, he raises a standard against it that will not be crossed. He says that will come to my defense. He says that he will bend his ear down to the earth just to hear my request. He says that I don’t have to worry about anything. He says that I can have peace and joy. He says that I am a child of God, and that puts me so far ahead of the rest of the world, that the race can’t even be measured.

And I barely passed that portion of my grade. But, God passed me, even in my imperfection. I choose to believe that from that moment forward, God put me with professors who had more understanding, more empathy who passed me along. And if you want to hear more about how all that went down, you’ll have to tune in to the next episode.

But, I will tell you that once I graduated medical school, I noticed that I stood up for myself a lot more. I voiced my opinion more and I didn’t let anyone push me around. I noticed that I developed a tougher skin, letting things that used to bother me roll off my shoulder.

I noticed that I developed an inner peace that I knew without any doubt that no matter how bad it looked on the outside, God was going to fix it and work it out for my good, because I saw him do it every single day for 4 years of medical school.

I didn’t see the finished product immediately. It was 4 years of hard work, being in uncomfortable positions, pushing myself hard, even when I didn't want to. And on the day I graduated, I stood back and just really thought about how far God had brought me. And I was mesmerized at my God and what he had done.

I really recommend doing that whenever you feel like God isn’t fighting for you and he is nowhere near you or your problem. Take a few moments, think about what God has done for you up to that point. Did you wake up this morning? Did you have food to eat that day? Did you have the love of a pet or a spouse or a sibling to come home to?

Did you have a car to drive to school or work? Did you have good health that day, no pain, no discomfort, no bad doctor’s report? Did you have money in your bank account to pay your bills? Did you have a job to go to? The more thankful you are, the more you realize truly how much God has done for you. And it gives you hope that God will continue to keep you up and running.

And I knew he would carry me when I got tired, when I didn’t believe in myself, when I wanted to quit. He would be there to keep me going. And I know that had I not gone through the things I did during medical school, I wouldn’t have learned those lessons. I would not have gained more courage and boldness. And as I entered residency, I quickly learned, everything God allowed to happen in my life in medical school produced a lesson that I absolutely needed during residency.

I went through so many self-degrading, uncomfortable, frustrating moments with plenty of bullies both in medical school and during residency. Because believe it or not, there are bullies in medicine. And I finally just got sick and tired of being pushed down in the dirt. And I got tired of letting my fear control my life and how much I enjoyed my life.

And there are still days where I’m quiet and I feel discouraged. And I feel completely run over by the devil. It’s easy to get bogged down by what you didn’t do right or comparing yourself to others, and feeling constantly behind.

It’s easy to get lost in the mind game of not feeling good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, motivated enough, wealthy enough to do what God’s called you to do. But, I urge you to do what Moses did. And do it afraid, even if you drop the ball the first time. Get up and try again. God honors that effort.

Through all of this, I learned that It’s okay to be afraid. Like I talked about before, there are plenty of people in the bible who were afraid. But what’s even more powerful is that there were even more times from the old testament to the new testament where god said “do not be afraid” or “do not fear” around 100 times.

It’s a natural human emotion. But what is not okay, is you let that fear defeat you before you even start. It’s not okay to let fear keep you from what God has called you to do or from receiving what God has for you. Fear is just an emotion. Jesus defeated that emotion on the cross.

He crucified the fear and became one more reason why you don’t have to fear. Because if you’re doing something for Jesus, he won’t let you fail. He won’t let you be burned. He won’t let you be taken down by your enemies. Because you’re in his army, operating in his power and his spirit, not your own.

Whether you realize it or not, every day is a battle. Every day the enemy, the Devil, walks about roaring like a lion, hoping to steal everything from you. Hoping to kill your dreams. Hoping to destroy your finances, your goals. Hoping to steal your joy, peace, happiness. Hoping to spin you into such confusion and chaos, that you stay defeated. But God knows how to shut up that roar just like he knows how to silence the waves of sea. Just like he knows how to move a mountain. Or curse a fig tree that isn’t producing good fruit.

God has never been defeated. He knows every trick the enemy pulls on you, and God has a plan. He is always ready to fight for you. So, don’t stay down. Get up!. Get up and fight. Sling the word of God at the enemy like David slung those rocks at Goliath. Don’t stop until the only you speak, think and live is the word of God because it shows you the God you are leaning on. That he is perfection. And he will not fail you.

Hopefully, you learned something from this. Thank you for listening. Even if this podcast never gains an audience, if just one person realizes the goodness of God from this, I’ll be completely satisfied. I am in awe of God every day and I want people to know how awesome God is and how faithful he is to you if you walk with him daily.

For now, this is me signing out. I wish you well. God be with you. And God Bless.