I Lost My Spark
The unknown impact of servant leadership
There is no clear point in time that I can analyze to figure out how I lost my Spark, it is just not with me anymore. I have spent time reading books, working hard to be creative try new things, start new business, but nothing is working. I can no longer ignore the void. The things I used to love to do just seem lifeless, bland, and colorless. For the longest time, I have always given my best to my job and the people in my life and now even that is fading. I miss doing the best I could at anything I tried my hand with and need to find a way back.
There is no real way to calculate what a Spark actually is or the weight it carries but it is clearly a necessity in my life. Simply put it's the result of living in and investing in your passion. It's how we direct our choices in life, helps with our decision making, and breathes life into the work we do. Without it, I feel like I'm just existing without direction or purpose. I want to start living, I need to start living. Not for others, but for myself. I am determined to make this second half of my life the most memorable.
I made a career change a few years ago and it was the most challenging role I every had the opportunity to fill. I did all the research, the training, and the investing in my team. We centered everything we did around servant leadership, working side-by-side with our employees to help the company grow. We were very good at it. Within 2 years we doubled in size and our division became one of the strongest revenue producers and had the highest level of employee retention. I really loved that role but it wasn't because of the title, it was my team and the heart they had for their people. I poured my energy into them so they could pour it into their teams. My one huge critical mistake was never planning in any self-care. I gave until I had nothing left and it forced a major life change on me.
After leaving that role and focusing on family and myself for the past year, I find that I am still searching for what I actually love to do. Most of what I used to do was to try to impress my wife, my family or coworkers. I'm not even sure at this point what I want to do with my life now that I have the opportunity to work on it. I know I need to find a format to test me, bring me even more out of my comfort zone and put me in new and unique experiences. I am desperate to feel something again, something that lights my soul on fire and keeps me from feeling like every day is groundhog day. I owe it to my kids to show them that being a grownup is worth it. To show them that identity and knowing who you are is important.
Starting this summer, with only the bare necessities, I will be taking a hiatus and travelling the country by motorcycle. I will rely on the breathtaking views to replenish my drained creativity. The inevitable struggles with weather and my bike to test my problem solving. The unplanned encounters with strangers to remind my heart of the good in people. The lonely moments to listen for the voice I used to hear.
Looking forward to sharing my thoughts, insights, views, and experiences here. Feel free to connect, would love to hear your stories.
-B
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I Didn’t Burn Out From Working Too Hard — I Burned Out From Caring Too Much
I didn't burn out from working too hard. Nah, the real reason I got burned out was caring too much. "I always thought burnout was about working too much, but it's actually way more nuanced." "Working for extended periods." Deadlines, ugh. Always on the go. Nah. That wasn't me, for real. I actually didn’t burn out from work itself. I just ran out of steam trying to care anymore. I just cared too much, you know? It all comes down to doing things right. It's tough when you really don't want to let folks down. Being the strong one means you're always there for everyone else, never really showing your own struggles. You just deal with stuff without making a big deal out of it. It felt pretty cool at first. Folks counted on me. They really put their trust in me. They needed me. I liked that. I just really enjoyed feeling important. Needed. Useful. But over time, caring slowly started to feel more like carrying a burden. I really felt the weight of everyone else's stress on my shoulders. Other people's expectations feel a bit like carrying baggage that isn't yours. Other people's problems. And I never stopped to check myself. I was really tired when I agreed to that. I showed up empty-handed. I really just ignored all the signs because I didn't want to upset anyone. I figured that made me tough. It didn't. The burnout didn't hit like a bomb. It just kind of snuck in. Quiet. It's really slow. You know that feeling when you wake up, and you're just... wiped? Like you haven't slept at all, even though you just spent hours in bed. It's a bummer, really, to start the day already feeling completely drained. Ugh, it's those tiny annoying things that just get under your skin, right? Things I really liked: It just didn't hit the same way, you know? Some days, even brushing my teeth felt like a huge effort. My least favorite part was probably the constant feeling of needing to be ready for anything. It’s hard to just relax when you’re always anticipating the next challenge. No one could see it. My life looked good. That's the main idea. Normal. "Inside?" Empty. I'm not sad. Not angry. Just done. That's the sort of emptiness you feel when you pour all your energy into everyone else and leave nothing for yourself. Being there for everyone else, always, but never really for yourself. Then someone hit me with a question I couldn’t dodge: When was the last time you did something just for you? And in that moment, when the unexpected happened, I just froze. I just couldn't recall. That really caught me off guard. I realized I only made room for others, never for me. I used to think that being selfless meant I was strong. "Rest = lazy" is definitely not true. "Boundaries = failure." I just kept going. Never paused. Didn't check in. Burnout doesn't really announce itself, does it? It whispered. "I just don't care about the stuff I used to anymore." Not 'cause I didn't wanna. I just didn't have anything left to give, you know? That really startled me. So I started doing something weird. It was uncomfortable. That really freaked me out. I just started saying no. Quiet. Not rude, just straightforward. Just being honest. No. I'm not able at this moment. No. I really need a break. No. I don't have it today. It just felt bad from the start. It felt like I was blowing some test I didn't even know I was taking. "Everyone would just think I was weak." But the world didn’t fall apart that day. Folks got used to it. A few of them understood. Some just didn't get it. And you know what? That was fine. I figured out that being caring doesn't mean you have to destroy yourself in the process. It's about knowing your limits. It's really about valuing yourself. You can be kind without getting drained. It’s possible to support others without sacrificing your own well-being. It's totally possible to care deeply about things without letting it drain all your energy. Burnout really showed me something important: You know, rest isn't something you have to earn. It's not a prize for working hard. It's okay to slow down; nobody needs your permission. It's totally okay to not give everyone all of yourself. When that heavy feeling creeps in, it can make everything feel a bit much. I paused. I'm here. I asked: “I wonder if I have enough energy for this.” It's like, when you give too much of yourself, and totally forget your own needs, that's not healthy. That's not strength. You know, that really sounds like self-neglect. I'm not going to mix those up anymore. It's true, we often put others first and forget about ourselves. Remember, you deserve care and attention too.
By Beshoy Zayer6 days ago in Motivation
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