I am manifest's destiny: starting new- not over

I’ve always associated New Years with the dreaded task of “Resolutions” to be the standard concept of simply "getting in shape". Somehow the physical change, be it weight loss or weight gain seemed to be the only mark of “growth” for our society because its tangible evidence of something, proof of one's "efforts" and "dedication".

I have been told by my elders that this is the “intermission”. The "insignificant" part of a play that is to be a much grander story called my life. That being in my early twenties, I am just as confused and unsure as the next young "adult" is normal. But I am anything but...

As a LGBT woman of color, living in a racially Caucasian environment, my life has been a narrative of internalized racism and colonized ideologies embedded deep into my subconscious. Ever since I could rememeber, I had the nagging voice inside my head telling me, " I was not good enough for happiness". Being adopted at a young age, into a loving family, the disconnect between my birth roots and my adopted family instilled so much pain and confusion. I realize now, that I've been carrying generations worth of trauma and pain, the weight of many worlds and lifetimes not quite so easy to lose in a year.

On paper, my life is nothing short but a scribbled mess, a series of long winded moments strung together hastily by impulsive decisions that a budding young adult would be expected to have. I always considered myself an artist, not a writer…

Who’d want to hear or read what I must say ? Why bother trying,my voice is insignificant in comparisons to others around me, others I see on social media.I had convinced myself for the past decade, that I was unworthy, I was ugly, I was underserving of this precious gift called life.

I couldn’t be more wrong.

The Corona Virus outbreak of 2020 cured my soul believe it or not. Through the TikTok app believe it or not I found my spirituality. I gained a new perspective on this entire 3D experience we call “living” …

I downloaded the app it for mere distraction at first, but it truly has transformed my life for the better. I found my community, people who felt and understood the frustrations of being in the awkward “in between” phase of teenage-hood to adulthood.

The initial lockdown which started for me around March of 2020, forced a lot bad habits to resurface. In little over a month I had gained 20lbs by sitting on my ass binge drinking, eating, and watching Murder She Wrote pretending to be Angela Lansbury. My diet consisted of Toll house cookie dough, Bud light limes, and numerous bags of kettle chips. It wasn’t until the end of 2020 reared its ugly head, and I was left with the same void, that no amount of food or app could fill…

I remember mindlessly scrolling on TikTok one night, and stumbling upon a video referring to spirituality and “mindfulness”.

I was launched in a worm hole of spiritual TikTok, with foreign words such as tarot and manifestation.I was overwhelmed with knowledge and like minded soul searchers. The concept of a "renewal" and "rebirth" is quite intoxicating.

Globally, there has been a great shift towards spirituality just within this past year. Understanding, seeing how this was and is a global pandemic that has killed millions. We as humans seek comfort, answers especially when face to face with death herself. I've witnessed a great collective shift towards utilizing the internet, social media specifically- to empower and find some sort of support anf comfort. I shift I must be apart of.

I seek to create a safe and open space for those like me who were in a place of utter hopelessness and utter confusion, but can learn the tools and power to navigate each day. 

As I'm slowly but surely, learn my worth and my right to be heard. I speak to you all because my voice, my perspective holds power and truth.

For once in my life, I have no one to please but me. I’ve gained clarity and am creating a life well lived. I am falling in love with the process of "me". Spending time alone, understanding just who exactly I am- without the performance.

There has been so many amazing milestones just within the end of 2020 into this New Year and I am so grateful.

Overall, 2020 taught me humility and patience with myself and others. I have learned that the physcial body means nothing if the soul isn't healthy. I've realized, that I am an artist and a writer! I've fallen in love with the art of journaling.

By releasing the societal expectations, the coloinzied mindset of what God is or isn't and just allowing myself to think and feel freely through word has been liberating beyond explanation.

I will manifest my destiny with the help of this challenge. Winning will provide for me funding to share and create for others. It will grant me the opportunity to finish my college education and set myself up with a new resource of supporters and love that will launch me into the stratosphere of possibilities!

This year:

I will graduate college.

I will create a YouTube channel and TikTok that empowers like-minded individuals and promotes self-love.

I will paint more and create paintings that mean something to me.

I will start a nonprofit for interracial adoptions and be a resource for kids like I was, who are interested in the arts and their heritage.

I will find my birth parents.

So as you can see, this is by no means the," intermission".

This right here, is the start of an ever expanding story and it must be told.We don’t get a dress rehearsal, no redo, no restart. We get one life, one chaotically good and messy life where we choose each day.

I choose life. I choose me.