I Almost Lost My Voice

I was always a quiet child. Almost easily overlooked, if it weren't for my frequent anxiety attacks. I grew up in a home where children were to be seen and not heard. I specifically recall my father saying "shut up, you're a child and no one cares about your opinion." That memory sticks with me because it was at that moment that I started to lose my voice.

I remember having recurrent sore throats, and more than my share of strep throat. They occurred so regularly that no one thought anything of it, including me. I just enjoyed the hot teas and throat drops. Now as a highly in tune adult, I realize my throat chakra was blocked and the sore throats were the physical manifestations of that.

See I was always a quiet child because that was my nature. I preferred to observe more than I spoke, but before my father's comment, it had always been my choice. After his comment, I silenced myself because I truly felt like no one cared about what I had to say. I internalized my father's opinion as my truth and carried it with me into my adulthood.

I evolved from a quiet little girl to a voiceless woman. I never spoke my truth or stood up for myself. I didn't know what a boundary was until I was almost thirty. Throughout the years, instead of speaking my truth, I chose to write it down and keep it to myself. See, I've always had something to say. I just struggled to find the voice to say it with.

I spent too many years nodding my head in agreement with things that I knew good and well I didn't really agree with. My husband thought I was the most laid back easy going wife in the world because I never voiced my opinion about anything. I suffered so much disappointment and heartbreak because of that, until eventually my soul was exhausted. All of a sudden, I was ready to tell my truths, all of them.

I began writing my first published book "Hey Little Black Girl: For the Unhealed Little Black Girl in You." I'll be honest, I was terrified! That would be the first time I shared my writings since poetry club in high school. I hesitated and took extended breaks while writing my book because I was terrified of the backlash that would come from it. Family members were excited and proud that I was writing a book, but I knew once they read it, their sentiments would change.

Once it was finished and published, I never spoke to some family members ever again. My truth made them so uncomfortable that they told me I should have "just kept my mouth closed." And it was at that moment that I found my voice again.

I had been silenced for most of my life and now that I had finally found the nerve to write and share my truth (which felt AMAZING), I was told to be quiet again. What they didn't realize was that by silencing myself and experiencing the things I did because of my silence, I had become resilient. Their opinions no longer shaped my truth or my beliefs. I found my voice and haven't been able to be quiet since.

Yes, my knees trembled and my voice cracked, but I learned that I had to speak my truth even if I was scared and alone. I learned that once something is truly awakened in your soul, there is no silencing it. So, I encourage you to speak your truth from your heart with knees knocking and teeth chattering because this is your life and no one has the right to your narrative, but you.