How do we Find Self-Validation, Self-Approval, Self-Care and Self-Love?

Like me, many people out there have relied on outside validation to feel good about themselves, from wanting to connect with others, fitting in, being complimented on their looks, outfits or needing constant reassurance from others. However, as we go through experiences, we come to the realization that the true validation we need is from ourselves and has always been within us. Often, this realization comes from setbacks, unmet expectations from others, rejections, and the universe forcing us to look inward for answers, take time for reflections and embrace time alone. Although at first, we may find it difficult and even unbearable, we come to find enjoyment, peace, happiness and ultimately ourselves in the process. Slowly, we start to become more confident in knowing who we are, more self-assured, authentic and understanding that all along, we only needed ourselves to feel validated.

Before this realization, I was constantly in my mind trying to analyze how others see me and how I can fit into the persona that I believe they wanted me to be, or being the persona viewed as acceptable by those I encounter. This was draining my energy, lowering my vibration and leaving me feeling depleted at the end of the day. I know that the only way to remedy this situation was to put in the inner work needed to feel fulfilled from the inside out. The first thing I needed to do was to find who I really was, what matters to me, my values and goals. By defining these, I can understand myself, my needs and wants and how they validate me. As I get to work toward self-validation, I learned the below lessons that helped me get close to achieving my goal. I am certain that many of you may find it helpful.

Lesson 1: Learn to know yourself better than anyone else knows you.

The truth is that no one knows us better than ourselves, but this truly happens when we have done our inner work because it does not happen overnight or by aimlessly going through life. Through this inner work process, we get to know our strengths, weaknesses, limitations, temptations, triggers, motivators, capabilities, and learn to step into our life more confidently, without the need for outside validation. We learn to know what is best for us and work to manifest it in our lives without waiting for someone else to tell us. We take charge of our happiness, joy and become masters of our destiny. When we rely on others to figure our life for us, they may want something else for us that is not what we want. As a result, we must be our own guide, servant, teacher and master. When we get to know ourselves, we start to live more authentically.

Lesson 2: Be Authentic and Vulnerable with yourself.

We must believe in the process of life to unfold ourselves into our best version. We have everything we need within us to help us grow, evolve, expand to our highest self. We just need to do the work to find it, and once we do, we then start to truly show up in our lives. Being authentic starts with living our life in a way that is true to us, our needs and wants and the values we create for ourselves. We start doing things because we want to, or it is good for us and stop investing in things and situations that do not resonate with us. We stop people pleasing or the need to impress others. At the end of the day, we want to be able to sit and look at ourselves and feel-good knowing that we lived authentically. By doing this, we avoid unnecessary struggles in our life, feeling the need to do anything that is not for our highest self and bring us peace of mind. Also, we learn to love ourselves unconditionally, gain the courage, the strength, and the wisdom to make decisions in your life to move us in the direction we want. Life gets simple that way, as we truly start attracting what and who we are. If we choose to energetically vibrate to our higher self, we will more likely receive in kind. At the end of the day, you are doing it for yourself and not for others, but ultimately, the reward becomes far greater than yourself.

When we learn to be authentic and vulnerable, we start being honest with ourselves, open to constructive criticism from ourselves and others without the need to let it weigh us down or affect our confidence. We learn to embrace our weaknesses, limitations, setbacks as tools to grow and stand in our strengths with humble pride without letting our ego get in the way. We learn to wear them like armor, and they no longer be used to hurt us, and in return we do not let them define who we are. Slowly, this process can lead to self-mastery.

Lesson 3: No one is coming to save you, so be your own hero and cheerleader.

One thing I learned in my journey is that no one is coming to rescue you in your life because everyone else is busy trying to figure out theirs. Learn to tell yourself how amazing and beautiful you are, figure out your talents and skills, shows yourself how brave and courageous you are because until you do, no one will do it for you. If you are lucky, you may have wonderful people around you who can help you see all the wonderful things about you, but ultimately, you must do the work yourself. No matter what anyone wants or cheers for us, we must want it for ourselves. The other side is going through life asking for constant validation from outside yourself, resulting in disappointment, hurt and worries. No matter how long we wait for that friend to help us, the boyfriend or girlfriend who makes us feel better about who we are or complete us, or that great job to validate who we are, none of these will equal the work we have to do for ourselves. For instance, we heard stories, when people put many expectations on things and others, just to feel empty, unfulfilled and disappointed. Also, we must take the lead in our life for others to want to help us, join us or take chances on us. As a result, when people come into our life, they complement us rather than complete us.

Lesson 4: Stop waiting for things to happen before you take charge of your life---Do it now.

Often, we hear people saying, “I will take that trip after I get the raise,” instead of starting to slowly save for it, or “I will wait to find someone to go with on a trip because I do not want to do it alone” The reality is we keep waiting and waiting and time goes by, and we miss enjoying our life. I used to live my life this way, until I realized that I was wasting valuable time to learn who I am as an individual, enjoy my own company, being comfortable in my own skin, and learn to live in the moment. When I started to live in the moment and living with less, through managing the resources that I possess, I realized that I really have everything that I needed to enjoy life, learn to feel contented and not wait for more money, a special person or achievement to enjoy life. For instance, through the time I spent alone, I learned to enjoy who I was becoming, got involved in various activities that I was interested in, learned self-care and self-reliance, invested in my hobbies and learned new ones. The possibilities for growth and evolve as an individual are endless. But we must choose to act rather than wait for someone to come and tell us how to live our life.

Lesson 5: Find something that brings you joy such as task, a course, a hobby, or any other activities

When we engage in a task or hobby that we enjoy, it moves our focus from things that take away our valuable time and help us redirect our energy in the positive side of life. For instance, instead of feeling bored sitting at home, we can join a running or walking group to connect with others while doing something we like. We can start doing daily or weekly walks in the park if we enjoy walking. How about starting painting, joining a yoga group or doing volunteer work? The goal is finding something that brings you joy and happiness and moves you from boredom to doing. You learn to rely on yourself to uplift, build up and create your own happiness, without waiting for outside circumstances to fill in the void. You find ways to live your life as best as possible, while attracting what you want. In addition, gaining knowledge that builds up our skills can be a rewarding process. Knowledge is something once gained, it cannot be taken from us. So even when everything else is lost out there, you have it to rely on, and you have you and no one can take it away from you. It is yours to keep it, cultivate, and use it as you see fit in your life.

Lesson 6: Learn to adopt and develop mental toughness

If you are lucky, you may have supportive people around that you can connect with, high vibrational people who can uplift you, help validate your hard work and push you forward. But if you are like most people out there, you can only rely on yourself to motivate you, push you forward, be grounded and find validation. My understanding is to start learning to have a positive and a growth mindset so you can stand strong on your values, and not be tempted to give up or change course when you face life challenges. Develop a mindset that is built on resilience, discipline, courage, unshakable faith in yourself, and perseverance to keep going. The validation must come from within. A book that helped me have a clear understanding of mental toughness is “Mental Toughness-Handbook" by Damon Zahariades. The book clearly explains what mental toughness is and provides a step-by step guide to facing life’s challenges, managing negative emotions and overcoming adversity. In addition, when we have the right mindset, we are better prepared when things do not work as we planned. Quite often, we may wish for certain things in our life and may receive it quickly, but we may not be able to hold on to it because our vibration does not match our inner self. As a result, we lose those very things we have come to holding so dear to us. To avoid this negative feeling or sense of loss, we must develop our mindset to start vibrating at the same level as the things we want to attract. Michael Bernard Beckwith beautifully said it in his quote “You cannot have what you can’t attract vibrationally.” When we develop the inner strength within ourselves, we can rely on our internal compass to validate us, even when things do not work out, we can bounce back from it and work to handle things better next time.

Finding self-validation, reliance, love, and care is not an easy process, but the work we put in can be rewarding. We learn to no longer rely on others for validation and to help us be our best self, rather we gain valuable lessons to become the leader in our life, rather than an observer of life.