Hellcat's Guide to Nirvana

A deeply satisfied person changing people's lives, that is what I always aspired to be.

A reckless, venomous, destructive and self-sabotaging victim, is what my belief system unveiled to me at every turn, and around every corner. It was reflected back to me in every mirror, this was my reality.

My identity was so tired of trying to change for the better, only to be pushed back by the tide of heavily practiced habits, back into the rough sandy beaches of my imprisoned, conditioned beliefs. I had a terrible habit of getting high to remedy the feeling of how disgusted I was with myself, even though I consciously knew that this was only feeding and enabling my shadow self. My shadow grins it's golden-yellow smile, satisfied with my conscious decisions towards failure.

But I know that I am the ocean! I am the peace and tranquility, I am the abundant life giving environment!

I am also the destructive waves, I drown beings who dare venture into my space, I am polluted.... what is this push and pull? What is this duality? Am I bi-polar? Am I insane?!

"Only you can decide."

Who said that? Is this coming from me? My higher self? Wherever this statement is coming from it has a universal truth to it that rings so clear, that I must give it utmost respect. Only I can decide the outcome of my life. I am aware of my poor choices, just as much as I am aware that I continue to choose the junk food energy in life. No wonder I am walking around with Cheeto dust all over my fingertips. How can I expect anything else. It doesn't matter that I meditate fourteen hours a week if I am going to continue to consciously make bad decisions. It's like exercising every day and then binge eat six Krispy Kreme, original glaze doughnuts every day! I am not improving at all. I am only maintaining a ludicrous balance where I am working hard to yield results, only to diminish progress by destroying any evidence of hard work.

Baby Demon Girl, why are we doing this to us? At what point in my life did you manifest, and why?

"Your aunt's boyfriend molested you at the ripe young age of eight. He told you if you told anyone he would kill your parents. Your life was sunshine and rainbows until that moment. It was then that you concluded two beliefs; One,' I must keep secrets to protect people I love'; and"

"Two, 'I must have done something bad to have deserved this punishment.' From then on you believed that you were a hell spawn who was visited by the devil, for only a bad person would ever manifest such a horrific experience." I wanted to immediately hug my baby demon for being so forthright with me. How could it have taken me so long to understand the root of my short comings? I believe that I am bad and undeserving, therefor, whenever life events start looking wonderful, my demon bodyguard from the land of false beliefs dutifully sabotages life events, for me!

Okay. Alright...so, how do I call you off? How do I command this belief to be erroneous and outdated? Can I believe a new belief so powerful, that it will cancel out the old one?

No answer.

Of course. Your loyalty lies with the sweet eight year old hell spawn whom you have sworn to protect. Thank you.

What now? What do I do? How can I fix this? It is urgent and imperative for our lives that we move forward in the most fulfilling and abundantly optimistic way possible.

I am exhausted, I need to lie down. "May I receive the guidance I desperately need, to help baby demon girl, my eight year old hell spawn, and myself."

I get cozy in my king-sized, trying-to-buy-my-sense-of-worth-bed, fully embellished with 400$ pillows, Egyptian cotton sheets, and dream scented sachets of lavender and mugwort beneath my lavish pillow...and drift slowly into dream land.

I am at a 30 Seconds to Mars concert, the pandemic is over, the crowd is smaller than usual, but it feels intimate and right for the acoustic set the Leto brothers have prepared for us. I am feeling very grateful. Because this is a dream, I meet with Jared Leto after the show, he looks at me and gives me his number. This number was given to me to call on him as a spiritual guide, should I need his help during my spiritual quest. He has spent much time on astral voyages and was tuned in enough to know that I was in for a "hell" of a ride. I thank Mr.Leto and his brother, Mr.Leto, turn around and suddenly find myself in a sook market. The ambiance is very middle east, it looks beautifully rich in middle eastern culture, I can even smell fragrant spices in the air, it is most pleasant to my senses. I think to myself, "Since I am sensing, I must human, right?" Upon having this thought I see a line of people in front of a peculiar gate. With childlike curiosity I run up to meet this gate. The gate is metallic, has nine pointed arrows and looks like an artistic collaboration of Tim Burton and H.R. Giger if they were to commence an interior design project together. It is eerily fascinating to look upon this dark, beautiful gate. The gate keeper is watching me admire this artistic barrier. Our gatekeeper looks like an outlandish ghoul, with large round baby eyes, and a disgusting golden-yellow grin. She says to me, "only you know how to open it, so go ahead, speak the names!" I'm simultaneously puzzled and in awe, for I begin to instinctively recite seven names I have never heard before, each name I mention causes one arrow to retrieve, one by one, unlocking the gate. Then I say names that I am familiar with, "... Betelgeuse (represents success, fame, and influence)," shhhhink, an arrow goes down. Then, in deep, slow motion, I say, "Be-ezle-bub" kou-tshhhhh, the final arrow retreats and the gate is open. (Is this a gate to hell? Am I visiting my shadow-self?) Would you believe I still had my innocent optimism about me? I did.' Have no fear, you are doing well', was the undertone of each breath I took. I was very proud and happy to rely on this supportive thought.

Where is this leading me? Who am I going to meet? So many questions were racing through my mind, and the more I paid attention to the questions the more the world before me began to fade, "no! I want to see, I want to go further! Jared! What do I do?"

"Let-go."

"Of what?"

"Just breathe, let go."

I breathe, and focus on my breathe, just like my meditation taught me, I am counting my breaths, one, two, three, let go even more. Good, now I will become aware to the fact that I am supported in the most unconditional and loving way, breathe in, four, hold, five, breathe out, six, still breathing letting go more and more, giving in. I notice that I am rising out of my body, my skin feels cold, the body is numb, rigor-mortis like, seven, eight, nine, I am completely nothing but energy, I am observing my body, and ten.

Am I still in the dream, or is this the real life world? No, let go, no questions. I am observing and expecting nothing, concluding to nothing. I do nothing but observe. Time is also nothing right now, there is actually ONLY, right now.

I am here in this time and space seeking answers, I was ready to meet my deepest and darkest shadows, I will do anything to understand what I must do to create a better life for myself. All I ever wanted was to live on purpose with purpose, I am so sorry that I did so many harmful things. I don't want to hurt myself anymore, I don't want to be suicidal, I no longer need to self-sabotage. I want to serve my highest purpose, nobody should ever feel the pains of being alive in this miraculous blessing of being alive.

I am descending back into my body, I distinctively feel a warm, loving touch on top of my hands. The energy from it feels comforting and supportive. As if to respond to this presence I acknowledge, "yes, my fate is in my hands. I also realize now that my fate is also greatly supported by love." The warm energy on top of my hands melds into my hands and eventually throughout my body.

"We are one. We are all one. So long as you are aware of this, you must act as one. Always be truthful, for love and honesty will never lead you astray."

"Why do I only feel like I am only, finally tuned in to my inner voice now?"

"You have sought, and so you have found. Ask and you shall receive."

This is MY moment! I am about to ask, how do I dispel harmful beliefs, but instead I say the answer, out loud, as if I am speaking in a dream, " speak the universal truth to a belief and it will self-regulate by returning to the source, never to be seen as a true belief again."

I am grateful, for when I open my eyes I rise from my nap a different entity from when I had laid down. We rose together, my physical, waking, walking self and my non-physical, higher self. The more appreciation and focus I give to this renewed energy, the stronger it is felt within me.

There is no going back. I cannot fathom living any other way than this feeling of fulfillment, or something better. I finally have direction, a sense of worth, a purpose!

I resolve to live my truest form, in truth and unconditional love. My purpose is to speak truth, by helping myself it will surely ripple out and help others.

It may sound too simple to be an ultimate resolution. But most things that are simple, are sublime.

When did you last live by truth, with every breath you take, and each move you make? Aware, and on purpose, with purpose?

Original TT