He Told Me He’d Shave My Head If I Ever Left Him

I was in a very violent abusive relationship at the age of 21 which lasted for 18 months. This was one of the hardest and scariest things I’d ever gone through. My days were filled with mental and physical abuse.

Now this guy took my confidence from 10 to a 0 through the course of this relationship. He’d accuse me of cheating on him while I was at work, he’d punch me, scream at me, threaten to hurt my family and even strangled me to the point that I blacked out. But the one thing that stuck with me for years after this was when he said he was going to shave my head if I ever cheated on him or left him. I couldn’t stand the thought of him taking that from me. Fortunately I was able to escape this dangerous situation with the help of my father.

Later on in my life when I was 27 years of age I was going through a very low point in my life. I had lost my job, lost my house and went through a painful breakup. I was proud of my hair though, it was long and luscious. The colour of my hair was dark brown at the time and for some reason I decided I wanted to dye it blonde. I mean I was totally obsessed with this idea, I started fussing over it and bleaching it every couple of weeks to the point that it was so damaged it was breaking off. When I actually achieved the colour I wanted, I hated the way it looked on me. But it wasn’t the colour of my hair that was making me feel this way about myself, it was my battered and bruised self esteem.

One early morning, after a sleepless night I got up and plonked myself down in front of my wall length mirror. I took a really close look at myself. I noticed that the light had disappeared from my eyes. I felt so lost and so enraged at myself. I looked so unhappy, so unfamiliar. I didn’t feel like myself. I have to do something, I can’t keep living like this I thought to myself. I asked myself, why do I feel this way towards myself. All of a sudden those words my violent ex screamed at me rushed through my head. I thought to myself, “it’s my hair, what if I just cut it off and start again”. I jumped up in excitement, grabbed a pair of household scissors and knelt back down in front of my mirror.

I grabbed a bunch of my hair and held the scissors up to it uncertain of what I was about to do. I stopped myself, picked up my phone and called my Mum to tell her what I was about to do. Her response was not to do it and that I would regret it. This only made me want to do it so much more. I was sick of following other people’s advice, I was sick of constantly obsessing about what other people thought about me and how I look. So I decided to stick with my decision and conquer my fear. I mean, how much worse could it get, I already felt so bad about myself, I needed to do something drastic to change.

“Here goes nothing” I said to myself, then took in a big breath. ‘SNIP’. As the scissors cut through that first bit of hair the most satisfying kind of sensation rushed through my body and every snip after that felt better and better. I was letting go and releasing the negative beliefs I’d had of myself for so many years. By the time my hair was up past my ears like a pixie cut I couldn’t contain the smile on my face and the warm feeling that I felt in my heart. I took back myself.

Looking at this new person I seen in the mirror, I burst out with tears. These were not tears of sorrow though, these were tears of joy. It felt like I could breathe again! Then I burst out with laughter and said to myself in the mirror, “Look at me, I’m still BEAUTIFUL”. For the first time I seen my inner beauty shining through. I looked alive again. I felt alive again.

This was the breakthrough that I needed to let go of my past and see myself in a different kind of light. I no longer felt hatred towards myself. I felt compassion, forgiveness and the need to nurture myself instead of hurt myself. I look back now, and I see how much this experience helped me to become my authentic self. It has helped me become comfortable with not looking perfect. It has helped me experience life in such a more meaningful and beautiful way. By showing the world my true self I have been able to connect to others around me on a much more deeper level. I connect to myself on a much more deeper level and I wouldn’t change a damn thing!

Written by JC