Graduation Day!

High school graduation. A day filled with celebration, laughter, pride, and joy. At least, that is what I imagined that day being.

Reality was that this day did have celebration, laughter, pride, and joy, but it also had misery, questioning, faking, and suicidality.

You see, I truly believed that my 17 year old self had nothing left to do in this world after high school. I had it in my head that those 4 years, although they were some of the toughest years of my life, were going to be the best years of my life. I thought that my life would only go downhill from there. Life to me seemed impossible if not sitting in a classroom nearly all day everyday and turning 18 was so, so scary to me.

From the age of 12 I told myself that I would never see the age of 18, so the fact that I was only two months away from my 18th birthday when I graduated was terrifying for me.

So, this day full of celebration quickly became me faking a smile and lying through my teeth about my future plans. I was telling everyone that I was going to be in the nursing program at Schoolcraft College, when in reality, I was planning how and when I was going to kill myself. I have a journal entry from the day after graduation that says,

"Yesterday was graduation day and was supposed to be a day filled with happiness and celebration with a little bit of healthy sadness and feeling sentimental. Instead all I could think about was when I am going to die, how I was going to kill myself, and thinking about the things I want to do before that day. It was nice to see my class together one last time and walk across the stage to receive a diploma I didn't think I would get but I am just so frustrated with my brain and can't believe that this is how my brain constantly works. I don't know how much more I can take and how much longer I can hold on but I am trying my best and I am going to try my best to make the most of whatever time I have left."

The next journal entry that I have is a suicide note.

I remember thinking to myself while I was sitting listening to the various speeches that I would wait to kill myself until after my graduation party in July because then I could have a "goodbye party."

It was then time for me to read a poem because not only was I graduating, but I was class treasurer. That means that I got to go on stage and read a poem.

After reading the poem and receiving my diploma, it was time to turn our tassels and throw our caps. This movie moment that I had been longing for as an eager freshman was finally here and yet all I could think about was how it didn't matter because soon I would be dead.

Truth is it did matter and it does matter! I walked across the stage and EARNED a high school diploma despite being in and out of the hospital senior year. Despite a suicide attempt. Despite living in constant survival mode of anxiety and depression. And, despite always feeling so lonely.

Suicidality doesn't have a look. Suicidality doesn't have a type. Suicidality does NOT discriminate against any race, gender, ethnicity, age, wage, etc.

As you can see from this picture, I looked fairly happy that day. And truthfully, there was some happiness and pride - it was just outweighed.

Graduations are almost always bittersweet and I can guarantee you that I am not the only one at my high school graduation faking a smile and who was terrified of what was next for them.

I am very happy to say that I am now nearly 19 and a half and starting to love life as it is. There are fewer fake smiles and I am learning to be authentically and unapologetically me.

I wanted to write this to show that even a 17-year-old who had the 4 point, who had the job, who had the supportive family, who had the friends, who had the leadership positions, who seemingly had it all, can be suicidal and not believe that there was purpose in this life.

I hope and pray that my next graduation day is everything I have ever wished and dreamed of because I know I will get there.

Go check on your friends and loved ones because you never know who is struggling and you never know what impact your words could have on someone's life.

Go be an amazing person! Just remember, you are human first.