From Solitary Reflection to Wild and Free, Cyclical Me

2020 was a year of deep shadow work, self-reflection, personal growth, dreaming big, and learning to be comfortable in solitude. Now 2021 breaks through the silence with huge energy shifts that call us out of our shells and beckon us to get ready for the year ahead. I sense big changes brewing below the surface, about to emerge.

The energy of 2020 forced many of us to reflect on those things we were once too distracted to pay attention to. It was a chance for most of us to think about who we really are and how we want to show up in the world. It was a time for us to consider if the things we spend most of our time doing are really what we want to be doing… if the choices we have been making are really serving us now. Many of us realized that our deepest desires had been shoved to the back burner for far too long.

Some of us enjoyed the chance to rest and reflect, while others fell into isolated depression or severe anxiety about health and finances. All of us were impacted, and many of us wondered how to stay afloat amidst the global chaos. It would be negligent of me if I did not mention those who never got the chance to slow down because they are essential workers, whose dedication to their work guided us through this time of crisis.

2021 is about us coming together for social justice causes, reconnecting with those who share our vision for a better world, and prioritizing our to do list so that it reflects our deepest desires, no longer shoved to the back burner. This is the year to make all those dreams into achievable goals, one step at a time.

Every January there are those who ask if I have made a resolution for the new year. In the past, I would try not to roll my eyes and make some bold statement such as, “I am going to quit smoking, cold turkey, right after this last cigarette.” The unfortunate pattern of subsequent failure is so familiar it bears no repeating. This year I am prepared for the changes ahead because I have had plenty of time to think about why I do the things I do, and how that works or doesn’t work for me. Most importantly, I have decided what I am going to do differently now that I have processed through the habits of mind that led me to repeat my own self-sabotaging behaviors.

Before I get into where I am going, allow me to introduce myself. I am Tamara Love, born and raised in Albuquerque, NM. I came to Denver, CO in 2017 to earn my graduate degree at Iliff School of Theology. I achieved that goal and graduated on June 4th, 2020, smack dab in the midst of a global pandemic and only a few months after a brutal breakup that left me confused and heart broken. The worst part about graduating during a pandemic is not getting to celebrate in all the ways you planned. It was anticlimactic graduating via zoom, although the staff and students who collaborated to host the event did a beautiful job creating moving music and graphic art to commemorate our time at Iliff. So beautiful, in fact, that it brought me to tears…

And the tears kept coming until I learned to let go of my expectations for things to happen precisely in the way I wanted them to.

This is not a sob story and I am not a victim. However, 2020 had its share of trials for me to live through. It wasn’t just that in January of 2020 the relationship I cared about most dissolved suddenly and with no real explanation or closure. It wasn’t just that I lost my job during the pandemic, leaving me utterly reliant on government assistance for everything from food stamps to heating bills. Finding a good job during a global pandemic is - let’s just say - challenging.

I spent my graduation, my birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas alone in my one bedroom apartment, often snuggling with my tuxedo cat, watching sci-fi and psychological thrillers until the wee hours of the morning. Scary movies were oddly comforting in a way that holiday themed movies could never be during a pandemic when you are isolated from those you love.

I grew accustomed to making my own margaritas at home instead of going to my favorite restaurant. I danced around my apartment instead of a club. I wore yoga pants all day long and never left the house until it was time to take out the trash. I nestled into my domain like a cocoon. I read a stack of self-help books, spent lots of time doing yoga and meditation, invested in spiritual coaching sessions, completed several dream journals, cleaned out the closets, donated to charity, and finally broke through the other side of the chrysalis, wild and free, cyclical me.

One of the biggest takeaways of 2020 is that I learned to be comfortable being alone for extended periods of time. I no longer feel like I need a romantic partner that I must adapt myself to in order to keep. I faced depression, fear, anxiety, and loneliness, and emerged stronger, more resilient and (dare I say it) powerful in my sense of self-worth, uniqueness, and femininity.

Having said that, the biggest hurdle for me in 2020 has been finding a career fit for a spiritual healer who just got her Master of Theology Studies degree during a time when most places of worship have closed their doors for the foreseeable future. What career path would best utilize the skills and natural talents I learned to refine during my years of academic study?

My endeavors to be an entrepreneurial spiritual guidance coach left me with a moral dilemma. How could I help others, particularly those most in need, and still pay the bills? Could I charge for services that I happened to be spiritually gifted to be able to share? Where should the line be drawn that separates legitimate doctors, massage therapists, nutritionists, herbalists, medicine men and women, curanderos, and Reiki practitioners from the quacks, con artists, prosperity gospel preachers, and other rogue sycophants?

How was I, in a world so full of distrust, to distinguish myself as a worthwhile healer, teacher and spiritual guide amongst the masses?

If I truly wanted to be successful at living into my purpose and divine calling, I had to begin by getting clear on exactly what I want to do and what obstacles are distracting me from it. Then I could be dedicated to growing in the ways that make lofty aspirations into solid reality.

Allow me to share some of the highlights of my time spent in reflection.

I chose to focus on what I can learn from my suffering, and in so doing, to become a more conscious and resilient person. I chose to let go of those items, energies, feelings, people, and thoughts that have already served their purpose in my life. I learned from each one, and I know longer need to repeat the lesson.

I learned that I need compassion, consideration, consistency, respect and responsibility from my partner. Without those, I do not feel loved, honored, and valued for the unique, creative person I am.

I decided to shift my perspective from trying to find the love, career, and inspiration that I want by looking outside myself to being those things for myself.

I chose to focus on what gives me joy instead of what I cannot control.

I decided to practice not being a people pleaser. I can always say “no” or “not right now” if something doesn’t feel quite right to me. I chose to practice the art of taking time to think and tune in with myself before answering a question. I can always take a step back when I feel pressured.

I decided to take baby steps in my career goals by reducing my to do list to what is realistic and manageable in the time frame I have available. I find it is better to do one thing at a time and do it well, even if that one thing is messy and takes all day.

I learned how to ask for help when I start to get overwhelmed and to bring my focus back to one thing at a time so I can complete my tasks without distraction, pressure, or worrying.

I learned how to hold on to only the good memories I shared with others and the lessons they taught me. I learned to be grateful for the blessings in my life instead of longing for more (which creates suffering).

Keys to how I am actually doing this:

1. I let go of suffering. It serves no purpose in my life. Guilt, regret, pain, longing, loneliness, disappointment, and resistance to accepting what is. All of these things served their purpose already when they showed me that I had a need for change. After that, dwelling on these feelings can only drag me down into depression. They have no other gifts to offer (other than to signal a need for change). I thank them for the lessons they taught me and release them into the void to be transformed into something useful.

2. I let go of stress, anxiety, self-doubt, and fearfulness. These habitual patterns of mind change nothing about my circumstances but greatly reduce my enjoyment of life. I have no use for joy stealing emotions. I release them to make room for peace in my inner being and deep, authentic love to replace them in my heart and mind. I envision these negative emotions consumed by fire and reduced to nothing. This gives me the clarity to actually focus.

3. I forgive myself for all the mistakes I made along the way, reminding myself I am human and still learning. I am patient with myself, especially when I am learning new things. I take notice when I become irritated by change and laugh at the silliness of resisting healthy change. This helps me to take myself lightly and to be a more pleasant person to work with.

4. I take breaks when tackling large tasks, before I get so overwhelmed that I give up. I also take breaks to simply check in with myself when I feel my mood shifting or when I need to clarify how I feel in a given moment. I am learning to check in with myself when another person asks me a question that I am not sure how to answer. This is particularly important for me because I often say the first thing that comes to mind without considering all the possible consequences resulting from my automatic response. In time, I am sure that I will be more attuned with myself and able to say things like, “I don’t know right now. Can you give me more time to think about that and get back to you?”

5. I take the opportunity to close my eyes and breathe deeply when the circle is scrolling on the computer or my phone is loading (rather than yelling at electronics that will not go faster just because I raised my voice at them). I find that when I open my eyes whatever was trying to load is finished, and I am in a much better place mentally.

6. I dedicate my time to only those worthy causes that I can see will greatly benefit me in the long run. This is true for career preparation and development as well as interpersonal relationships.

7. I value my time and spend it wisely, doing what challenges me and makes me stronger, or what I thoroughly enjoy. Bonus if my adventures include both those things!

8. I respect and value myself. I affirm that I am worthy of investing in. I invest in myself when I take care of my health, when I do fun things by myself or with others, when I dedicate my time to developing skills I can use in my career, and when I say no to romantic partners who are not a good fit for me.

9. I engage in spiritual practices that give me a sense of my worth as an important part of the whole in my spiritual community. These experiences provide me with mentors to learn from and help me develop new skills to offer in service to others as I grow more confident in my ability to lead in private coaching sessions or group workshops.

10. Finally, I accept situations and people as they are. I do not try to make situations or people into what I want them to be. Each experience can be a learning experience if we are inclined to learn from it. Each person has a unique role in the larger community. It is not my job to define what role that should be. There are those I am in close proximity to, whose role in my life is deeply meaningful. There are others whose purpose in my life is meant to be on the periphery. I accept that everyone is not meant to be close to me and that is ok. I, on the other hand, will always be with myself, so I am learning how to get really good at loving myself the way I have always wanted to be loved.