Fresh start, clean slate

With patience and time the reality that exist in our minds can be manifested into something so pure, so beautiful that it feels as though it's just a dream. There have been many instances where I try to mentally land on my feet after daydreaming about my future and the fresh start each new opportunity presents. I currently find myself beat down, worn out and soulfully EXHAUSTED. I've had three deaths in the family, two of which occurred in January alone. Throw in a multitude of other issues and stresses and I'm just about ready to scrape up enough money to take a flight to some uncharted island in the deep Pacific to have a moment of solitude to contemplate my next move.

I've had many goals planned for this new year, but plans don't always pan out the way I envision them in my mind. Being the curious person I am, I tend to ask myself why don't these plans go exactly as I would like for them to? I'm a believer in the type of energy you put out into the world is exactly what you will attract back to you. You do good, you attract good. You do bad, you attract bad. Pretty simple concept, right? Well, coming to this realization left me dumbfounded as I was meticulously organizing my goals written down on paper for the next six months.

How did I not realize it? I soon felt a sense of disappointment in the fact that I was giving energy to things and situations that didn't require me to. Things that frustrated, annoyed or angered me. I wasn't "cool" Chris. The cool Chris wouldn't allow those things to bother him. Last year, there were PLENTY of situations that I allowed to taint the good energy that I was attempting to pour into the world. If the hands of time were as reversible as a VCR then by all means I would press rewind to give my life's movie a more positive plot.

I'm fully aware that life simply doesn't work that way. I can't go back in time to change anything I said, thought or did. I can only live with what the results were and do my best to get back to a place of contentment and understanding that I can conquer anything with the right tools, amount of positivity and hard work. Those big dreams and even bigger plans can only flourish and grow if I address the issues within the soil of my own spirit. Without the proper nourishment these hopes and plans will never materialize the way I want them to. A fresh start within myself is acknowledging where I could use the work and carrying out a plan of action to tackle the issues that keep my positive vibrations shackled. My soul yearns for the part of me I have lost over the years due to my own impatience, frustrations and trust issues. I WILL be that person again. This is it. THIS is what my fresh start looks like.

I now sit here in my apartment surrounded by vintage brick of what once was an old cotton mill. I feel the chill of the brick blanketing me as I try to position my mind into the proper lanes for new beginnings. With fresh starts come sacrifice. I'm ready to sacrifice all of the not so great things about myself, trust issues and all, that could or already hinder my personal growth. I don't know exactly what the route to a fresh start looks like but I definitely know what I DON'T want it to look like. So with my apple juice in hand, I raise a toast to new beginnings. No, this isn't a new me. It's just a better me.