Forgiveness

I had been told many years ago that I was the angriest person they had ever met. Years prior to that I was the most comical and entertaining person as most of my friends would say. I encountered certain experiences which transformed me from a well contained and polite individual to a woman enraged and deeply wounded. At that time, I did not believe innocence could be recovered. I also believed my anger would keep me safe. I was wrong on both counts. I am now free of the kindling which once raged where my blood and spirit pulse together. I feel everything, and think all feelings are healthy and positive in their own time. When I say I am free I mean I am free of deep, long lasting resentment.

What made the difference was really exploring forgiveness. By exploring I mean discovering what it would actually mean, feel like, and the how-to's of creating it in me. I asked a lot of people whom had claimed to have reached it, what it was, and I found their answers less than revealing. There were no bread crumbs for me to follow. A number of people said 'it was a decision' and I could not process that a mental choice could bring about healing and release for where and how these things lived inside me. It felt like I was being told to just confidently wave my hand and affirm "Ala-Kazam!" with the right timber of confidence and then voila: forgiveness!

Of course I made the decision that I wanted to forgive, but what then? I had already made so many similar decisions so-to-speak previously, but later found I had only been suppressing or spiritually by-passing what I had decided that I was done with. There was no Ala-Kazam-moment.

It was important to know that forgiveness was in no way an invitation of more-of-the-same. It was however, the only way to stomp out the patterns of more-of-the-same.

Some resentments were less cumbersome and some carried the weight of the world. Regardless of the weight, these things were too much to carry. They dulled my true, authentic self. They were joy-killers. They made it impossible for me to see any new relationship as it was. They filled me with activated insecurities which I took out on every person because that's what resentment does. It is a mental-time machine with its gages stuck on past dates that hold people hostage to a story that grows thicker and more real over time.

I wanted so desperately to be free.

I began to pray. In my prayers I would ask that the Cloudsurfer of my Higher Self teach me what forgiveness was and how to facilitate the process in me. I prayed those prayers every day for a month or so. I learned a lot in that time. There was a lot that was revealed, but of the most important and life changing was a specific meditation process that made it possible for me to truly forgive and release the wounded entanglements that had run deep and lived long in the racetrack of my lower mind. Some of these resentments were 20+ years old and were eradicated in under two-hours.

I began engaging this process once a week maybe twice and started to eek away at each of the greatest pains. I did not always feel a magic poof. As a matter of fact, it was the most uncomfortable thing I had ever soberly chosen to engage. To this day, it is the most worthwhile!

When I encountered friends in those coming months they seemed to notice the results far more than I had. There was a peace in my eyes, they said and a softness that was so bright it shined. Some people requested I show them how to do this technique and I did, but often people came back and said it was too overwhelming. This called me to start offering Forgiveness Circles of to help facilitate and create space for their breakthroughs. I was stunned to see how all different people began to shed their resentments and the ties that had bound them to others.

Now nearly 12 years later, I continue to offer those circles from time to time. It is perhaps one of the most thrilling services I have to offer. Truly, a hero's journey where the injuries that have been healed in me is now the medicine that I can offer to those who want it.

I was moved to write this article because I am currently writing a book that offers inspirations for spiritual seekers. I was up late last night writing about the process of forgiveness and tools to access it and my heart overflows remembering the people those circles have touched, and the version of me who once believed that there was no way out of the hurt.

So, whoever you are, how ever this writing finds you, I hope you know that there can be relief and real liberation from the pains of yesteryear's scrapes and bruises. When you are ready to engage the process ask the Universe to lead you and I am certain the keys to your lock will be revealed.

Buddhist Prayer: May all people be free of suffering, and the causes of suffering.